How to make things more equal?

LM1186

AskAsk said:

sounds like my husband!  he is so lazy.  in my experience, i find most men are pretty lazy around the house and the wife always end up doing all the housework even if they have a full time job.

unfortunately people do not change and lazy people will stay lazy.

I'm sorry to hear you are putting up with this too. How do you reconcile the imbalance?

MovingForwards

Had to re-read your post to check if you ended up with my ex.
Same as you I worked full-time and had to do everything, even after having an accident which left me disabled. My ex would come home from work and fall asleep, waking up to eat and staying up until 2am drinking. On his days off he would go round to his parents and not do anything at ours.
Other things happened and I told him to go, he settled in with his parents where his mom would do everything. So one day I made a new life, started packing and a few weeks later told him it was over, I drove off into the sunset and lived happily ever after; well I've enjoyed the nearly 5 years of my new life.
As for my ex, he's a few years away from retirement and still lives with his mom.

You can't change someone, they have to want to change.

LM1186

MovingForwards said:

Had to re-read your post to check if you ended up with my ex.
Same as you I worked full-time and had to do everything, even after having an accident which left me disabled. My ex would come home from work and fall asleep, waking up to eat and staying up until 2am drinking. On his days off he would go round to his parents and not do anything at ours.
Other things happened and I told him to go, he settled in with his parents where his mom would do everything. So one day I made a new life, started packing and a few weeks later told him it was over, I drove off into the sunset and lived happily ever after; well I've enjoyed the nearly 5 years of my new life.
As for my ex, he's a few years away from retirement and still lives with his mom.

You can't change someone, they have to want to change.

My partner also spends a lot of the weekends at his parents. He says he does this as the house will be his one day so it's only right he helps them out. Fair enough, but he doesn't do things here - in the place we both live every day. 

[Deleted User]

@LM1186 stop doing all the things you do for him. Don’t prepare his meals, don’t do his laundry and don’t sort out doctors appointments etc for him.  Find something for yourself to do at the weekends without him. Maybe even suggest Relate if you think think there relationship is worth saving. 

AskAsk

LM1186 said:

AskAsk said:

sounds like my husband!  he is so lazy.  in my experience, i find most men are pretty lazy around the house and the wife always end up doing all the housework even if they have a full time job.

unfortunately people do not change and lazy people will stay lazy.

I'm sorry to hear you are putting up with this too. How do you reconcile the imbalance?

we pay for someone else to do it, then we split the bill  

Pollycat

LM1186 said:

I've told him that I don't want to live with him any more.

Did you really mean this or was it an empty ultimatum?

What was his reaction?

LM1186

Pollycat said:

LM1186 said:

I've told him that I don't want to live with him any more.

Did you really mean this or was it an empty ultimatum?

What was his reaction?

I do mean it. I did tell him the same thing at Christmas, but he promised he would help more again.
I told him at that time that I'd had enough and he accepted he needed to do more or he would have to move out. 
I'm not sure he believes me this time. He said he'd speak to his parents - they've both had their first vaccinations but aren't due their second until May and he often uses this as an excuse to not move home. 
To a certain extent, I get it - I wouldn't want to risk it either. His job involves working in public spaces. 

74jax

LM1186 said:

Pollycat said:

LM1186 said:

I've told him that I don't want to live with him any more.

Did you really mean this or was it an empty ultimatum?

What was his reaction?

I do mean it. I did tell him the same thing at Christmas, but he promised he would help more again.
I told him at that time that I'd had enough and he accepted he needed to do more or he would have to move out. 
I'm not sure he believes me this time. He said he'd speak to his parents - they've both had their first vaccinations but aren't due their second until May and he often uses this as an excuse to not move home. 
To a certain extent, I get it - I wouldn't want to risk it either. His job involves working in public spaces. 

It seems you both say things you don't mean. Maybe you have both just come to accept this? There is nothing wrong with this if you both are this way and like a moan then don't do anything, and then play happy families.  You said it at Christmas - over 3 months ago...... If it hadn't changed in a week, why are you now 3 months on..... 
If you mean it this time then only actions will work. Otherwise in 3 or 4 weeks time you'll have the same conversation again. 
I'm not buying the excuse to not move home. You don't use that as an excuse to continue to be lazy, disrespect someone and use them. 
If he wants to stay with you till May he pulls his weight to be able to stay and protect his parents, or he doesn't and he moves on with them. 

Pollycat

LM1186 said:

Pollycat said:

LM1186 said:

I've told him that I don't want to live with him any more.

Did you really mean this or was it an empty ultimatum?

What was his reaction?

I do mean it. I did tell him the same thing at Christmas, but he promised he would help more again.
I told him at that time that I'd had enough and he accepted he needed to do more or he would have to move out. 
I'm not sure he believes me this time. He said he'd speak to his parents - they've both had their first vaccinations but aren't due their second until May and he often uses this as an excuse to not move home. 
To a certain extent, I get it - I wouldn't want to risk it either. His job involves working in public spaces. 

I'm not surprised he doesn't believe you.

You've told him once then gave him the chance of doing more in the house and you'd change your mind.

You've both been here before and he has no reason not to believe that you'll give him yet another chance.

Are you 100% sure that you want your relationship to end?

Do you feel that his parents are your responsibility?

Are they in a high risk group because of health issues?

Are they elderly?

LM1186

Pollycat said:

LM1186 said:

Pollycat said:

LM1186 said:

I've told him that I don't want to live with him any more.

Did you really mean this or was it an empty ultimatum?

What was his reaction?

I do mean it. I did tell him the same thing at Christmas, but he promised he would help more again.
I told him at that time that I'd had enough and he accepted he needed to do more or he would have to move out. 
I'm not sure he believes me this time. He said he'd speak to his parents - they've both had their first vaccinations but aren't due their second until May and he often uses this as an excuse to not move home. 
To a certain extent, I get it - I wouldn't want to risk it either. His job involves working in public spaces. 

I'm not surprised he doesn't believe you.

You've told him once then gave him the chance of doing more in the house and you'd change your mind.

You've both been here before and he has no reason not to believe that you'll give him yet another chance.

Are you 100% sure that you want your relationship to end?

Do you feel that his parents are your responsibility?

Are they in a high risk group because of health issues?

Are they elderly?

I know I've said I've had enough too many times and just give him another chance - that's on me and I accept it probably should have been over some time ago. 
I haven't been clear enough and I can see now that, all the second chances and given opportunities to change, even though I knew he wouldn't, have meant that he is unsure of when I mean something and when I don't. 
It's definitely time to move on. 

I don't think his parents are my responsibility, but I do care about them both a lot and I'd hate to think that I'd put them at risk.
They aren't in a high category and are both in their late 60's.