How to make things more equal?

Gavin83

LM1186 said:

Gavin83 said:

Just to clarify something (as I don’t think it’s been mentioned) do you own the house your living in or is it any sort of shared ownership? When you say he’s paid some money into the house what has he paid? Not that I think the above should change your decision but it could potentially make this split more complicated.

No, we rent the house together. We split the bills and rent 60/40 because I earn more than he does. I should have been a bit clearly when I said that we ‘pay in’. 

OK that does make it easier. What are the terms of the tenancy? If you’re down as joint tenants you’ve actually no real right to ask him to leave, he is as entitled to live there as you are. I know lots of posters have suggested kicking him out but it’s rarely this easy.

If you are joint tenants and he’s agreeing to leave in May it might be best to just agree to this to avoid problems.

Given you pay 60% of the rent already I assume you won’t have problems paying the full 100% once he moves out. 

As I said I don’t think the above should affect your decisions but it’s best to be prepared for any issues that might crop up.

Pollycat

LM1186 said:

74jax said:

Billy_B_North said:

74jax said:

Billy_B_North said:

I came into the thread in the hole of trying to offer advice about how to split up the various contributions, but like others think I need to ask what you get from having this partner around.
Is he making you happy? Do you feel joy when he walks through the door? Does he make you feel valued, and special?
It sounds as though he brings nothing; in which case, why are you with him?

If you read the thread you will see today they reached a decision to end. The deadline is May for him to move out (health reasons), but sooner if he decides he would rather go to his parents than pull his weight. 

Yes, it sounds like an excellent decision, although likely a hard one to have to make.

I hope for the op he decides he would rather go and live with his parents than clean the home, so moves out before May. But I do feel sad for the parents. 

Unfortunately, he did exactly as I suspected he would and chosen to stay until May. I tried to make it sound as unappealing as possible but it didn’t work. 

This evening he has put a load of his own washing on and cooked his own dinner. 

And did he clean up after he cooked for himself?

LM1186

Pollycat said:

LM1186 said:

74jax said:

Billy_B_North said:

74jax said:

Billy_B_North said:

I came into the thread in the hole of trying to offer advice about how to split up the various contributions, but like others think I need to ask what you get from having this partner around.
Is he making you happy? Do you feel joy when he walks through the door? Does he make you feel valued, and special?
It sounds as though he brings nothing; in which case, why are you with him?

If you read the thread you will see today they reached a decision to end. The deadline is May for him to move out (health reasons), but sooner if he decides he would rather go to his parents than pull his weight. 

Yes, it sounds like an excellent decision, although likely a hard one to have to make.

I hope for the op he decides he would rather go and live with his parents than clean the home, so moves out before May. But I do feel sad for the parents. 

Unfortunately, he did exactly as I suspected he would and chosen to stay until May. I tried to make it sound as unappealing as possible but it didn’t work. 

This evening he has put a load of his own washing on and cooked his own dinner. 

And did he clean up after he cooked for himself?

He did clean up after himself. It’s the most he’s done In years. 

That just tells me he could have done more all along and just chose not to. 

We’ll see how long it lasts, I suspect he’ll only be able to keep it up a few days. 

74jax

LM1186 said:

Pollycat said:

LM1186 said:

74jax said:

Billy_B_North said:

74jax said:

Billy_B_North said:

I came into the thread in the hole of trying to offer advice about how to split up the various contributions, but like others think I need to ask what you get from having this partner around.
Is he making you happy? Do you feel joy when he walks through the door? Does he make you feel valued, and special?
It sounds as though he brings nothing; in which case, why are you with him?

If you read the thread you will see today they reached a decision to end. The deadline is May for him to move out (health reasons), but sooner if he decides he would rather go to his parents than pull his weight. 

Yes, it sounds like an excellent decision, although likely a hard one to have to make.

I hope for the op he decides he would rather go and live with his parents than clean the home, so moves out before May. But I do feel sad for the parents. 

Unfortunately, he did exactly as I suspected he would and chosen to stay until May. I tried to make it sound as unappealing as possible but it didn’t work. 

This evening he has put a load of his own washing on and cooked his own dinner. 

And did he clean up after he cooked for himself?

He did clean up after himself. It’s the most he’s done In years. 

That just tells me he could have done more all along and just chose not to. 

We’ll see how long it lasts, I suspect he’ll only be able to keep it up a few days. 

Remember that is his choice though. If he doesn't keep it up and chooses to move out sooner, that is not YOU sending him to his parents early. That is HIM choosing to do that. So don't be guilt tripped into putting his parents at risk. You have been more than accommodating in even giving him the opportunity to protect his parents.
Is he stays till May at least he will be more acceptable to live with, but the moment he doesn't pull his weight is the moment he chooses to leave. 

MovingForwards

May isn't too far away, don't be swayed by him cooking for himself and tidying away. When it gets to May and he moves out by all means date him if there's a spark, but don't rush to have him move in again. 

My ex did nothing to try and save the marriage for the year we were dating. Which is why I started living my life around me, fully expecting to be single and fast losing hope I would remain married much longer. 

pinkshoes

He is clearly after a mother figure rather than a partner.

You have made an excellent decision asking him to leave and May will come round quickly!

And his efforts in the last 48 hours just shows that he IS capable of doing something but just chooses not to. 

My DH was raised in a household where his mum did everything and I made it very clear that if he wanted a mother not a partner then he could go live with his parents. I am determined to see my kids grow up in a household where parents run an equal partnership and share out all the tasks. I do most the stuff in school holidays (as I'm a teacher) but expect DH to do his fair share of housework and child duties during term time. 

[Deleted User]

@Gavin83 does make some good points about the tenancy. If it’s solely in your name then it will be much easier to show him the door. If it’s a joint tenancy then it would be wise to get some agreement between you, your partner and the landlord to either assign the tenancy solely into your name or sign a new tenancy agreement in just your name. 

Naomim

LM1186 said:

We've just had a massive row. He says I don't respect him or recognise when he does make an effort. 
I would get a cleaner but I'd have to pay for that too, it just feels unfair. 
I do speak to him badly sometimes, I just find it hard when I feel like he completely ignores the fact that I'm asking for help.

What is he? A child or dog that needs positive praise to do anything? Do you receive respect and praise for all that you do?

He will never change.  MrM is also "blind" to the housework etc and whilst I occasionally blow my top, I know he wont change.  Maybe it is time for you to call this relationship a day. 

Edited: I hadn't read the full thread through to the end when I posted this.  Now I have and I hope for your sake he is still managing to clear up after himself.

For what it's worth, I think you have made the right decision.

Good luck

Naomim