How to make things more equal?

wannabe_a_saver

LM1186 said:

We've just had a massive row. He says I don't respect him or recognise when he does make an effort. 
I would get a cleaner but I'd have to pay for that too, it just feels unfair. 
I do speak to him badly sometimes, I just find it hard when I feel like he completely ignores the fact that I'm asking for help.

You shouldn't even have to ask for 'help', that implies that keeping your home clean is just your responsibility.  

Mojisola

LM1186 said:

We've just had a massive row. He says I don't respect him or recognise when he does make an effort.

So he is respecting you by letting you clean up after him?

Does he recognise all the times you do work in the house and does he thank you when he does?

This is a typical tactic of a taker - I can't defend my position so I'll attack her and make her start to defend herself instead of sticking to the subject of my laziness.

LM1186

Mojisola said:

LM1186 said:

We've just had a massive row. He says I don't respect him or recognise when he does make an effort.

So he is respecting you by letting you clean up after him?

Does he recognise all the times you do work in the house and does he thank you when he does?

This is a typical tactic of a taker - I can't defend my position so I'll attack her and make her start to defend herself instead of sticking to the subject of my laziness.

This is exactly what has just happened. The argument was turned around on me because I don't respect him. He just said he isn't lazy and that he just isn't capable of 'seeing' the things that need to be done. 

Mojisola

LM1186 said:

This is exactly what has just happened. The argument was turned around on me because I don't respect him. He just said he isn't lazy and that he just isn't capable of 'seeing' the things that need to be done. 

Well, that's a lie because you wrote him a list and he still didn't do his share!

LM1186

It's actually exhausting. I feel like it's groundhog day - we have the same row, the same arguments, over the same thing and then I'm told if I just give him clear instructions, he'll happily help. As if a list isn't clear enough. 
I think I need to ask him to leave - he's already trying to make jokes to lighten the mood - which he always does after and argument - I laugh and everything gets brushed under the carpet until the next time. 

theoretica

LM1186 said:

We've just had a massive row. He says I don't respect him or recognise when he does make an effort.

And does he recognise all your efforts, respect you and thank you as profusely as he seems to wish to be thanked? 

[Deleted User]

LM1186 said:

Lover_of_Lycra said:

I have been in a similar situation and things did get better once I ended the relationship. We just weren’t compatible. I started to feel more and more like a parent, the sex dwindled because I was exhausted and started to resent the lazy slob and no amount of talking or promises to do more changed that, so I ended things. It was the right thing for both of us. 

This made me laugh.
He does genuinely have some really good qualities as a person but it just doesn't balance the scales on a day-to-day basis. He's kind, and funny, and we share a lot of the same interests. I don't feel like his partner, I feel like his Mum. 

My lazy slob wasn’t a bad person either. I sincerely hope that he’s met someone who either enjoys clearing up after him or living knee deep in her own filth. 

LM1186

theoretica said:

LM1186 said:

We've just had a massive row. He says I don't respect him or recognise when he does make an effort.

And does he recognise all your efforts, respect you and thank you as profusely as he seems to wish to be thanked? 

Not at all. I feel like everything I do largely gets ignored. 

wannabe_a_saver

LM1186 said:

Mojisola said:

LM1186 said:

We've just had a massive row. He says I don't respect him or recognise when he does make an effort.

So he is respecting you by letting you clean up after him?

Does he recognise all the times you do work in the house and does he thank you when he does?

This is a typical tactic of a taker - I can't defend my position so I'll attack her and make her start to defend herself instead of sticking to the subject of my laziness.

This is exactly what has just happened. The argument was turned around on me because I don't respect him. He just said he isn't lazy and that he just isn't capable of 'seeing' the things that need to be done. 

So many men make this claim, and yet if they ever end up living on their own funnily enough they don't end up knee deep in filth wearing rags.  Gay couples manage ok too.  What it really means is that they can't see why they should do it when there's a woman around who will do it for them. 

AskAsk

sounds like my husband!  he is so lazy.  in my experience, i find most men are pretty lazy around the house and the wife always end up doing all the housework even if they have a full time job.

unfortunately people do not change and lazy people will stay lazy.