How to make things more equal?

LM1186

My partner and I have been together for 5 years, we've lived together just over 2 years now. I have two teenage children from my previous marriage, he doesn't have a history of many relationships. We're mid 30's.
I knew he was quite a messy person before we moved in but he insisted that, when he'd lived outside his parents home in the past, he did tidy up after himself etc. 
Since moving in together, it's clear that he doesn't tidy up very much at all, in fact, he is an incredibly lazy individual and I hadn't realised the full extent of this before. 
I earn more money so pay a lot more into the house, I work long hours during the week and I also do all of the domestic work around the house. I also do all of the invisible work, like remembering birthdays, events, doctors and so on (including his). He rarely cooks, cleans or does any washing. He might get the vacuum out once a month. 
His job isn't very taxing and, although it is full time, he rarely does more than 5 hours a day including travel. He has so much more free time than I do, I would just really love it if he could help me out a bit more.
He does mow the lawn and do the weeding in the garden when I point out it needs doing and he does load to dishwasher after dinner every night. 
If I write him a list of things that need attention around the house, he will dip in and out of doing those things but usually over a long period of time and never completed everything.
He drinks heavily every weekend and stays in bed until the afternoon so doesn't have a lot of time to get things done.
I feel incredibly put upon. I've tried speaking with him about it more times than I can remember over the last 2 years. I've tried starting really small, for instance, just putting his stuff away every evening but, he'll do those things for a bit and then just stop again. The next time we argue about it, he might start putting a load of washing on, but then he'll quickly forget about it and leave stuff in the washing machine for days. 
I've tried explaining the impact on me mentally for doing the lions share of everything and he says all the right things but nothing ever changes. 
I've told him that I don't want to live with him any more. Does anyone have any experience of this and, if so, did it ever get any better?

wannabe_a_saver

What on earth is the benefit of having him around?  He's not a partner, he's a teenage child you seem to have taken responsibility for.  Pack him off back to his mum!

74jax

When my husband moved in, he was open and said he didn't 'see' mess etc. I said I was not cleaning up after him if he wouldn't for me. He hired a cleaner. 
Is that an option?  My husband will cook more than me, put bins out, do DIY etc but washing, cleaning, windows, anything like that is a no. He would just pile his dirty clothes up in the corner if he could......, 😂 🙈
I said from the start though I wasn't going to mother him. So the moment he moved in he sorted a cleaner. We have had zero issues. 

Mojisola

LM1186 said:

My partner and I have been together for 5 years, we've lived together just over 2 years now. I have two teenage children from my previous marriage
I work long hours during the week and I also do all of the domestic work around the house. I also do all of the invisible work, like remembering birthdays, events, doctors and so on (including his).

He drinks heavily every weekend and stays in bed until the afternoon.

I've told him that I don't want to live with him any more.

There are four people in the house and there should be four of you keeping the house running.  How are you going to get your children to do their share when your partner is treating you like a servant?

The heavy drinking would also be a major issue for me.

You could spend years trying all sorts of techniques to get him to make a small contribution towards the chores but why should you?  If he cared for you and your feelings, he would be working with you as a team to deal with everything.

Follow your gut and send him home to his real Mum instead of being a surrogate one.

LM1186

wannabe_a_saver said:

What on earth is the benefit of having him around?  He's not a partner, he's a teenage child you seem to have taken responsibility for.  Pack him off back to his mum!

Except that my teenagers do more round the house than he does. You're right, I don't know what the benefit is anymore, or if there ever was one. 

LM1186

We've just had a massive row. He says I don't respect him or recognise when he does make an effort. 
I would get a cleaner but I'd have to pay for that too, it just feels unfair. 
I do speak to him badly sometimes, I just find it hard when I feel like he completely ignores the fact that I'm asking for help.

74jax

LM1186 said:

We've just had a massive row. He says I don't respect him or recognise when he does make an effort. 
I would get a cleaner but I'd have to pay for that too, it just feels unfair. 
I do speak to him badly sometimes, I just find it hard when I feel like he completely ignores the fact that I'm asking for help.

In which case, no don't. It's not your issue a cleaner needs to be brought in for. 
It sounds as though its gone on too long. And the end of the road has come. 
Not all relationships are equal, in terms of money, cleaning and other stuff. But they are equal in other ways. 
If this isn't, then time to split. What would you say to your children if they were in this kind of relationship? 

gwynlas

It would appear that you can only make things more equal by lowering your standards rather than try and raise his, is this what you want to do? I cannot see that he wants to change if he can get along by behaving in this way. Does it feel like a partnership that you wish to remain in so that you get old together? If you don't then you might as well split up sooner rather than later. There is no need to make it into an argument, if he can return to his family home then ask him to leave, you could help by packing up for him. If this is likely to lead to an argument then pack his things whilst he is out and have someone at home to support you.
It is probably best if you explain to your children why you are doing this but do not involve them besides splitting chores three ways in the future.

[Deleted User]

I have been in a similar situation and things did get better once I ended the relationship. We just weren’t compatible. I started to feel more and more like a parent, the sex dwindled because I was exhausted and started to resent the lazy slob and no amount of talking or promises to do more changed that, so I ended things. It was the right thing for both of us. 

theoretica

There are four of you in the house - and using the teens might be an excuse to write up a rota - whose turn it is to cook/laundry/clean/garden/etc etc and talking about them a lot more, thank everyone for everything they have done so everything is noticed not just quietly getting done.

But I agree that the relationship does sound like it needs examining.

LM1186

Lover_of_Lycra said:

I have been in a similar situation and things did get better once I ended the relationship. We just weren’t compatible. I started to feel more and more like a parent, the sex dwindled because I was exhausted and started to resent the lazy slob and no amount of talking or promises to do more changed that, so I ended things. It was the right thing for both of us. 

This made me laugh.
He does genuinely have some really good qualities as a person but it just doesn't balance the scales on a day-to-day basis. He's kind, and funny, and we share a lot of the same interests. I don't feel like his partner, I feel like his Mum.