NST September 2021

apple_muncher

Today I am grateful for finding items for mum, dc and me in the ch shop, for a good session at the gym, for drying loads of washing, for dark chocolate, for utube to brush up on my signing skills.

weenancyinAmerica

Mothernerd - your quotes have kept me going for several years now. I hope things get better for you. I took care of my mother for years also, and it is never easy. Now I am caring for roommates (and they aren't even relatives!). Keep re-reading your quotes.

CEW

Still on 18 NSDs as had a small spend today.

Did log off from work at 4.30pm and felt like I had an afternoon off. One of the benefits of working long hours for the rest of the week, finishing at normal time seems like time off.

Had a lazy evening and now going up to bed with a nice hot drink to listen to some music and an early night.

Today I’m grateful for sunshine at lunchtime so I could sit outside with my lunch, smoked salmon from the freezer to make a lovely salmon and cream cheese sauce for pasta and the upcoming weekend.

greent

Been awol - busy with work and the pesky Y7s have shared their cold germs with me so have been flaking out on the sofa when I get home.

Fab news re Ds1 and walking, ditty - so pleased! X Enjoy your break

Thankful for sunflowers 🌻still going strong 💛 in the garden and in a jug on the kitchen table, for having enough fuel in my car, for it being Friday, for unexpected cake at work today 😋

mothernerd

Thanks weenancyinAmerica.

Today went better than I expected. Sat and wrote a (short) list this morning. Short but still impossible. Nearly set a mini challenge to pick all your brains, as mum has several 'ideas' which all need solutions. Was prepared to settle for hugs if you couldn't think of anything.

List number 1 went
Clear outside (moved tools and some things back inside last night, moved some things as near to our property as possible)
Clear for the window cleaner
Tax return (mum's) and post
12.30 pm Cinema Club (plus a list of 'my house' jobs as it's only across the car park)

Where is All the Rubbish Going to Go So far I've dug out 18 buckets of soil, have several seed trays full of stones, more seed trays that I put all the existing rockery plants in, 2 trolley loads of large stones/ lumps of concrete. This plus a pile of tools, one large root clump (need to let it dry out so the remaining soil can be shaken off before it goes in the bin) is all in the side bit of the house (in the trolley, on the dolly, on top of all the bins and some on the floor, propped up on or leaning against bins. 

I also had a number of mum's 'ideas' to kick about. Action number 1 Went outside and swept the pavement, then walked round the house making sure the window cleaner could get at all the windows (gathered a few loose plastic bits which had been blown around by the wind - they were all in buckets but in my wild search for more containers I dropped the contents on the raised beds. When she saw me mum reminded me that the window cleaner was due so I just went and got the list.

Decided it would be easier if I skipped Cinema club (it was Goodbye Mr Chips, which I love but have seen quite a lot - we lived next door to the house James Hilton was born in for 14 years) so asked mum if she could manage if I took her in (originally planned to do some of the things on my list and meet her afterwards). She said she'd be fine - she was hoping one of my brother's ex girlfriends might turn up. Made a start on doing my room (messy and the bed is the worst bit - getting close to having to fight for a space to sleep). Other things keep getting put ahead of it on the list. 

Made myself lunch of cauliflower with mild chilli (both cooked earlier in the week), put on a load of washing, did a rubbish round up, cleared stuff away from the bed and pulled out stuff that was lodged/ fallen between the end of the bed and the bookshelves (with necessary rest breaks in between). Mum gave me some money for all the work I've done on her rockery. She went off in her taxi and I had a little rest.

Felt uncomfortable again so sat and read to the end of my book and then did little bits when I felt up to it. Only eaten a tin of soup and a tin of peaches since lunch and feel better but will be ravenous when I wake in the morning. Whilst we were watching quizzes, mum gave a clearer explanation of one of her ideas and it greatly simplified things (did it in the advert break). Why she didn't catch on as I gave my first 3 attempted solutions, I don't know.

After 6 pm I made space for some of the buckets in the trolley (stacked so that I only have to pick 2 things up off the floor) and sifted a few lumps of concrete, then took the trolley outside to collect the remaining buckets - didn't have any energy to go back for them last night. Still have lots of things to do, but a few things have been ticked off/ solved and I've only brought 2 sheets and 2 covers back in here with me to make a temporary bed for the night (will do it thoroughly tomorrow).

Grateful for money, a no spend day, some quiet time on my own, turtles.

f0xh0les

Could you ask one of your darling boys (one with a car)  to do a tip run and lob all the stones, concrete, and bricks  in the hardcore skip in one go?       Problem solved, all gone, trolley and dolly and buckets emptied in one fell swoop. 

Still on NSD9. Silly little nonsense spends - today was more lollies as 4 out of 5 inmates have sore throats.  Just realised they have decimated the last loaf of bread too.  Supper was a hugely garlicky cream cheese and broccoli spaghetti dish.... with added garlic - food as medicine - their throats won't know what hit them.

In a whirl of out-of-character productivity, I had cleaned the top two floors of the house and the bathrooms before 11am.  Also photographed an item I want out of the house asap so will list it on free site tomorrow morning.

Then I made lunch and the wheels fell off my motivation.

pollyanna_26

mothernerd I agree with Foxholes suggestion of seeing if your son can do a tip run. Failing that would your mother agree to at least part fund a small skip? The stones , concrete etc are from her garden not yours and you've worked hard to make her garden so much nicer for her some of it under her orders.

I have been worrying about your physical and mental health lately as you've pushed yourself harder and harder feeling judged , unappreciated and even referring back to the police car incident when one of your sons was a baby which you still carry some guilt for although there was nothing you could have done to stop a speeding police car hitting the pram. It's not something any new mum would expect to happen.

We have spoken on the OS forum but I believe you'll feel more comfortable here where you are among friends.When I queried the shifting buckets and sieving out stones and rocks you said displacement which I'd already figured out. You're intelligent enough to know that's a form of avoidance I became an expert at that when the toxic ex husband was living here and I had to stay quiet while my gp the & local police were gathering evidence to get him far away from myself and the children. My physical health was already poor but the situation impacted badly on my prevoiusly good mental health and after it took three judgements that he was to live no nearer than 20 miles to us, never come near or contact us ,twice followed up by more time in court  the second time like the first carried an injunction with power of arrest . The third case carried an enduring power of arrest and a warning that rather than being held in custody he would be facing a long prison sentence. Like mant abusers he was a craven coward and was finally gone. I was relieved but exhausted but life had to go on.

I may be wrong but I feel all your keeping busy, running round like the Duracell bunny when you're ill and exhausted is the way you hide the things that haunt you. There are things like the stuff on and behind your bed that I couldn't cope with and you can't either . I can't remember where the soupery is or other things but there are posts about thing in wardrobes and draweres that belong in the kitchen and take up space that should be used for other more normal purposes . You've explained mums kitchen is already full .Does the bungalow have a garage or could tins be stored in the shed.

You're overwhemed with stuff and it isn't good for you.

I know your son and beloved have their own difficulties but while you're looking after mum your own house is being trashed. I dont have any wonderful solutions but finding a way to get rid of the rubbish would be a start and seeing if there are other storage solutions for tins and other things could make a difference. Meanwhile why not forget sifting soil and heaving buckets for a while give your body and mind a rest . You've had things whirling around your mind about the past, feeling you were never good enough and constantly judging yourself. That thinking is the path to a complete nervous breakdown if you were to read those things written by someone else you wouldn't see them as normal.

Please give yourself a break before you burn out . A while after the ex was finally gone I had a breakdown. I thought I was doing ok but I wasn't my GP sent a very old psychiatrist to my home who was a bit of a mumbler. I was barely listening then he asked me about my car on the drive, back then it was a VW Golf and not yet a common sight on the roads. We talked about it then he asked me could I run it with no oil in the engine or fuel in the tank of course not I said and he replied there is no oil in your engine or fuel in your tank my dear and we need to do something about that. he was right and I'd completely  misjudged him, two months of a mild anti depressant and doing the bare minimum  along with two months sick leave from my teaching job and could think clearly and finally realise the children and I were free of the toxic one and had a different life to live.

I know you managed a little chat about your mental health during an appt with the nurse. I understand how hard it is to get appts in the present situation but see if you can get the chance for a more in depth discussion so you don't lose all the oil in your engine of fuel in the tank.

Finally I apologise in advance if my post has upset you, that wasn't my intention. Just reading some of your posts on OS is exhausting so goodness how you feel .

Take care.

pollyx

ps The insommnia isn't back I just had a very long much needed sleep on Thursday night and a lazy day on Friday and now I'm wide awake!

mothernerd

Thanks for your kind words. I read something recently that suggested I might be on the verge of a nervous breakdown (the messy bed was a massive clue) so I have been fairly quiet and resting and letting things tumble around at the back of my mind. I know I'm nearer the edge than usual so have been very kind to myself.

Mum has already done the 'We'll get a skip' but it's where I put everything until the skip can be delivered (especially as there are some items I'm not sure I want to bin yet and may be more things to go that still need dragging out). Also it will be me walking backwards and forwards with skip items, unless I can co-ordinate with when DS2 is coming again (tried messaging yesterday but laptop decided it needed a sleep). We have a tip volunteer who's willing to take a few things for us (they go every week and I thought my social life was boring).

None of my sons have cars. DS2's gf has a car and has said she'll do things like driving me to further away shops and for heavier items (like the sand and cement) but she's a doctor, working with COVID patients every day and working long hours as she's in training for her next step upwards. DS2 was planning to have lessons but said it wasn't going to happen last time he was here (not sure why - maybe she took him out for a trial drive and decided he's not going behind the wheel of her precious car again).

I have been cooking this morning (lack of interest in cooking was another ticked box) and feel really good about it, although my back hurts and I'm tired. Mum went to a coffee morning thing at church so I had the kitchen and house to myself and I sat in front of Netflix chopping and peeling and doing the standing up and stirring things in the kitchen from time to time. I have 4 portions of bacon soup boxed, 5 portions of mashed potato (my own takes up a lot less room than the freezer pellets mum asked for last time), carrot and celery sticks for dips, the other half of the cabbage has been finely chopped for coleslaw (might be prawn coleslaw, haven't got that far yet) and I made cauliflower and pasta and a cheese sauce (using the ends of 3 different pieces of cheese) On portion eaten, one for another day and a 3rd box just with cheese sauce. The butter bean casserole is still in the pan (waiting until the cleaner has finished before doing more boxing up), brisket and vegetables are in the oven and four baked potatoes were done on the bottom shelf.

Mum brought me a piece of chocolate cake back from the coffee morning.

I'm just not thinking about my house (much). I'm too ill to make a serious dent in it and not going to go and do a bit and end up frustrated . Need to think about professional help and DS3 has enough money atm (he made over a grand in a month when he didn't have a new game out - at a couple of quid a time and the host platform taking 30 % that's and picking the exchange rate that's most favourable to them that's quite a result). They probably need a skip, a waste collection firm and cleaners who help hoarders for starters and maybe I should get someone else to do the cutting back in the yard.

So will continue resting and pondering. Something has to happen and I'm the one who'll do it, just need to work out the least stress way to go forward. I've been through worse times and survived (and I'm not just saying that, I am a survivor).

Grateful for chocolate cake, nice things to eat, mum going out (she's obviously feeling brighter), room being semi tidy (did my clothes and other big stuff and had a serious rubbish round up), the rose bushes looking good in there new home (hope I can get the rock roses and other bits in soon, weather brightening up so I can put my washing out.

f0xh0les

Mothernerd, I meet at least one lovely gentleman every time I go to the tip, sometimes I even gather a crowd, so don't knock it!  

If a skip is too big, or too expensive or just a total faff,  you can get one of those builders' bags that tonnes of sand come in, and they will collect, so it would not be much a massive imposition space wise.  The bag costs £10, then you fill it in your own time, collection costs around £50 from.. say, a  Mcr based company  like United Junk have a g00gle.  Some use one of those swinging grabber what nots so can pick it up from over fences.  Just something to ponder on. I would like all your rubbish gone for you - they say the bags will take 2 full wheelie bins worth- so at least it would  get rid of the rubble and soil and wood and stuff, and you could ask your  'Tipster Friend' to take anything electrical  or the cleaner bits, as and when they go.   If they have offered, they want to.  You will be doing a public service.   There is nothing weak in accepting help freely offered.

All this 'stuff' is exhausting you.  The clutter is cluttering your mind.  It is weighing you down.  I wish I lived closer and I would come and give you a  fin with it all.   That, and I do love lobbing stuff in a skip.  It is cathartic.

Oh I am so bored with folding clothes! but at least it is done until the next load comes in off the line.

pollyanna_26

I'm relieved you read my post and it didn't upset you MN. I did wonder if I was doing the right thing posting. I just hoped you'd stop and think as I'd had to. In my case things weren't messy or disorganised but daily life was passing without me really engaged or aware and lack of sleep was a real problem .I suppose I was on auto pilot. Caring for the children, going to work, cooking, cleaning etc but not really "there"

It's a good solution for your son to fund professional clearance now he has the funds. He and beloved have made that mess and need to be the ones that see it gone. You've been too easy going where that's concerned. MH struggles don't give people licence to fill a home with pizza and takeaway boxes , cans, bottles and rubbish. It's worse when the house is owned by someone else-you. If they were in socail housing or private rental they'd have been thrown out long ago with a hefty bill for clearance and all damage made good.

You've recently had to buy yet another drain cover and a number of times had to call in plumbers because they block the sink and drains. You are the only one with the power to change that. Instead of going there filling bin bags and flattening boxes. You have to sit them down and tell them things need to change because it's impacting your mental and physical health and damaging the property. You've said ds "Doesn't see the mess" If he can spend a great deal of time developing a best selling game he can see mess.

There were a number of times in the past I've physically taken apart desktop, and tower and all the bits and carried it out of one of the offsprings bedrooms picking my way through clothes , cups and dishes and other stuff littering the floor.I'd threatened to do it . Three strikes and it's out. It was very effective.

You need to talk to ds and Beloved soon. Don't put it off .You've mentioned the things your mum keeps but never uses which mean less usable storage space for necessities. Reading your posts there is a hoarding tendancy with you all in varying degrees which needs looking at.

Something you do is get upset with your , mum , the mess in your house and other thingsYou seldom express this upset directly but torment yourself going over and over things in your mind. By doing that you are damaging your own mental health rather than tackle those upsetting you.

What you need to do is speak out. You have a voice for a reason and a right to speak of things that are unreasonable and impact you . You aren't legally obliged to carry heavy buckets and sift soil from stones .Bags of top soil can be ordered online Mum could have paid for that. You're taking the extreme route with garden, ditto the worsening state of your house.The longer these things go on the more it will cost both physically and financially to put right.

pollyx