Boyfriend expects me to buy a house for us

Dragonfly78

hi 
I would like some advice. I’m selling my flat so that me and my partner can buy a house together. He said we would get a house that we can renovate because he is in the business of renovating houses. So I am selling my flat which is a lot of £ and he has a flat and isn’t selling anything maybe possibly contributing a few grand for the renovation that he would do himself. Am I being a b****? I’m so confused why isn’t he contributing to buying the house with me? He works I don’t know how much money he has he clearly isn’t that rich he has a son and other things and he has loans etc. He has never once thanked me for selling my expensive flat or even registered that I get an income from that flat. So I am selling my assets and giving up an income from people renting my flat. I would be so embarrassed if he bought us a flat! I would expect to contribute. The most he would spend to renovate is a few grand and even then he said he can use it from the sale of my flat? I get nothing. He said it’s like I am just switching flats. He said both our names would be on the new flat and I would have my name on his flat. But I’m the one fronting all the money and using my assets? I’m younger than him as well. Is this right or am I wrong to be slightly worried? I want a life with him and this would mean we have a same house we already most of the time live in his flat and I give him rent. I pay my way. I would be paying well over one hundred thousand pounds for a flat for us and he would probs contribute a few grand- if even for renovating the house. Is this fair? Is it weird that he’s not sat me down and said thank you and realised how much of a massive deal this is?!!! Or am I being a spoilt woman who had £ and is horrible for even thinking why hasn’t he thanked me. We want to spend a life together but I assumed it would at least be 50/50. Am I wrong to feel angry and I’m a bad person or what? I am just shocked that he thinks it’s normal and fine to not even mention the fact that I’m paying for everything he’s acting like it’s completely normal. I’m used to relationships being 50/50 i don’t expect a man to pay for everything although honestly it’s nice to treat each other I got us a meal the last time we went out and he gets me stuff too. Am I being weird? Is how he acting normal? Please help!  

Dragonfly78

Ps I would also get a name under his flat so we would both be joint owners of the flat I paid for and then get a name on his flat and be joint owners too. It doesn’t cost much for me to put my name on his flat. I’m the one selling my own flat and taking the risk and the loss of income... what do u make of the situation guys? We love each other and are talking about getting married he is very good to me  am I wrong for feeling somethings not right here or am I just inexperienced with property?

squirrelchops2

Massive red flags are waving for me hearing this!
Why is his name going to be on your flat? Why isn't he selling his flat so you both contribute financially to a place together?
Ok he might do the renovation work but you guys need to decide does this give him an equity share in the flat in lieu of him contributing financially or are you going to pay him to do the work and he has no share?

Will he contribute to the mortgage then? There is no way I would agree to a 50/50 arrangement if I had put in £100000 it would be drawn up that I own more due to having put in the most deposit. 

Do you know what he owes on his flat? You say you dont think he earns a lot so is he paying his mortgage on his flat or is there any risk he may be defaulting - you dont want your name anywhere near that if he isnt paying.

You say you have renters in this flat so where are you living now? Are you currently renting yourself or do you have other property? Having a secure rental income I would be loathe to give up right now given how house prices have increased too.

I feel you are being pushed into something that you are not comfortable with.

Mrsn

I can’t offer any practical advice but listening to what you have outlined I wouldn’t be feeling particularly comfortable with what is being suggested! Listen to your gut feeling because I think you already know this isn’t what you want.

Dragonfly78

squirrelchops2 said:

Massive red flags are waving for me hearing this!
Why is his name going to be on your flat? Why isn't he selling his flat so you both contribute financially to a place together?
Ok he might do the renovation work but you guys need to decide does this give him an equity share in the flat in lieu of him contributing financially or are you going to pay him to do the work and he has no share?

Will he contribute to the mortgage then? There is no way I would agree to a 50/50 arrangement if I had put in £100000 it would be drawn up that I own more due to having put in the most deposit. 

Do you know what he owes on his flat? You say you dont think he earns a lot so is he paying his mortgage on his flat or is there any risk he may be defaulting - you dont want your name anywhere near that if he isnt paying.

You say you have renters in this flat so where are you living now? Are you currently renting yourself or do you have other property? Having a secure rental income I would be loathe to give up right now given how house prices have increased too.

I feel you are being pushed into something that you are not comfortable with.

Thanks so much for both of you posting on this. He pays his mortgage on his flat. I am living in his flat and I pay monthly rent. He pays his bills and pays his loans. I don’t know how much £ he has because he pays for his son and obviously gives something to his ex wife. He does have money though and he is in a really good job so it’s such a weird one. He made it out like we were living our lives together and that I would just be switching houses and it’s okay because I get half of his flat my name on his lease. I love my partner so much but it doesn’t sit right with me. I don’t understand or I can’t comprehend how he is completely fine with me buying us a flat. He has never even thanked me. He is acting like it’s normal?! Is it normal? Why hasn’t he even said or mentioned 50/50 I just don’t get it. I would never put that financial burden on him it would always be 50/50 and he expects his name on half! 

I am renting my flat and living in my partners. My flat is getting sold it’s nearly done so I will lose that income. It’s a lot of income but I can still live without it it’s just a nice extra if that makes sense. 

I can’t thank you enough for your help and opinion. I don’t understand why he wants his name on a flat I’m paying for. He thinks because I will put my name on his flat it makes sense. He was in the army and he got help buying his flat (way before he met me). He is from a slightly different background than me. My family are a lot richer and posher and that has never ever been an issue and never should. It might explain some of his thinking? Or am I being stupid? 

I know he has never defaulted. It’s so strange he is so smart pays his way with everything else he has his own business the type of work he is doing means he should be earning loads. The flat would be cash so we wouldn’t have a mortgage. He wants to start a property business with me so this would be one of many flats. 

I don’t have another flat just the one I’m selling. Something just doesn’t sit right with me. I don’t know am I being strange?

I was expecting him to pay for the flat renovation work and even then it wouldn’t be much compared to what I have sacrificed. So he wouldn’t be getting paid. He sees it as we both own the house we move into and we own his flat. 

Thanks for the advice I’m going to ask him about his flat and what he owes etc. I need to be more aware and in control. I just don’t understand how a full grown man thinks it’s remotely okay for their girlfriend to buy him a house cause that’s what I’m basically doing. The flip side is it’s a life for us a house our house. He seems to think that’s fine. 

Thanks again guys I really appreciate it and I hope I have answered all your questions properly 

Dragonfly78

Ps he just never seems to have as much as he should. It’s like with his work he should earn a fair amount but the money is always tied into another project if that makes sense. It’s just how he has talked about. Yet he buys stuff when we live together. Once he asked for a few hundred as a loan while he was waiting on being paid for something and that was really really strange because of his work he is a full grown man he should have a few hundred available 

jennystarpepper

I think posting on here you are answering your own doubts and concerns.  I would stop or halt the sale, it is not too late, even if it costs you a few £££ to do this.  

It does not sound like an equal relationship.  When I met my partner he had no property and 2 children, yes he moved in with me.... but when we bought a house together it was equal , 50 / 50 , I rented my property out, he fitted a new kitchen and bathroom for free for me and when I sold it he would not accept money from the sale as I helped him in the past. 

I think you should know all about his ££££, if it is a partnership then you both have nothing to hide, sounds as if he wants you to fund his property empire!  No person has a right to a name on a property they are not paying for, he will get half if you split unless you make an agreement.

Please don't ignore the little voice which is talking too you.  You are not spoilt.  Best to slow it down than regret what you do. 

theoretica

If you are just switching houses that seems option - new place in just your name, his flat remains in his name,  You had been paying him rent, now it is his turn to pay you rent - which could, by agreement, be in renovation work to start with.

It seems asking for trouble to go into such a major financial partnership as joint flat ownership with anyone without both putting full financial situations in the open.  Also beware of buying the new place jointly and then discovering the mortgage lender won't permit your name to be added to his flat. And if both names go on the new place while he has a second property will you have to pay second home stamp duty?

Dragonfly78

Thanks a lot for your help! I am now asking him about his finances which I properly have not asked him before so it’s weird. He seems to think he has a right to it because we want a place together and my name is going on his flat. It’s just with my name going on his property it’s a flat not a house. If I don’t put any money in for the house we are going to live in there is no house 😂. I love and care about him so much however without my feelings he is getting a free house even if he contributes a few grand or work it’s nothing compared to over a hundred thousand pounds that I am going to put in. Thanks I am now listening to the voice in my head. He doesn’t put me down or patronise me at all I don’t want him to sound like a bad person that’s why it’s such a weird situation he’s acting like this is normal... 
thanks for your help guys! 

elsien

If you’re thinking of such a large financial commitment together then you should be able to talk about it from both your points of view and explore all the options.
I’m still confused about what is being suggested but the bottom line is if you can’t talk about it openly you shouldn’t be doing it. 

jennystarpepper

Remember it is nothing to do with him being a bad person.... but put feelings on the back burner, what would you tell someone in the same situation?

What if he gambles and things go wrong, if you have your name on his property you are liable for half of the debt. 

Hope things work out, please don't rush into anything.... do you have a friend or relative you can talk it over with... put the maths all on the table?