The Best View Comes After the Hardest Climb.

badmemory

If you did buy a house with a mortgage into your 70s, which will most probably be less than rent, as you have no-one to leave it to then you take out equity release to pay the remaining balalnce.

You do know that these are just thoughts I'm throwing at you & not "I think you should do this" things?

warby68

I think its very unfair that mum takes a significant amount from you in rent, certainly now the dynamics have shifted to you being housekeeper and carer rather than presumably what she saw before as her doing you the 'favour'. I wonder how she sees your future. It would make all the difference if you could save more significantly for whatever future you choose. Mum would certainly have a very different life if you weren't there, paying for care or having to move.

Everyone's family dynamics are different I know and I guess you limit your comments on here but this set up does seem to make you the loser in most ways in terms of finances and security.

You are trying to plan a future with your hands very much tied.

Buffythedebtslayer

badmemory said:

If you did buy a house with a mortgage into your 70s, which will most probably be less than rent, as you have no-one to leave it to then you take out equity release to pay the remaining balalnce.

You do know that these are just thoughts I'm throwing at you & not "I think you should do this" things?

There are so many what ifs, so many variations, all I come back to, like when my neighbour (who is having/had a breakdown) asked me what I want out of life is the opportunity to go to sleep and wake up without a to do list 5 miles long. I feel at the moment I can't "waste" the money on a weekend in a hotel cos it "should" go in the house fund. I can't buy nice work clothes cos I have to be careful with money. It just feels so restrictive and unnecessary. 

And yes I do get you are NOT going you should at me XXX

WinterWarrior

@warby68 has some good points. If you can’t have this conversation with her, then definitely don’t spend anything extra on the house unless it directly benefits you. Your future is too important and I’d like to think if your mum wasn’t so ill she would be worrying on your behalf.
I think for buying, it still may be possible if you moved to a cheaper area? Where I live there are some very affordable houses (eg £65k) in some areas and that is purely because the jobs aren’t good and we are too far from decent transport links for commuting. Or many more rural places have live in holiday homes (like static caravan type structures). if you could consider retiring elsewhere then it may be possible? It absolutely depends on whether the security that offered was worth the change though and travelling does sound really fulfilling.

Buffythedebtslayer

warby68 said:

I think its very unfair that mum takes a significant amount from you in rent, certainly now the dynamics have shifted to you being housekeeper and carer rather than presumably what she saw before as her doing you the 'favour'. I wonder how she sees your future. It would make all the difference if you could save more significantly for whatever future you choose. Mum would certainly have a very different life if you weren't there, paying for care or having to move.

Everyone's family dynamics are different I know and I guess you limit your comments on here but this set up does seem to make you the loser in most ways in terms of finances and security.

You are trying to plan a future with your hands very much tied.

Honestly? yes it is unfair but mum has many fixed ideas, one being she isn't going to die! and the other being that my sisters wouldn't "see me homeless" and that I would be able to magically afford this house (erm no definitely not!). Also, in order to have some self respect I paid the proper amount. So it is partly my fault. I think now, it is different. But too late with the rise in the cost of living. 

I do limit my comments here because over many years some people understand why I have stayed (she did used to go away a lot,I had more time, we got on much better, plus her ill health, problems with the house, my sister etc) and many people don't and have been critical. She half gets she would be in a home if it wasn't for me but sometimes she sees that as good and other times she thinks if I would let her do stuff it would be fine and she wouldn't have got so ill. It is all hard! 

Buffythedebtslayer

WinterWarrior said:

@warby68 has some good points. If you can’t have this conversation with her, then definitely don’t spend anything extra on the house unless it directly benefits you. Your future is too important and I’d like to think if your mum wasn’t so ill she would be worrying on your behalf.
I think for buying, it still may be possible if you moved to a cheaper area? Where I live there are some very affordable houses (eg £65k) in some areas and that is purely because the jobs aren’t good and we are too far from decent transport links for commuting. Or many more rural places have live in holiday homes (like static caravan type structures). if you could consider retiring elsewhere then it may be possible? It absolutely depends on whether the security that offered was worth the change though and travelling does sound really fulfilling.

Yeah, I could go and retire up north, I always wanted to buy there - as a buy to let but by the time I got enough money they changed the rules and for most buy to let mortgages you need to own already. Plus the finance guy said it would be hard work for little reward, as in difficult to buy so far away. But yeah. 

And I think so too re Mum. The pain has changed her a lot. 

warby68

I hope I haven't upset you Buffy, I have a messy relationship with my own mum who I care for. She's still in her own home though. I totally get the feeling of knowing some things are wrong but being in a sort of trap unable to materially change them. Its like carrying the weight of 50 years of not getting on very well into every argument, it always gets too complicated.

I know you aren't asking for suggestions but I WOULD push something that will lower your stress and exhaustion levels. A few delivered meals a week and paid for cleaning and gardening at least. Some change in the late evening routine too. Mum to pay as well. I'm pushing this as you do clearly struggle to stay well and sooner or later you might be seriously unwell and unable to carry on. What I realised with my own mum was that some things had to change even without her agreement. Just push them through. I have to say all the changes I pushed through like this have now become her own very good ideas that make my life easier!!

Buffythedebtslayer

warby68 said:

I hope I haven't upset you Buffy, I have a messy relationship with my own mum who I care for. She's still in her own home though. I totally get the feeling of knowing some things are wrong but being in a sort of trap unable to materially change them. Its like carrying the weight of 50 years of not getting on very well into every argument, it always gets too complicated.

I know you aren't asking for suggestions but I WOULD push something that will lower your stress and exhaustion levels. A few delivered meals a week and paid for cleaning and gardening at least. Some change in the late evening routine too. Mum to pay as well. I'm pushing this as you do clearly struggle to stay well and sooner or later you might be seriously unwell and unable to carry on. What I realised with my own mum was that some things had to change even without her agreement. Just push them through. I have to say all the changes I pushed through like this have now become her own very good ideas that make my life easier!!

No not at all, messy is such a good description! and the whole weight of the argument thing. Every comment is judgement and loaded. I think in some ways looking after a person who sees you as equal might be easier on the self esteem? Of there are other terrible downsides but I don't think my sister feels criticised like I do. And sometimes it really is me pre-empting the words I expect. 

I was trying to think about the late evening thing.... her pills, there are about 7/8 are too much to put in a plastic thing, we tried, they are hard for her to open and if they go ping the pills go all over.  I think tho I should make a really big effort to put them out earlier. 

Freakily enough my very nice neighbour just cut the grass in the front garden. Mum has talked about paying for a gardener... maybe. I think i will give one more weekend of the tidying/tipping and then review. I do agree tho, something has to give. And it cannot be my sanity! 

beanielou

There is way more to life than a mortgage & a house that you have to maintain.
My circumstances as you know were very different.
I always thought my dad would leave me a wee bit of money & he dident.
I was very bitter for a while but over that now.
10 years since he died.I sometimes wonder what he thinks............
B could not give tuppence if I leave him anything.
How strange life can be.

beanielou

I wish I could wave a magic wand buffy & make life easier/better for you.
Unfortunatly I cant.
Only you can do things to make life better   xxxx