How to make things more equal?

suejb2

Stop everything you do for him. Stop! Where he goes is not your issue, his parents or wherever. Give him a date you want him out for. A week or 10 days is plenty. 

Good luck.

74jax

LM1186 said:

Pollycat said:

LM1186 said:

Pollycat said:

LM1186 said:

I've told him that I don't want to live with him any more.

Did you really mean this or was it an empty ultimatum?

What was his reaction?

I do mean it. I did tell him the same thing at Christmas, but he promised he would help more again.
I told him at that time that I'd had enough and he accepted he needed to do more or he would have to move out. 
I'm not sure he believes me this time. He said he'd speak to his parents - they've both had their first vaccinations but aren't due their second until May and he often uses this as an excuse to not move home. 
To a certain extent, I get it - I wouldn't want to risk it either. His job involves working in public spaces. 

I'm not surprised he doesn't believe you.

You've told him once then gave him the chance of doing more in the house and you'd change your mind.

You've both been here before and he has no reason not to believe that you'll give him yet another chance.

Are you 100% sure that you want your relationship to end?

Do you feel that his parents are your responsibility?

Are they in a high risk group because of health issues?

Are they elderly?

I know I've said I've had enough too many times and just give him another chance - that's on me and I accept it probably should have been over some time ago. 
I haven't been clear enough and I can see now that, all the second chances and given opportunities to change, even though I knew he wouldn't, have meant that he is unsure of when I mean something and when I don't. 
It's definitely time to move on. 

I don't think his parents are my responsibility, but I do care about them both a lot and I'd hate to think that I'd put them at risk.
They aren't in a high category and are both in their late 60's. 

In which case, if it makes you feel better, for him to remain at your house until May he must do his own washing, cooking, shopping and half the cleaning. 

If he wants to protect his parents he will. If he doesn't then if their own son won't do all he can to protect them, why are you?  He then moves out earlier than May to live with them, but that's his choice. You have him the option of May but he chose not too. 

theoretica

He could of course move somewhere other than with you or with his parents temporarily - or permanently!

Pollycat

I agree with everything in the last 3 posts.

He's had his chances.

I'm in my late 60s, had my first vaccination and am not in a high risk category.

If my son had treated his partner so badly throughout the relationship, I would totally understand why she (i.e. you) would want him out.

I would see his future living arrangements as his problem. Not yours. And possibly not mine or his Dad's problem.

LM1186

Thank you to everyone who has commented - this thread has given me the clarity I needed.

Mands

You asked: "How to make things more equal?"

People who are trying to find a solution:
* You
* Your children
* Strangers on the internet

People who are not trying to find a solution:
* Your boyfriend

HampshireH

For me I wouldn't want my kids learning the following from him;

* No respect towards partners.
* That a woman does the lion's share and a man can slob around expecting her to and it's "ok"
*That spending the weekends in bed is acceptable when they have family obligations/responsibilities.
*That drinking to excess every weekend is "ok".

Your teens are living with this man who has no respect and needs to be mothered. Don't let his laziness become their learned behaviour. 

If you don't change this for you. Change it for them.

LM1186

74jax said:

LM1186 said:

Pollycat said:

LM1186 said:

Pollycat said:

LM1186 said:

I've told him that I don't want to live with him any more.

Did you really mean this or was it an empty ultimatum?

What was his reaction?

I do mean it. I did tell him the same thing at Christmas, but he promised he would help more again.
I told him at that time that I'd had enough and he accepted he needed to do more or he would have to move out. 
I'm not sure he believes me this time. He said he'd speak to his parents - they've both had their first vaccinations but aren't due their second until May and he often uses this as an excuse to not move home. 
To a certain extent, I get it - I wouldn't want to risk it either. His job involves working in public spaces. 

I'm not surprised he doesn't believe you.

You've told him once then gave him the chance of doing more in the house and you'd change your mind.

You've both been here before and he has no reason not to believe that you'll give him yet another chance.

Are you 100% sure that you want your relationship to end?

Do you feel that his parents are your responsibility?

Are they in a high risk group because of health issues?

Are they elderly?

I know I've said I've had enough too many times and just give him another chance - that's on me and I accept it probably should have been over some time ago. 
I haven't been clear enough and I can see now that, all the second chances and given opportunities to change, even though I knew he wouldn't, have meant that he is unsure of when I mean something and when I don't. 
It's definitely time to move on. 

I don't think his parents are my responsibility, but I do care about them both a lot and I'd hate to think that I'd put them at risk.
They aren't in a high category and are both in their late 60's. 

In which case, if it makes you feel better, for him to remain at your house until May he must do his own washing, cooking, shopping and half the cleaning. 

If he wants to protect his parents he will. If he doesn't then if their own son won't do all he can to protect them, why are you?  He then moves out earlier than May to live with them, but that's his choice. You have him the option of May but he chose not too. 

He came home and was acting like nothing had happened.
I asked him if he's spoken with his parents about moving home and he said he has, but they'd be more comfortable with it after their second vaccine. 
I was really clear and set out the terms @74jax said above and he was quite angry at first but then accepted it. 
I told him, whatever happens, he will be moving out at the earliest opportunity.

74jax

LM1186 said:

74jax said:

LM1186 said:

Pollycat said:

LM1186 said:

Pollycat said:

LM1186 said:

I've told him that I don't want to live with him any more.

Did you really mean this or was it an empty ultimatum?

What was his reaction?

I do mean it. I did tell him the same thing at Christmas, but he promised he would help more again.
I told him at that time that I'd had enough and he accepted he needed to do more or he would have to move out. 
I'm not sure he believes me this time. He said he'd speak to his parents - they've both had their first vaccinations but aren't due their second until May and he often uses this as an excuse to not move home. 
To a certain extent, I get it - I wouldn't want to risk it either. His job involves working in public spaces. 

I'm not surprised he doesn't believe you.

You've told him once then gave him the chance of doing more in the house and you'd change your mind.

You've both been here before and he has no reason not to believe that you'll give him yet another chance.

Are you 100% sure that you want your relationship to end?

Do you feel that his parents are your responsibility?

Are they in a high risk group because of health issues?

Are they elderly?

I know I've said I've had enough too many times and just give him another chance - that's on me and I accept it probably should have been over some time ago. 
I haven't been clear enough and I can see now that, all the second chances and given opportunities to change, even though I knew he wouldn't, have meant that he is unsure of when I mean something and when I don't. 
It's definitely time to move on. 

I don't think his parents are my responsibility, but I do care about them both a lot and I'd hate to think that I'd put them at risk.
They aren't in a high category and are both in their late 60's. 

In which case, if it makes you feel better, for him to remain at your house until May he must do his own washing, cooking, shopping and half the cleaning. 

If he wants to protect his parents he will. If he doesn't then if their own son won't do all he can to protect them, why are you?  He then moves out earlier than May to live with them, but that's his choice. You have him the option of May but he chose not too. 

He came home and was acting like nothing had happened.
I asked him if he's spoken with his parents about moving home and he said he has, but they'd be more comfortable with it after their second vaccine. 
I was really clear and set out the terms @74jax said above and he was quite angry at first but then accepted it. 
I told him, whatever happens, he will be moving out at the earliest opportunity.

Hopefully - for you - he'll get hungry when he doesn't shop or run out of clean clothes, so will move in with them before May.
But if not, you have a few weeks to get everything sorted for when he leaves, just count the days, the hard part is done.
The moment he decides he would rather move in with them before May, than keep your place clean, is the moment HE has chosen to go. 

Pollycat

LM1186 said:

74jax said:

LM1186 said:

Pollycat said:

LM1186 said:

Pollycat said:

LM1186 said:

I've told him that I don't want to live with him any more.

Did you really mean this or was it an empty ultimatum?

What was his reaction?

I do mean it. I did tell him the same thing at Christmas, but he promised he would help more again.
I told him at that time that I'd had enough and he accepted he needed to do more or he would have to move out. 
I'm not sure he believes me this time. He said he'd speak to his parents - they've both had their first vaccinations but aren't due their second until May and he often uses this as an excuse to not move home. 
To a certain extent, I get it - I wouldn't want to risk it either. His job involves working in public spaces. 

I'm not surprised he doesn't believe you.

You've told him once then gave him the chance of doing more in the house and you'd change your mind.

You've both been here before and he has no reason not to believe that you'll give him yet another chance.

Are you 100% sure that you want your relationship to end?

Do you feel that his parents are your responsibility?

Are they in a high risk group because of health issues?

Are they elderly?

I know I've said I've had enough too many times and just give him another chance - that's on me and I accept it probably should have been over some time ago. 
I haven't been clear enough and I can see now that, all the second chances and given opportunities to change, even though I knew he wouldn't, have meant that he is unsure of when I mean something and when I don't. 
It's definitely time to move on. 

I don't think his parents are my responsibility, but I do care about them both a lot and I'd hate to think that I'd put them at risk.
They aren't in a high category and are both in their late 60's. 

In which case, if it makes you feel better, for him to remain at your house until May he must do his own washing, cooking, shopping and half the cleaning. 

If he wants to protect his parents he will. If he doesn't then if their own son won't do all he can to protect them, why are you?  He then moves out earlier than May to live with them, but that's his choice. You have him the option of May but he chose not too. 

He came home and was acting like nothing had happened.
I asked him if he's spoken with his parents about moving home and he said he has, but they'd be more comfortable with it after their second vaccine. 
I was really clear and set out the terms @74jax said above and he was quite angry at first but then accepted it. 
I told him, whatever happens, he will be moving out at the earliest opportunity.

You need to be strong and ensure he keeps to the agreement you've made.
Any slacking and he's out.
TBH, I can't see him sticking to it.
If he didn't when you were a couple, what incentive does he have now?