Asking for money for honeymoon at our Wedding

BrassicWoman

I hate requests for money. It's already really expensive to go to a wedding (clothes, travel, hotel, time off work depending on location) and no matter how much I love you, an ask for cash on top is going to really have me questioning the friendship. 

74jax

I really don't like the request that gets sent in the invite 😂 I haven't even said I'm attending yet, yet alone asked what the happy couple would like.

In my eyes, you ask people to your wedding, and wait for them to accept /decline.

If they then ask if you have a wedding list or what you would like, that's your opportunity to say, as you have been asked.

In this case a wedding gift list showing contribution to diving, contribution to dinner at xxx, contribution to excursion to xxx would read much better than the (in my eyes) 'no gift but money for honeymoon  please' poem 🙈. 

Torry_Quine

I agree with those who say it's wrong to ask for a gift of any kind. If the guest asks then it's fine to suggest what is preferred but even then it's a suggestion not a requirement . 

TBagpuss

Yes, ideally you wait until you are asked and then provide details, and bear in mind that a lot of people will see asking for money as tacky (and they won't tell you directly, because if they are people you are inviting to your wedding, they are likely to be too polite to criticise their host, and like you enough to be prepared to overlook it, plus once you've done it, it's too late)

Asking for money (whether directly or via a honeymoon funding co The kind of company you suggest is also problematic as they no doubt take their own cut.

TBagpuss

Pollycat said:

olgadapolga said:

tracy.martin said:

We're looking to get married next year and would like guests to donate money towards our honeymoon in Greece. My parents believe we should allow guest to pick their own gifts - if any. What is everyone's view on this? I know this topic pops up a few times but wondered if the viewpoint has shifted in the last 4 years.  We plan to create a honeymoon gift list on flyustothemoon.com so guest can pick an 'item' rather than just send us money.

You shouldn't "ask" for anything at all, IMO. They are your guests, not your honeymoon providers! This has always annoyed me about weddings, the expectations of gifts, be they tangible or monetary. When DH and I got married, we told everyone that no gifts or otherwise were wanted as just  taking the trouble to attend our wedding was more than enough.

+ 1 to this.

On many threads on MSE over the years I've said I don't like giving money as a wedding gift.

It's how I feel.

Maybe I'm old fashioned.

Another poster on a different thread said - in direct response to a similar comment by me:

Sadie73 said:

As a parent involved in two weddings at the moment whereby my children both own houses with their partners, it seems very reasonable to me when they are spending upwards of £200 per guest to have them share their special days to prefer money to another iron or toaster. People may wish to buy something cheap or not disclose by a monetary amount how much they spend on a gift, but please bear in mind that if you are one of the favoured few deemed worthy of spending a great deal of money on to be a guest at a wedding, then please think more kindly of the happy couple. If you’d rather keep your money in your pocket then my suggestion would be to politely decline the invitation rather than giving a pointless gift. I very much hope that the wonderful guests at my children’s long awaited weddings will feel after the delays they’ve experienced, a honeymoon is the very least they deserve.

They missed the point.

It is not about keeping my money in my pocket.

It's not about how deserving they are of a honeymoon.

I'm just not paying for someone else's honeymoon.

My money.

My choice.

Yes, perhaps I am naïve but when I have been invited to a wedding I've assumed that it's because the couple want me there - being invited to the wedding is not some wonderful favour they are conferring on me, and the idea that I should somehow be grateful and give them an expensive gift  is .....bizarre, to say the least. 

If the couple don't wish to spend £200 a head on their guests then they are free to arrange a lower cost wedding - any gifts they are given are a bonus, they should  not expect or assume they'll get them or seek to dictate what they get. 

thegreenone

When my husband's nephew got married a few years ago, they had a list with a honeymoon travel co.  There were excursions/various ranging from £10 to lots of ££££.  I thought it was a brilliant idea as you still get to choose the present and one that fits your budget.  We've just received a Save the Date card for my niece and would happily do this again.  

pjcox2005

I think it may be a generation thing.

Personally, I see no issue directing people to a wedding list/honeymoon list/cash in the invite. People like to know otherwise you've then got to field 100 questions on what do you want, is there a list etc. Not putting something in just feels incredibly  inefficient at a busy time.

Life has moved on, people live together before marriage normally and often have their own home. Why waste peoples money by replacing a perfectly good plate set they've got with another plate set they don't actually need. Just seems quite wasteful in an age where we should be reducing consumption and instead they could have a very enjoyable experience on holiday.

We had donations to honeymoon, they were very welcome, not expected and to be honest I have no idea what amounts people gave a decade on (or even then). If people just prefer to attend the wedding then that's absolutely fine. Why people get hung up on convention/expectation either side is daft; just do what you are comfortable with as a guest and the host shouldn't judge or expect anything. Nobody knows what's happening in a guest life, but they do know they've decided they want the person there. 

The only one I should add is you should book a honeymoon you feel comfortable paying for in full. Work on the basis nobody is giving any cash gift and then you won't have expectations nor be reliant on others kindness.

Edited to add, i quite like the service mentioned above that you don't find out amount just the names of people who gifted, particularly if that is made clear on the invite. Think it takes out quite a lot of the awkwardness for all assuming a check can be done to ensure travel agent is honest (e.g. spot check a test donation) and they don't take a high percentage for the service.

maman

I'm another that loathes the naff poems.

IIRC, back in the day, the bride's parents would send out the invitations and when responding you asked the mother if there was a wedding list. Times have changed. 

pjcox2005

maman said:

I'm another that loathes the naff poems.

IIRC, back in the day, the bride's parents would send out the invitations and when responding you asked the mother if there was a wedding list. Times have changed. 

Which is also a bit strange, why should the bride's parents have to pay for the wedding when you should be equals in marriage, and likewise whilst tradition is nice they're basically on the invite in name only as it is the couple who know there friends and family and who to invite rather than the bride's parents taking a guess at who is close to the groom. I also presume that the couple would have directed the mother of the bride as to what was needed back in the day for presents. 

Pollycat

pjcox2005 said:

maman said:

I'm another that loathes the naff poems.

IIRC, back in the day, the bride's parents would send out the invitations and when responding you asked the mother if there was a wedding list. Times have changed. 

Which is also a bit strange, why should the bride's parents have to pay for the wedding when you should be equals in marriage, and likewise whilst tradition is nice they're basically on the invite in name only as it is the couple who know there friends and family and who to invite rather than the bride's parents taking a guess at who is close to the groom. I also presume that the couple would have directed the mother of the bride as to what was needed back in the day for presents. 

Does that really still happen?
Me ad my (now) ex paid for our own wedding as neither of our parents could afford it.
We got married in a registry office and had a buffet in a local pub.
I made my own dress and bridesmaid's dresses.
That was almost 50 years ago.