Husbands affair / moving back in etc

Pollycat

Crazysquirrel said:

Thanks everyone.
MovingForwards- I don't have a previous forum name ( I literally just joined) so I'm not sure what it is you want me to read? 
Re the woman contacting my daughter. My daughter didn't tell her anything. Yes I provided my email address and phone number but she never contacted me. She also deleted the messages she sent my daughter!  I think it was to make me aware what had happened as she probably somehow found out about me. I think the reason she hasn't posted photos of them together is that its not really acceptable to date in her culture. Posting photos of yourself with a man unless he is your husband isn't OK. 
So the plan is for him to move back in the next couple of months and for us to live as husband and wife so yes, in the same bed. We both want it to be a fresh start so I see no reason to make it difficult once he is back. I believe all should be forgiven and we should make the effort to live the life we both want. I know there are no guarantees it will work but I do feel I would regret it more if we didn't try.  I just can't get past how he can prove he is more trustworthy. He could say anything as we call can and it may or may not be true. That's the difficult bit! Being apart has made me realise I am more capable than I thought. I've managed OK and I am proud of that.

Be prepared for it to eat away at you.

swingaloo2

My thought is that you arre making it much too easy for him and almost condoning his behaviour.  You seem to need to justify his behaviour and are also making excuses for hers. You dont seem to have taken onboard anything which has been said but I wish you luck and hope it works out for you. 

MovingForwards

Then I apologise for thinking you're someone else with the same background.

Don't let him move back in. Carry on with your life, maybe start dating him if you really honestly want to be with him, and in a few years consider living together, same as with any relationship.

He's demonstrating nothing about wanting you back. It's only come about as his bit in the side became known. Had he been open from the start, it would have been different and something may have been salvaged.

You may forgive him, but it will eat away at you, your confidence will keep dropping and thoughts will always pop into your head. It's not nice.

74jax

Crazysquirrel said:

So the plan is for him to move back in the next couple of months and for us to live as husband and wife so yes, in the same bed. We both want it to be a fresh start so I see no reason to make it difficult once he is back. I believe all should be forgiven and we should make the effort to live the life we both want. I know there are no guarantees it will work but I do feel I would regret it more if we didn't try.  .

So he is moving back in and you are just going to live as husband and wife.  And he told you not to tell your family what happened so nobody knows and are still buying you happy anniversary cards as though nothing has happened.  
It comes across as very much 'brush it under the carpet'.  Does it read that way to you at all when you read the comments on here or do you see it differently?
Again, it's the third time I've said it now and I'll say it once more and then leave it there as I feel you've made your mind up but :
- Think about what he is doing now, daily, to get your forgiveness, to get your trust back> I'm hoping begging, pleading, full of sorrow and saying everything he can to make you want him back.
- You say you'll regret it if you don't try, but he was happy to have the regret of hurting you, having sex with someone else, lying about it, you both need to be on the same page - is he doing everything he can to convince you he is?
- I really wouldn't have him back in your house without giving it a go first, how can you work things out with your daughter in the same house.  He could rent somewhere and be your bubble.  Only when YOU are happy does he move back in.
- Counselling.
- Get him checked for STI's before he sets foot in your bedroom.

I'm out now, but good luck whatever happens.

Crazysquirrel

Thanks everyone. I am listening to everyone's point of view and I really do see why the comments / advice is what it is. However when I first posted, I explained that I have decided not to leave him. I'm not trying to decide whether to break up or not, more about how to move forward in the best way. 
He is already renting somewhere now so no reason for him to move from there, he could extend the tenancy if he wanted. We already do see each other 2-3 times a week and text or call every day. We don't argue, he compliments the way I look, tells me I am doing well at work and raising our daughter and says he now appreciates me more. He is willing to go to counselling. 
Maybe I didn't make it clear about the family thing. He didn't tell me not to tell them. What he meant was that we may be living separately but we are still married and just working on our issues.  Both our families know he moved out. I've chosen not to tell them he had an affair because I think it would hurt them and also change the way they see him and possibly create a new problem. As for the other woman. I don't like that she has been with my husband obviously but I have the feeling she has / will be hurt by this too. From the message she sent me, I don't think she knew we were still married and I honestly believe he played her too. 
MovingForwards, you say he is not demonstrating anything about wanting me back. What he is saying hasn't changed since he moved out / I found out about the affair. He has always said he wants to come back and he never suggested divorce or anything. 

Savvy_Sue

He says he's willing to go to counselling: I'd definitely want that to start before he moves back in. Oh, that and the STI screening - which you both need, so if he's reluctant you can go on your own, unless you KNOW you haven't slept together since he slept with her. I'd gauge how sincere he is about your marriage by his response to that, I think. 

 It's (relatively) easy to say the right things to you, because I'm guessing he knows what you want to hear. Faced with a counsellor who asks you questions and asks him questions which neither of you may wish to answer, it may be a different situation. Relate are offering remote counselling: if he turns out not to be so keen, you can go on your own and try to explore what he'd need to do to 'prove' you can trust him. 

I was struck by one of the previous posts where the chap never went anywhere on his own again, so he couldn't cheat. Not sure I could live like that: I'd always be wondering what he'd get up to if he WAS on his own, and whether the only reason he wasn't up to anything was because he didn't have the chance. I want my DH to be faithful to me, because he wants and chooses to be faithful, not because he never gets the chance to play away! 

swingaloo2

Everything you write screams out that you are justifying everything he says and does. Added to that none of the family know anything about it, again covering for him. I suspect he is a very smooth talker and has conditioned you to see him as a man who has made a 'mistake' and wants nothing more than to go back to as it was before. What does your child think of the fact that dad had a girlfriend or have you covered up for him again there?
Your last sentence 'He has always said he wants to come back and he never suggested divorce or anything' says it all. Of course he hasnt mentioned it, its called leaving the door open. If he really did want to come back and had no thoughts of divorce as he was leaving then why did he go? Not for the reason he gave you was it, it was for a grass is greener lifestyle with a new girlfriend.
Ask yourself this- If the other woman had not found out he was still married to you would it still be going on or would he be worming his way back, she probably dumped him.
I suspect that nothing anyone says will take the rose tinted glasses from you but from experience I can tell you that even though you think you have come to terms with his betrayal there will be dozens of times you realise that  that is far from so.

Crazysquirrel

I haven't told our daughter, I think kids should be protected from certain adult things. I can't see anything positive coming from me telling her. 
I definitely don't want to be covering for him or condoning his actions, what he did was wrong for sure.  However, living in limbo can't continue forever. Its not making anyone happy. Either I dump him or try to make it work which I believe includes forgiveness. Allowing him back but giving him a hard time seems pointless. I either work on our marriage and trust that he will do the same or its already set to fail. The fact that a counselor will mean we have to talk about stuff is appealing. My husband has never been one for talking much about anything. I'd also like them to suggest ways to build trust so that's good too. I know 100% he won't go for an STI test. He would probably say there is no point because he hasn't slept with anyone! To be fair I can't prove that he has ( although I'm fairly sure common sense says he did). Looking at the wider picture. Even if I left him, I couldn't be 100% sure a new partner would be faithful. Anyone in a relationship could be cheated on. Some people find out but some don't. Some people have a one night stand and never do it again and some have an entire secret family hidden away. My husband was wrong and I accept he lied and cheated. Its hurtful to know he could do that. However he has many good traits. 

strawb_shortcake

You mention the other woman's culture, is that similar to yours or your Husband's? Could there be any negativity by your families if you were to divorce?
One of my parents had an affair after over 40 years of marriage, they'd both had opportunities to cheat previously but never wanted or needed too. My parents marriage is now as strong as it ever was but it's not been easy to get back to that, but the hurt of that affair hasn't gone away and it's not always a bed of roses.
One of my concerns in your position it what message are you giving your daughter by accepting him back so easily 

swingaloo2

Sorry Crazysquirrel but I thought that your daughter already knew from what you said in your first post. Of course if she doesnt then I agree completely that she should not be involved.
Just one thing (and Im sorry if you think Im being picky here) but you have just written this -    
I know 100% he won't go for an STI test. He would probably say there is no point because he hasn't slept with anyone! To be fair I can't prove that he has ( although I'm fairly sure common sense says he did). 
Please dont allow him back into your bed till he has agreed to have a test, he should do it willingly. You know deep down that he will have slept with her and if he wants to make a fresh start with you then that should include him being honest with you now, admitting what he has done and reassuring you that your health is not at risk by having a test.
If he continues to insist he didnt sleep with her then your second chance of getting your marriage back on track is still based on dishonesty.  For him to say there is no point completely misses the point.  It's not about him, its about proving to you that you are not at risk and I would be very wary of putting trust in a man who still cant be honest. Even if on the off chance he did not sleep with her then he should still be willing to take the test to put your mind at rest.  He does not have the right to bury his head in the sand at your expense.