Divorce and share of wealth.

sassyblue

How long they were together pre-marriage could be a good argument for either side as this is a relatively short marriage, however the starting point in any divorce is 50/50.

He and his parents were very silly if they didn’t get a solicitor to draw something up regarding the £100k.  It was a huge amount of money to give to a couple.... do you know how many times family lawyers hear the sentence “it was only a gift to me”.  Similarly the comments about her not working, she was a parent and her contribution to the marriage is equal to that of the husband. 

His pensions may not need to be touched in the sense that he could give her a larger share of his savings. Employing Actuaries to value pensions and giving percentages away to spouses is costly, I would avoid that at all costs.  Only the years of the marriage will be relevant although another poster working in law disagrees with me on that, but she won’t be able to claim for years worth of capital if the pensions have been running long before marriage.

the reason for the break down of the marriage Is only relevant for the grounds on which the divorce is applied for. Going forward Judges will not be granting one spouse more than the other because one potentially had an affair, the financial split has to be seen to be fair to both spouses, his earning power is obviously better than hers but by the same token she will not be given a lump sum to sit on her bum for years to come.  

I would also advise him not to fight for custody of their child.  Unless he has extremely serious concerns about his wife's ability to care for their child (if he has I assume he has raised these with social services already?) it is unlikely he will win.  I'm sure he’s named as the father on the birth certificate so he has equal parental rights and it’s better to share the care of their child and work out the days and times he will have access. The amount of overnight stays their child has with him will also determine the amount of child maintenance payable but the government has an online calculator both parents can use to calculate that.

hope that helps, it’s a rough idea until he sees his lawyer. If they can they need to agree as much as possible, it’s fighting through lawyers that bumps their fees up.

MalMonroe

pelirocco said:

Looking after their child is work , and will continue to be work for many years to come  btw

And so is carrying another person in your body for a good nine months. Just saying.

MalMonroe

burlingtonfl6 said:

JamoLew said:

probably 50/50 (although the 100k gift from the parents "may" be in question)

he was happy to accept and support her lifestyle choice for 5-6 years and make sacrifices to raise their child

there's a lot of he and she in there - as a married couple it is THEIRS - savings, the house, the pension - the lot

I dont have much sympathy for "money grabbing" but this I see as her right

Not much of a sacrifice.....she wasn't doing anything
OP, tell him to brace for the worst because she will have the full weight of the system behind her.

And that is just how it should be!

strawb_shortcake

justworriedabit said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

gettingtheresometime said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

swingaloo2 said:

His moral character has no bearing on this nor does the fact that his wife is a 'cheat'. If she thought your friend was as nice and loving as you say then why did she cheat. Clearly to give up her life with this 'nice' man she must have been unhappy and no one, friends or family, actually know what happens inside a marriage. It does not matter who was right and who was wrong the divorce will still have to be fair to both sides.

You do know people cheat even though they have a loving a nice spouse, don't you? 

Yes that's true but no one really knows what goes on inside a marriage apart from the parties concerned.

The more I think about it what a clueless thing of the poster to state.
How much you love someone and how nice you are to them means nothing if they're going to cheat 

Thanks.
The bottom line is even his wife has not claimed any nastiness/etc by her husband hence the clear support from the wife's parents/family and the wife's best friend. It could not be a clearer case of a good husband being cheated on for no real, valid reason other than his wife seeing what sadly too many people see these days is that the grass is greener on the other side,

Is there ever a real and valid reason for cheating on someone? 
Whatever anyone else sees she had her reasons for cheating, perhaps she had post natal depression and she just wanted someone to pay her attention, or to see her as someone other than Mum?
I think you deleted a comment about her low paid but magnanimous parents taking his side and not talking to her at the moment along with her best friend, no doubt she's hurting too now and her support network has gone, assuming it was there to start with? Maybe that had something to do with it?
Or maybe she just wanted to give a family friend something else to talk about on the internet?

JamoLew

burlingtonfl6 said:

JamoLew said:

probably 50/50 (although the 100k gift from the parents "may" be in question)

he was happy to accept and support her lifestyle choice for 5-6 years and make sacrifices to raise their child

there's a lot of he and she in there - as a married couple it is THEIRS - savings, the house, the pension - the lot

I dont have much sympathy for "money grabbing" but this I see as her right

Not much of a sacrifice.....she wasn't doing anything
OP, tell him to brace for the worst because she will have the full weight of the system behind her.

I think you will find that a lot of (most) women and hopefully men would disagree with you.

Staying at home (being expected to) to raise children results in great sacrifices to careers

No - I'm not a woman, or a feminist, just a man who appreciates the sacrifices that my wife made to her life and career to raise our child

justworriedabit

sassyblue said:

How long they were together pre-marriage could be a good argument for either side as this is a relatively short marriage, however the starting point in any divorce is 50/50.

He and his parents were very silly if they didn’t get a solicitor to draw something up regarding the £100k.  It was a huge amount of money to give to a couple.... do you know how many times family lawyers hear the sentence “it was only a gift to me”.  Similarly the comments about her not working, she was a parent and her contribution to the marriage is equal to that of the husband. 

His pensions may not need to be touched in the sense that he could give her a larger share of his savings. Employing Actuaries to value pensions and giving percentages away to spouses is costly, I would avoid that at all costs.  Only the years of the marriage will be relevant although another poster working in law disagrees with me on that, but she won’t be able to claim for years worth of capital if the pensions have been running long before marriage.

the reason for the break down of the marriage Is only relevant for the grounds on which the divorce is applied for. Going forward Judges will not be granting one spouse more than the other because one potentially had an affair, the financial split has to be seen to be fair to both spouses, his earning power is obviously better than hers but by the same token she will not be given a lump sum to sit on her bum for years to come.  

I would also advise him not to fight for custody of their child.  Unless he has extremely serious concerns about his wife's ability to care for their child (if he has I assume he has raised these with social services already?) it is unlikely he will win.  I'm sure he’s named as the father on the birth certificate so he has equal parental rights and it’s better to share the care of their child and work out the days and times he will have access. The amount of overnight stays their child has with him will also determine the amount of child maintenance payable but the government has an online calculator both parents can use to calculate that.

hope that helps, it’s a rough idea until he sees his lawyer. If they can they need to agree as much as possible, it’s fighting through lawyers that bumps their fees up.

Many thanks. Several useful bits. Our friend is very very good and he still cares about his wife and has no issues re trusting her with their child but wants custody and will ask lawyer he sees next week. He is hoping to make a clean cut ie give her an amount to buy a house/flat near to where they live or where she wants to live and no come backs if at all possible. He will contribute fully towards his child we have no doubt about that. As for social services, they, we are thankfully not been or going that way and hope it stays like that. The only way it may become a "social services issue" is if the man moves in with her or she gets someone else that the childs dad/family wife's family has any concerns. He will go along with what the courts decide but like most wants concrete answers now in order to move on. I did not say this before, but I've been advised that this is not his wife's first affair. That IMO has turned the wifes parents, best friend against her. The only credit I can give to his wife is that she has not yet made any false, nasty, malicious claims about her husband. She had always been flirty, we know that and my husband said to me about a year ago that she was not one to settle down with a nice little family, nice home, secure future and I told my husband to shut up. Boy was I wrong. Thanks again.

68ComebackSpecial

I thought that the days of "The Scarlet Letter" were long in the past, but this thread would indicate I am, sadly, mistaken. 

MalMonroe

I can't believe all the talk about the money 'the man' received from his parents. That man decided to share it with his wife. Everything they have/had together will have to be divided equally. 

I have been through a divorce and I can tell you that it is about more than money and possessions. Especially when there's a child involved. There's depression, upset and heartbreak to think about.

Some years ago, my ex had an affair, we separated and then divorced. But I was no better off because he had precipitated the divorce. No blame was allowed to be allocated. Things were a tad acrimonious but we did try to split things fairly. I had custody of our child and my husband saw her regularly.

Your friend needs to discuss everything with a good divorce lawyer (I had three before I found a good one, so that's a job in itself!)  And hopefully he will be generous, as it sounds like he has plenty of money. Something I did come to realise but did not want to acknowledge was true during my relationship breakdown was that no-one who is in a happy marriage looks outside it for affairs or happiness. And that blame is never just a one-way thing. 

Oh, and I'd just like to say to all those who choose to criticise the wife here that women who stay at home to look after children, or study or whatever, DO actually work - and not just 9-5 either - it's more or less 24 hours, every day. No weekends off.

justworriedabit

Btw, the "break down of marriage" reason has been agreed in principal, again credit to the wife if I can put it like that. 
It is looking like it will be 'extramarital affair.' and left at that.

btw Sassysue, it is me saying she never worked and not my friend. He knows as well as I do that whoever stays at home and looks after the child can be hard work. Our friend would come home on time and bathe their baby and put the child to bed and would make every effort to take them out during the week pre-covid and weekends. My husband often said he'll burn himself out.
My husband is a bit like our friend and I've had chat up like most women and those with a brain will say no and steer clear of temptations but sadly too many women and men stray not because their marriage is bad in any way but they stray as they are nasty, deceitful people.

justworriedabit

MalMonroe said:

I can't believe all the talk about the money 'the man' received from his parents. That man decided to share it with his wife. Everything they have/had together will have to be divided equally. 

I

The reason why the money was given by the parents of our friend to their son was on the basis, just in case things went wrong as sadly they do in many relationships. Fair enought if it was ten/20 years afterwards but not just a couple of years down the road 

anyway the judges will decide and we all know our friend will have to accept the outcome through no fault of his own.