Husbands affair / moving back in etc

izawa

swingaloo2 said:

izawa said:

Your husband had an affair, you want to teach him a lesson then do this - Gather all your evidence and post on your facebook and tag him. Make sure you do when he's asleep so more people see it. Win win situation.

On a scale of 1 to 10 of stupid suggestions that must be an 11. Helps no-one.

It certainly puts the cheater husband to shame.

swingaloo2

And how will that help the OP as putting him to shame is not what she wants to do.  I think anyone who takes the step to post their dirty washing on Facebook  is shaming themselves more. Totally stupid thing to do.

izawa

It may not help the OP but will certainly tarnish cheater. Punish the cheater.

74jax

izawa said:

It may not help the OP but will certainly tarnish cheater. Punish the cheater.

Surely that's why we are posting TO HELP THE OP. 
It's her choice she doesn't want to shame him. She doesn't want to shame him. She wants to forgive. 

Pollycat

izawa said:

swingaloo2 said:

izawa said:

Your husband had an affair, you want to teach him a lesson then do this - Gather all your evidence and post on your facebook and tag him. Make sure you do when he's asleep so more people see it. Win win situation.

On a scale of 1 to 10 of stupid suggestions that must be an 11. Helps no-one.

It certainly puts the cheater husband to shame.

Social media revenge would also put the wife to shame too.

If any friend of mine did what you are suggesting I would distance myself from them as I would not wish to be connected in any way to someone so vindictive.

And there's a 14 year old involved in this specific case too.

How does your suggestion help her?

I've said up-thread that I'd tell her what her Dad has done/is doing but that is very different to washing your dirty linen in public.

kimwp

I heard this yesterday, but didn't understand it until I started reading this thread...

Love is not something you feel, but something you do

If he knows he is causing you pain and uncertainty and not doing everything in his power to address that, then is it not game over?

groovy_chick

I think that is the whole point - the OP doesn't want it to be game-over and was asking for advice on how best to move forward.

Whilst I can speak from experience of being cheated on and lied to, I can't tell you what it's like to put it behind you and try again, because my ex picked the other woman over me and never gave me the choice.  I do know, however, that all I wanted back then was for him to pick me, and I was willing to forgive him just to keep my family together.

It's very easy for us to advise you that it might end in tears and you might live to regret it, but I understand why you want to give it a go.  

I think the best advice you have had is to get him into relationship counselling.  What I hope this will help you to do, because this is VERY important, is for you to set boundaries for your marriage so that he knows what it means to respect you and your family unit.

 

Pollycat

groovy_chick said:

I think that is the whole point - the OP doesn't want it to be game-over and was asking for advice on how best to move forward.

Whilst I can speak from experience of being cheated on and lied to, I can't tell you what it's like to put it behind you and try again, because my ex picked the other woman over me and never gave me the choice.  I do know, however, that all I wanted back then was for him to pick me, and I was willing to forgive him just to keep my family together.

It's very easy for us to advise you that it might end in tears and you might live to regret it, but I understand why you want to give it a go.  

I think the best advice you have had is to get him into relationship counselling.  What I hope this will help you to do, because this is VERY important, is for you to set boundaries for your marriage so that he knows what it means to respect you and your family unit.

 

Saying you are willing to forgive him is much, much easier to say than to do.

Believe me, it is.

I've tried it.

As I said up-thread:

Pollycat said:

I forgave my ex for having an affair (that's not why he's my ex) but I suspected nothing.

He didn't lie to me.

Your circumstances are different - he lied to you that there wasn't someone else.

You'll never know if/when he is lying to you.

You've said it yourself:

Crazysquirrel said:

( I don't believe it as I just don't believe much he says now). 

If you are determined to take him back do not underestimate how hard it is not to be suspicious when he's late home etc.

kimwp

groovy_chick said:

I think that is the whole point - the OP doesn't want it to be game-over and was asking for advice on how best to move forward.

Right, but my point is that for a relationship to survive, it takes two people trying to make it survive and doing their best not to hurt each other. I'm not talking about the past hurt - mistakes are made - I'm talking about the current hurt that he is inflicting.

5yearsfree

Im so sorry to read that you are having trouble in your relationship, you are not alone I think statically most couples will find themselves feeling or being betrayed at some degree within our relationships.
Im probably going to get slaughtered by the fourm, please bear in mind im currently within my own recent separation because of betrayal. so if your opined differs be kind its only an opinion.  

How to move forward OP is to change your mindset, this is your issue not his, That marriage ended the day you found out and he moved out, so you two choices start a whole new relationship the relationship that you both want with your husband, or end in and go your own separate ways.
There is fault on both sides of a marriage when it breaks down, it doesn't excuse the shi **y thing that he has done to you, but he was already feeling something was not right within your relationship to go looking elsewhere its a communication issue between you both.

You cannot right that ship, let yourself grieve for that marriage an then spend sometime finding yourself, the woman you used to be before the husband and the kids, ( The place im currently in) have your hair cut, buy some new make-up/outfit, reconnect with old and new friends or hobbies, find yourself again.
And while your working you out, maybe your husband can start courting you again, let him take you out, romance you and show you how much he wants to be married to you, put all the cards on the table you may find in time that actually you have moved on from him but your know that you have both done everything you can to reconnect and be able to let go from a better place which will help moving forwards. 

As for the interference from the other woman block her on social media and pay her no heed, that's her own insecurity's lashing out your husband has rejected her for you, so pity her because she has put her self-worth and in the hands of another, nobody will ever find happiness as long as they need someone else to provide it, its like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in it, it will never be enough. 
Good luck this is the start of something new and exciting regardless of the outcome, change is good, its better then current place your in