How to make things more equal?

74jax

Pollycat said:

LM1186 said:

74jax said:

LM1186 said:

Pollycat said:

LM1186 said:

Pollycat said:

LM1186 said:

I've told him that I don't want to live with him any more.

Did you really mean this or was it an empty ultimatum?

What was his reaction?

I do mean it. I did tell him the same thing at Christmas, but he promised he would help more again.
I told him at that time that I'd had enough and he accepted he needed to do more or he would have to move out. 
I'm not sure he believes me this time. He said he'd speak to his parents - they've both had their first vaccinations but aren't due their second until May and he often uses this as an excuse to not move home. 
To a certain extent, I get it - I wouldn't want to risk it either. His job involves working in public spaces. 

I'm not surprised he doesn't believe you.

You've told him once then gave him the chance of doing more in the house and you'd change your mind.

You've both been here before and he has no reason not to believe that you'll give him yet another chance.

Are you 100% sure that you want your relationship to end?

Do you feel that his parents are your responsibility?

Are they in a high risk group because of health issues?

Are they elderly?

I know I've said I've had enough too many times and just give him another chance - that's on me and I accept it probably should have been over some time ago. 
I haven't been clear enough and I can see now that, all the second chances and given opportunities to change, even though I knew he wouldn't, have meant that he is unsure of when I mean something and when I don't. 
It's definitely time to move on. 

I don't think his parents are my responsibility, but I do care about them both a lot and I'd hate to think that I'd put them at risk.
They aren't in a high category and are both in their late 60's. 

In which case, if it makes you feel better, for him to remain at your house until May he must do his own washing, cooking, shopping and half the cleaning. 

If he wants to protect his parents he will. If he doesn't then if their own son won't do all he can to protect them, why are you?  He then moves out earlier than May to live with them, but that's his choice. You have him the option of May but he chose not too. 

He came home and was acting like nothing had happened.
I asked him if he's spoken with his parents about moving home and he said he has, but they'd be more comfortable with it after their second vaccine. 
I was really clear and set out the terms @74jax said above and he was quite angry at first but then accepted it. 
I told him, whatever happens, he will be moving out at the earliest opportunity.

You need to be strong and ensure he keeps to the agreement you've made.
Any slacking and he's out.
TBH, I can't see him sticking to it.
If he didn't when you were a couple, what incentive does he have now?

Hopefully, as he says, keeping his parents safe.
But it's his choice. Pull his weight and stay till May, or don't and go earlier. 

Billy_B_North

I came into the thread in the hole of trying to offer advice about how to split up the various contributions, but like others think I need to ask what you get from having this partner around.
Is he making you happy? Do you feel joy when he walks through the door? Does he make you feel valued, and special?
It sounds as though he brings nothing; in which case, why are you with him?

74jax

Billy_B_North said:

I came into the thread in the hole of trying to offer advice about how to split up the various contributions, but like others think I need to ask what you get from having this partner around.
Is he making you happy? Do you feel joy when he walks through the door? Does he make you feel valued, and special?
It sounds as though he brings nothing; in which case, why are you with him?

If you read the thread you will see today they reached a decision to end. The deadline is May for him to move out (health reasons), but sooner if he decides he would rather go to his parents than pull his weight. 

sammyjammy

Sounds like you'll be well rid, I kinda feel sorry for the parents, sad that his first thought is to go back to his parents, poor things!

Billy_B_North

74jax said:

Billy_B_North said:

I came into the thread in the hole of trying to offer advice about how to split up the various contributions, but like others think I need to ask what you get from having this partner around.
Is he making you happy? Do you feel joy when he walks through the door? Does he make you feel valued, and special?
It sounds as though he brings nothing; in which case, why are you with him?

If you read the thread you will see today they reached a decision to end. The deadline is May for him to move out (health reasons), but sooner if he decides he would rather go to his parents than pull his weight. 

Yes, it sounds like an excellent decision, although likely a hard one to have to make.

74jax

Billy_B_North said:

74jax said:

Billy_B_North said:

I came into the thread in the hole of trying to offer advice about how to split up the various contributions, but like others think I need to ask what you get from having this partner around.
Is he making you happy? Do you feel joy when he walks through the door? Does he make you feel valued, and special?
It sounds as though he brings nothing; in which case, why are you with him?

If you read the thread you will see today they reached a decision to end. The deadline is May for him to move out (health reasons), but sooner if he decides he would rather go to his parents than pull his weight. 

Yes, it sounds like an excellent decision, although likely a hard one to have to make.

I hope for the op he decides he would rather go and live with his parents than clean the home, so moves out before May. But I do feel sad for the parents. 

wannabe_a_saver

LM1186 said:

Pollycat said:

LM1186 said:

I've told him that I don't want to live with him any more.

Did you really mean this or was it an empty ultimatum?

What was his reaction?

I do mean it. I did tell him the same thing at Christmas, but he promised he would help more again.
I told him at that time that I'd had enough and he accepted he needed to do more or he would have to move out. 
I'm not sure he believes me this time. He said he'd speak to his parents - they've both had their first vaccinations but aren't due their second until May and he often uses this as an excuse to not move home. 
To a certain extent, I get it - I wouldn't want to risk it either. His job involves working in public spaces. 

If you tell him he has to move out then he has to move out.  Where he goes is not your problem.  Its not his parents' problem either unless they decide they want it to be.

I can't for the life of me think why you want him around for another month.  He's a working adult, he can sort himself out somewhere to stay for a few weeks!  

Gavin83

Just to clarify something (as I don’t think it’s been mentioned) do you own the house your living in or is it any sort of shared ownership? When you say he’s paid some money into the house what has he paid? Not that I think the above should change your decision but it could potentially make this split more complicated.

LM1186

Gavin83 said:

Just to clarify something (as I don’t think it’s been mentioned) do you own the house your living in or is it any sort of shared ownership? When you say he’s paid some money into the house what has he paid? Not that I think the above should change your decision but it could potentially make this split more complicated.

No, we rent the house together. We split the bills and rent 60/40 because I earn more than he does. I should have been a bit clearly when I said that we ‘pay in’. 

LM1186

74jax said:

Billy_B_North said:

74jax said:

Billy_B_North said:

I came into the thread in the hole of trying to offer advice about how to split up the various contributions, but like others think I need to ask what you get from having this partner around.
Is he making you happy? Do you feel joy when he walks through the door? Does he make you feel valued, and special?
It sounds as though he brings nothing; in which case, why are you with him?

If you read the thread you will see today they reached a decision to end. The deadline is May for him to move out (health reasons), but sooner if he decides he would rather go to his parents than pull his weight. 

Yes, it sounds like an excellent decision, although likely a hard one to have to make.

I hope for the op he decides he would rather go and live with his parents than clean the home, so moves out before May. But I do feel sad for the parents. 

Unfortunately, he did exactly as I suspected he would and chosen to stay until May. I tried to make it sound as unappealing as possible but it didn’t work. 

This evening he has put a load of his own washing on and cooked his own dinner.