WEDDING CRISIS! Are we wrong for feeling like this?

gettingtheresometime

Whilst I can fully appreciate why you didn't want nasty drunk BIL there, in a way you set the scene for the argument by being prepared to have equally as nasty but not drunk BIL at the wedding, so I can see how it can, & has, been interpreted.

I just wonder what your response would be if your fiancee wasn't invited to a family event - is your sister's response justified in her eyes (regardless of the merits of not wanting NDBIL there) ?

I was talking to a friend a couple of years back when her son got married and we both came to the conclusion that being the mother of the groom is far different to being mother of the bride  & I'm wondering if this isn't coming into play here.

Emmia

I'd elope and ask strangers to witness, or ask a couple of close friends to be witnesses and do it at a registry office (there are some beautiful ones around for the photos) mid week (no one will expect a midweek wedding so gate crashing is less likely).

It will save you huge amounts of drama and stress and fundamentally will be much, much cheaper.

Of course if you've got your heart set on a £20k wedding involving an enormous white strapless meringue of a dress for the bride, a three piece suit for the groom, and a wedding party that's in double figures... then a small wedding at a registry office probably won't be the same. 

As for whether you should cut family off, that's a difficult one - but in your shoes I probably would.

sheramber

 You can chose your friends but you can't choose your family.
 I agree with others and cancel the big wedding. Do you think you are going to enjoy the constant hassle until the day and on the day itself? 
It sounds like It will be  day you do not want to remember.

By compromising you have shown them that you can be bullied into doing what they want so they continue to do so.
 You need to decide what you want to do and stick to it. But only you can do it. They won't change.
yes, there will be fall out but it sounds as if there will be fall out if th wedding goes ahead.

 Advise everyone the wedding is cancelled and leave it at that. Do not mention what you plan to do. Do not include them in arrangements.
Have  the wedding you want with those you want to share the day with.
Have a quiet ceremony and a party  afterwards.
A wedding should be about the two of you making a commitment to each other. Not  the big bling affair .
 

wannabe_a_saver

What a load of drama, sounds like the perfect situation for an elopement and saving yourself a ton of money and stress. 

I can definitely see other sides of this though, it sounds like your poor sisters are in abusive/unhappy relationships and your mum has to tread on eggshells to keep contact with her granddaughters who she adores and who she probably hates to see being raised in such dysfunctional homes. 

CookieMonster

gwynlas said:

Well you and your partner have created this situation by wanting a bling wedding with mature bridesmaids and flowergirls despite knowing how your sisters partner acts when drunk.  

That's tripe. The OP and his fiancee's actions shouldn't be affected/directed by the poor behaviour of others.

As for all the people kindly suggesting that they abandon their marriage plans - that's not dealing with the root cause, which is the poor behaviour and subsequent lack of support and loyalty of the family members. Which could have been 'managed', but now needs to be dealt with (and cutting them off is a way of dealing with it).

His mother didn't act like a mother to him this year: why reward her poor behaviour with a card...?  

BrassicWoman

elope. it'll be so much happier!

sassyblue

CookieMonster said:

gwynlas said:

Well you and your partner have created this situation by wanting a bling wedding with mature bridesmaids and flowergirls despite knowing how your sisters partner acts when drunk.  

That's tripe. The OP and his fiancee's actions shouldn't be affected/directed by the poor behaviour of others.

As for all the people kindly suggesting that they abandon their marriage plans - that's not dealing with the root cause, which is the poor behaviour and subsequent lack of support and loyalty of the family members. Which could have been 'managed', but now needs to be dealt with (and cutting them off is a way of dealing with it).

His mother didn't act like a mother to him this year: why reward her poor behaviour with a card...?  

Agree with you. Why should they cancel it all, they've planned their day and his family are being awful.

sometimes you have to take a stand and if not getting the mother a card for Mother’s Day makes his mother stop and think then it’s no bad thing. 

olgadapolga

pinkshoes said:

1. Yes, you should have sent your mum a mother's day card. She did bring you into this world after all.

I'm going to disagree with this comment. Mothers should be appreciated every day, not just on one day a year. The whole "Mothers' Day" thing has become commercialised rubbish.

Not forgetting of course, that some mothers are uncaring and abusive and actually don't deserve any appreciation.

It was up to the OP whether or not to send a card and in this instance, he chose not to. That was the OP's decision and he should not be made to feel guilty about it because someone else thinks that he should have sent a card.

burlingtonfl6

pinkshoes said:

1. Yes, you should have sent your mum a mother's day card. She did bring you into this world after all.

2. It's a wedding. Just cancel the whole thing, get everything refunded, and the two of you go and get married in private taking a couple of good friends as witnesses or even get two random people to be a witness. Trust me, you'll have WAY more fun that way!! And then the money you have saved can be spent on an amazing holiday when Covid finally does one!!

Come on, that won't make anyone on Instagram jealous

RetSol

You need to decide what you want to do and stick to it. But only you can do it. They won't change.
yes, there will be fall out but it sounds as if there will be fall out if th wedding goes ahead.
 Advise everyone the wedding is cancelled and leave it at that. Do not mention what you plan to do. Do not include them in arrangements.
Have  the wedding you want with those you want to share the day with.

The best advice on this thread so far.  There is nothing wrong with the OP and his fiancée wanting a big, family wedding but that plan has hit the rocks.  Better to acknowledge that and change course now.  This is the start of a new life for you both. Start it off on the right foot, own it and make it yours.