WEDDING CRISIS! Are we wrong for feeling like this?
Whoknowswhatnow
Forumite 2 Posts
Sorry if this is very long... just want to tell the full truth and not cut any corners.
Me and My Fiancée are set to get married this July, we got engaged in September 2018, so we have been planning the wedding for some time now. She is literally the perfect match for me. She is so lovely and kind hearted. I really can’t wait. I’m the luckiest man in the world.
My two sisters were asked back in 2018 if they would like to be her bridesmaids and their daughters be our flower girls, they happily and excitedly agreed – we were thrilled! Where the problem lies is that one of my sisters (sister 1) has a really cocky, arrogant and rude boyfriend. For example, the first time we met him, he had his hands down his trousers, went into my mum’s house and starting drinking from the tap, then went to the mirror played with his hair and answered a phone call from one of his mates – not a great impression hey? Since then, overtime, we have got to know him a lot better. he’s got a lot worse especially towards our family. He causes so much trouble at every event my family arranges, whether it’s out for a meal or a party... he can’t control his drink and he starts picking at people until they bite leading to arguments and sometimes even fights. He ruined our engagement party... which caused my parents to not be there for me, as they were too busy sorting him out- down to his drinking and bad mouthing my grandad.
My wife to be and I sat down and both agreed that we don’t want him at our wedding, as there is no doubt that he will ruin our day from the above events. We have been planning this for 2 years and have saved every penny ourselves and we can’t risk him being there. We’re not in any way doing it maliciously, because we have allowed my other sister’s (sister 2) partner (that we also don’t get on with either typically, due to his lying and also treating my other sister like rubbish e.g., kicking her out at night, making her walk home in the dark and cold whilst pregnant, after previously suffering from a miscarriage) to go to the wedding as we know that he that he wouldn’t cause a scene and he would keep quiet.
We told sister 1 that we would not want him at our wedding due to the upset and the worry that he may cause. This was made VERY clear to her. It did cause an argument and it ended up being brushed under the carpet but I did ask her if she would still be bridesmaid regardless and not let my wife to be down, her response was “Of course I will, I never said I wouldn’t.” Sometime passed, we weren’t speaking due to the fight that he had caused at surprise, surprise, another event, new year’s 2019 right up until January 2021 this year where we had decided to buy the flower girl dresses for my sisters’ daughters. I had text sister 1 about arrangements to try on the flower girl dress (as we have all moved out from home) and her response was “I’ve been meaning to speak to you, is my partner still not allowed to go to the wedding?” I then rang her and explained politely that “Please don’t think I’m being malicious but we just don’t want our day ruined by having him there.” She replied with “Well me and my daughter will not be going to the wedding as we are a family. That is my final decision.” We accepted this and understood where she was coming from but as much as we did, we couldn’t give in because of his previous track record. We were already stressing about the pandemic as to whether it would be going ahead.
Mum got the message from me explaining that I was upset by sister 1 was not willing to come to the wedding. I thought she would understand and be on sister 1’s case encouraging her that it’s her brother’s wedding. Please bear in mind that mum and dad HATE sister 1’s partner due to the bad track record like mentioned above. They agreed with me that he shouldn’t be at the wedding, however they forgive him all the time just so that they can still their granddaughter and for this reason, she was on sister 1’s side and actually on MY case, pressuring me to forgive him too.
We decided to sit down with both sister 1 and her partner (reluctantly) due to everyone – and I mean everyone thinking that me and my fiancée were being unfair. The other members of the family were saying to us that we should let him go and that they could promise us he would in no way ruin our wedding day (even though our argument was, how can you promise that, you can't control what other people do. He knows we don't like him and we feel he would try and ruin our day out of spite.) We walked through the door, and he had a face-like-thunder and didn’t even want to acknowledge us. We tried to come to a compromise but we eventually decided to give in as we were being blackmailed by my sister, that if he doesn’t go to the wedding, she won’t or neither will our niece - we adore our niece. We told them both “If we were going to compromise, we asked one thing, if he was to come, don’t speak to us on our wedding day, just be there for my sister.” (just like my mum said) However, they both kicked off and said we were being unfair. Words were then crossed, being things like, “you won’t be seeing our little girl no more.” - we are used to this as my sister blackmails the rest of my family with, “if you don’t accept my partner you don’t get to see my daughter.”
Then, my mum jumps on the bandwagon - please note that she is a massive control freak that has also been peer pressuring me from the start to let him come (even though she despises him). She only wants him to go so that her granddaughter would be there, she is very, VERY obsessive over her granddaughters. In the time that we have been engaged, there has been nothing from my side of the family. On the VERY rare occasion that mum wants to bring our wedding up, it’s to ask my future wife what she’s planning to put her granddaughters in and how all the attention will be on them even though it’s OUR wedding day.
Not that we want my parents too, but back last year my dad was made redundant and they had plans to get their granddaughters loads of stuff to help my sisters out, which mum and dad did, they promised me and my fiancée £2000 towards our wedding – very kind. The girls got their stuff, but they retracted the money from us because they ran out of money from the spending spree for everyone else. We got over it, however what brushed us up the wrong way was when we met for coffee in December 2020. The four of us sat down, but there was no mention of the wedding. So, my fiancée decided to bring up that she brought her wedding shoes to get the ball rolling. Do you know what the first thing she said was? “Aww they’re lovely, how much were they, can you get the flower girls a pair of them to match you? Me and dad will put the money over right now to get them some.” My wife to be responded, “I kind of want it to be special to me, so no but we will get them a nice pretty pair of shoes.” (My fiancées shoes are gemmed up white air max, as she hates heels and wears air max every day)
Back to the story, to me, its feels as if she has been there for my sisters every step of the way (as they both had babies after I got engaged) but not shown me any support... as any time I bring the wedding up, she changes the subject. It hurts because any big time in both my sisters’ lives, she was there for them, but when it’s a big time in my life... she can't even give me any of her time. For weeks she was fighting my sister’s corner... she even said to me, which was like stamping on my heart, “if they weren’t there at the wedding, she wouldn’t be able to enjoy it and that she was dreading it.”
After the argument, I called her to tell her it didn’t go great, that we tried but they just couldn’t be satisfied for this one small request. The conversation ended with her being on sister 1’s side … even though mums promised words were that she could keep him away from us. This really hurts because out of all this we have been blackmailed and we have done nothing but compromise... she then started to blame my wife to be by texting me that we are both stuck up and that my wife was a nasty b****, who got what she wanted by them not coming to the wedding, she’s happy now and that my wife will NEVER be a part of the family. This broke my heart as I think the world of my fiancée, she has physically done nothing wrong. My fiancée doesn’t ever cause issues like my sisters’ partners. Mum even messaged my fiancée saying “you got what you want, I hope you’re F****** happy now, you will never be part of my family” Mum said she now won’t be coming to our wedding and has spoken for herself and my dad. My dad doesn’t ever stick up for me, he keeps quiet about every argument and when he is asked his opinion, it’s ALWAYS mums’ side. I get that partners do stick to their wife/husbands side but I’m his son and surely he can my case. Also, my sister spoke for her and my niece and said they won’t be going.
So, Mother’s Day has just happened and I didn’t get mum a card, why should I? After all of this upset for the build-up of our wedding day (that we should be enjoying). Both sisters called and messaged me saying “you’re out of order not getting mum a card, she’s still your mum, I hope you feel bad etc etc...” Mother’s Day comes round Every. Single. Year. Our wedding day- we’ve been planning for 2 years doesn’t, it’s a lifetime memory, a huge event in my life and they expect me to get a card for her at least? They said she was sobbing and is heartbroken because of this but in my eyes, one day of pain is nothing to the years of pain I’ve had from them all.
This has greatly upset us both as we have bent over backwards for all of them.... this is our day and I am so angry. Both my mum and my sister has found a way to make it all about them. All I asked in all of this was just for their time and support and I got neither. All they have managed to do is upset wife to be and when you upset her, you upset me.
We have still been the bigger people and still posted them an invite, even though they are sure they are not going. We posted it so we would have no guilt or it didn’t come back on us. We have decided to cut all ties with them from now even if they do come to our wedding day, things won’t be the same, it too far gone. This has happened far too often and what with the stress of covid potentially ruining our day and now them, it is unforgivable.
What made me so upset over all of this, is that they can’t see that they have caused this, they blamed my fiancée, and have not even said sorry and they have sided with my sister 1 and her partner. Since this big blowout nearly a month ago, sister 1 has been messaging (trying to get me to answer, which I don’t) to sort this out with mum and dad. She has been using the “Nan’s upset” card to make me feel bad and that mum is heartbroken and dad is down but none of them care about how I feel and this is my day. They want ME to go to THEM, to make amends. Even though a couple of days earlier, my mum had text to say that she still won’t be going, she can’t see how we can come back from this, and how she can’t deal with my rules (what rules?) and how my fiancée has been (how has she been?).
You really see who is truly there for you in times like this. I can never forgive them both for what they have done.
You can cut ties with friends, partners, why should family be any different. I’m done with all the arguments, all the time, but making a scene over our wedding day has just overstepped the mark.
Are we right for cutting ties with them or and for feeling the way we do?
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Replies
How you feel is how you feel, there is no right or wrong about it.
Had I been in your position, I would have cut ties with them long ago. I cut ties with most of my family long ago and have not regretted that decision at all, despite attempts by other family members to get me to engage with them again. I don't miss them at all, particularly the whining, moaning, begging, asking for favours, etc. There were more negatives than positives in dealing with those family members and after a lifetime of grief, I couldn't handle it anymore.
You must do what is right for you and your fiancée. If that means cutting ties, then go ahead and do so.
Best of luck and I hope that your wedding day is drama-free.
x
The boyfriend problem is something that should have been nipped in the bud, and he should have been thrown out of the engagement party.
He could have been 'managed' at the wedding if enough of the men at the gathering knew to keep an eye on him and to deal with the first infraction of the day.
Some people will behave as badly as you allow them to towards you.
Ignore the guilt that your female family members are leveling at you: do they feel guilty about anything that they've done to you in this situation?
It sounds to me like your life will get more peaceful and calm if you ignore/renounce your family.
Good luck on the wedding day, have a few mates aware and around in case anyone decides to gatecrash/wreck it.
At the end of the day it's your wedding, you pick who's invited. As you know she won't attend without her BF, make alternative arrangements or stick with S2 and child only.
I don't know if you are planning on having kids, but if/when you do, they will soon change their tune when they want to see their new grand-daughter, niece etc.
Hope you get it all sorted soon though.
Trouble is OP telling your sister her husband/partner can’t come is never going to go down well, even though I agree with you in that he’s awful! Far better to have a plan in place for when he kicked off that did not involve your mum sorting him out because she never has been able to at past events has she? Have you got a tough friend to haul him out instead?
I agree that your mum and your sister's behaviour and the things they have said has been appalling, and I can see why you couldn’t bring yourself to buy your mum a Mother’s Day card.
I know where you are coming from as my sisters hubby was awful and ruined many a family event - and if it wasn’t him it would be my other narcissistic sister - you could set your watches by them it would either be one or the other
I wouldn’t totally cut them off though, one day you might have a family and will be eager to show off your babies and rightly so.
Happy moneysaving all.
2. It's a wedding. Just cancel the whole thing, get everything refunded, and the two of you go and get married in private taking a couple of good friends as witnesses or even get two random people to be a witness. Trust me, you'll have WAY more fun that way!! And then the money you have saved can be spent on an amazing holiday when Covid finally does one!!
Would've = Would HAVE (not 'of')
No, I am not perfect, but yes I do judge people on their use of basic English language. If you didn't know the above, then learn it! (If English is your second language, then you are forgiven!)
Marriage is about two people and moving forward, you and your fiancee should forget the bling and just plan a wedding that celebrates both of you, inviting people who you are happy to have there. Covid rules might well limit your numbers anyway.
If you want to cut ties with your family then do so but you need to be consistent and this might mean seeking some counselling in order to let past hurts go. Do not send invitations for the sake of it have the courage of your convictions.
I have friends who took every precaution to prevent an alcoholic relative from ruining their day - he wasn't invited, people agreed to act as bouncers if he turned up, etc - he still turned up at the church, roaring drunk, while they were making their vows, swearing and cursing and fighting off those who tried to remove him.
Even now, years later, the couple hate their memories of their wedding day.