Would you feel offended by this?

maman

Bearing in mind what she said about the flowers, she sounds rather a tactless person but I wouldn't let this worry you. It would be difficult to take the husband without her and as  he's looking forward to it then I'd just let it lie if you don't need the refund at the moment. The favour is long in the past so cashing in and buying him something else seems a bit odd. 

Like others, I find the going halves on his birthday present really strange. I wouldn't dream of doing that for my DH. I've heard of families or colleagues chipping in for a big present  for a leaving do or retirement or a big anniversary rather than lots of bits but surely not for your own partner. 

SootySweep1

Hi
To be honest to me it sounds like she is worrying about money.
She's seen a jacket that she knows her partner would like but she can't afford it so she's trying to find a way to fund it.
If you are worrying about money then £120 a ticket will seen alot.
I do agree that her comments were tactless but you need to judge whether offence was meant in the context of your relationship with her and how she's behaved previously. I can a reference to flowers but I'm not sure what that means ?
Jen

Pollycat

SootySweep1 said:

Hi
To be honest to me it sounds like she is worrying about money.
She's seen a jacket that she knows her partner would like but she can't afford it so she's trying to find a way to fund it.
If you are worrying about money then £120 a ticket will seen alot.
I do agree that her comments were tactless but you need to judge whether offence was meant in the context of your relationship with her and how she's behaved previously. I can a reference to flowers but I'm not sure what that means ?
Jen

I think it means she's pretty ungrateful and lacking grace when being given gifts:

swingaloo2 said:

I know he is massively looking forward to it but she is a bit of a strange one so I suppose I should let it go over my head.  It did happen once before when she had one of the 'Big' birthdays and we bought her a bouquet of fowers.  We took them to her and she already had a bunch given to her from a lady she worked with and also a bouquet from her son. As we were leaving the house she  said 'I hope nobody else turns up with bloody flowers, I dont even like them that much, I prefer plants' so  I dont suppose I should be surprised.

I don't see why she should be worry about the £240 spent on tickets as it hasn't come out of her pocket.

Gloria_Steeth

@swingaloo2
Although your friend's bluntness was hurtful, it's probably better to know that she's not as 'over the moon' about this concert as you thought. It would spoil the event for the rest of you if she's sitting there with a miserable face muttering "not worth it" and you would resent having wasted £120 on her ticket.
 Annoying as it is, I would overlook her rudeness (yet again!) and confirm if she'd prefer you to get a refund for her ticket and give her the cash instead, which she could then use for her partner's birthday jacket (which, by amazing coincidence, costs exactly the same as the concert ticket...!!). In a roundabout way, he would then be getting the full amount of your kind gift to them (i.e. his concert ticket plus new jacket).

swingaloo2

Gloria_Steeth said:

@swingaloo2
Although your friend's bluntness was hurtful, it's probably better to know that she's not as 'over the moon' about this concert as you thought. It would spoil the event for the rest of you if she's sitting there with a miserable face muttering "not worth it" and you would resent having wasted £120 on her ticket.
 Annoying as it is, I would overlook her rudeness (yet again!) and confirm if she'd prefer you to get a refund for her ticket and give her the cash instead, which she could then use for her partner's birthday jacket (which, by amazing coincidence, costs exactly the same as the concert ticket...!!). In a roundabout way, he would then be getting the full amount of your kind gift to them (i.e. his concert ticket plus new jacket).

There is no mention of a refund being on the cards, the concert has been rescheduled and so will still be happening. Her hubby is really looking forward to going and wouldnt me to even try for a refund. 
As I said before she has strange way with her sometimes. For instance if the 4 of us are going out somewhere (obviously pre lockdown) you can guarantee that a day or so before she will start saying she isnt coming and its as if she wants to be talked into it. The same thing when we go away for a weekend which we do a couple of times a year, we will discuss it and choose where to go then just as we are about to book she will say that 'she doesnt think she can get that time off work' and we go through the ritual of waiting a couple of days till she tells us that she 'has managed it'.  Its got to the stage now where as soon as she says 'I wont be able to come' her other half just says 'Ok, dont come, we can still go without you' which causes a day or so of  her stropping. She seems to have a need to be talked round and then behaves as if she is doing us all a favour. 
They are  different to us in that we are very much a 'share' pair whilst they are a 'whats his is his' and 'whats hers is hers' and she pays him 'housekeeping money' from her wage as she came to live with him (although thats 12 years ago). Consequently I know she does not have a lot of spare cash which is probably why she wants to go halves at his birthday present as its a 50th birthday.
Im pretty used to her now but just sometimes I feel I need to bite my tongue.

MalMonroe

swingaloo2 said:

Gloria_Steeth said:

@swingaloo2
Although your friend's bluntness was hurtful, it's probably better to know that she's not as 'over the moon' about this concert as you thought. It would spoil the event for the rest of you if she's sitting there with a miserable face muttering "not worth it" and you would resent having wasted £120 on her ticket.
 Annoying as it is, I would overlook her rudeness (yet again!) and confirm if she'd prefer you to get a refund for her ticket and give her the cash instead, which she could then use for her partner's birthday jacket (which, by amazing coincidence, costs exactly the same as the concert ticket...!!). In a roundabout way, he would then be getting the full amount of your kind gift to them (i.e. his concert ticket plus new jacket).

There is no mention of a refund being on the cards, the concert has been rescheduled and so will still be happening. Her hubby is really looking forward to going and wouldnt me to even try for a refund. 
As I said before she has strange way with her sometimes. For instance if the 4 of us are going out somewhere (obviously pre lockdown) you can guarantee that a day or so before she will start saying she isnt coming and its as if she wants to be talked into it. The same thing when we go away for a weekend which we do a couple of times a year, we will discuss it and choose where to go then just as we are about to book she will say that 'she doesnt think she can get that time off work' and we go through the ritual of waiting a couple of days till she tells us that she 'has managed it'.  Its got to the stage now where as soon as she says 'I wont be able to come' her other half just says 'Ok, dont come, we can still go without you' which causes a day or so of  her stropping. She seems to have a need to be talked round and then behaves as if she is doing us all a favour. 
They are  different to us in that we are very much a 'share' pair whilst they are a 'whats his is his' and 'whats hers is hers' and she pays him 'housekeeping money' from her wage as she came to live with him (although thats 12 years ago). Consequently I know she does not have a lot of spare cash which is probably why she wants to go halves at his birthday present as its a 50th birthday.
Im pretty used to her now but just sometimes I feel I need to bite my tongue.

This woman is blunt beyond the point of rudeness but you do not have to be friends with this couple. He seems to be stuck with her but you aren't. You're not stuck with him either. If you don't like the way they act or the way they are, make new friends. I know it's difficult these days but really, you are under no obligation whatsoever to try to remain good pals. You can have them as acquaintances and not spend any money on either of them. I'd have to tell them both that you aren't in a position any longer to exchange gifts. Why bother when you feel such resentment? Friendships are supposed to make you feel good. 

The problem with the concert tickets is that things ARE dragging on now and she's probably fed up with waiting for it to be rearranged and feels that if you could recoup the cost, it'd be better all round. They wouldn't feel beholden (it IS a lot of money to most people) and hopefully you wouldn't feel slighted or resentful. If you want to do nice things for people, whoever they are, you shouldn't feel bad. You don't have to accept bad behaviour from anybody, either, you can walk away any time you like. You're not even related.

Sadly, it seems that she does not want to spend time with the two of you. Maybe it's time you stopped biting your tongue and said what you feel. Friendships such as this are not friendships as I know them. And she's been foisted onto you. You even criticise what kind of couple they are - which is nobody else's business. It's really time to break those ties. They are not helping anybody.

maman

She's obviously a bit of a Drama Queen but it's your choice whether you want to maintain the friendship. Perhaps they have good points as well as the irritating, tactless ones you've posted. 🤔

HampshireH

Gloria_Steeth said:

@swingaloo2
Although your friend's bluntness was hurtful, it's probably better to know that she's not as 'over the moon' about this concert as you thought. It would spoil the event for the rest of you if she's sitting there with a miserable face muttering "not worth it" and you would resent having wasted £120 on her ticket.
 Annoying as it is, I would overlook her rudeness (yet again!) and confirm if she'd prefer you to get a refund for her ticket and give her the cash instead, which she could then use for her partner's birthday jacket (which, by amazing coincidence, costs exactly the same as the concert ticket...!!). In a roundabout way, he would then be getting the full amount of your kind gift to them (i.e. his concert ticket plus new jacket).

I would absolutely not do this. Free cash to a rude person.

If she only got a ticket because she would have to go, the gift was for him.... The wife is just a necessary add on as harsh as that's sounds.

Why should the wife be given cash instead? 

Pollycat

HampshireH said:

Gloria_Steeth said:

@swingaloo2
Although your friend's bluntness was hurtful, it's probably better to know that she's not as 'over the moon' about this concert as you thought. It would spoil the event for the rest of you if she's sitting there with a miserable face muttering "not worth it" and you would resent having wasted £120 on her ticket.
 Annoying as it is, I would overlook her rudeness (yet again!) and confirm if she'd prefer you to get a refund for her ticket and give her the cash instead, which she could then use for her partner's birthday jacket (which, by amazing coincidence, costs exactly the same as the concert ticket...!!). In a roundabout way, he would then be getting the full amount of your kind gift to them (i.e. his concert ticket plus new jacket).

I would absolutely not do this. Free cash to a rude person.

If she only got a ticket because she would have to go, the gift was for him.... The wife is just a necessary add on as harsh as that's sounds.

Why should the wife be given cash instead? 

I thought that too.

But the OP said the tickets were given as a Christmas present.

Maybe the friend feels the money from the refunded ticket should be hers as it was a gift.

Maybe the OP could say how much they usually spend on Christmas gifts for this couple - they only spend £10 for birthdays.

swingaloo2

To be fair he is a really good, long term friend and there is no way we would want to cut ties with him.  If they were to part, which they did for a couple of months about 3 years ago then we would probably not keep in contact with her but as they are a couple we wouldnt have dreamed of paying to take him to the concert without  her.
Im not criticising the kind of couple they are as MalMonroe suggests, I was just trying to explain why she may have decided to try to go halves at his birthday present as I know she does not have much spare cash to call her own. How they choose to live and behave is entirely up to them as a couple. He has been a great friend for 25 years or so and hopefully willl always be, no matter how much tongue biting it takes on my part.