Husbands affair / moving back in etc

Pollycat

sevenhills said:

How old is this child, was it done in a friendly way perhaps, to find out information, because she didnt trust what she was being told?

I can't quite equate friending/following on social media a child of the man you are having/have been having an affair with in a 'friendly way'.

Doodles

I would suggest you go to counselling together.

I understand you say you are willing to forgive and made peace with it, but I do wonder if you have done that too quickly.  Making peace with something is often a long process.  Your husband is a liar, and was hoping for you to not find out about this other woman in case it didn't work out and he could then sneak his way back to you.  You are worth much more than being someone's back up option. 

Whilst I don't necessarily subscribe to the 'once a cheater, always a cheater' I believe that once infidelity has taken place, it causes an enormous hole in the relationship that causes rows and fears as the months and years go on.  Some couples do get through it, but its hard and needs both of you to work at it and regain the respect.

The question is, you sound willing but is he?

MovingForwards

I suggest you re-read everything people posted under your previous forum name, then walk away from your husband as you're his back up plan.

Crazysquirrel

The fact this woman contacted my daughter who is 14 and referred to my husband as her ex, makes me believe she somehow found out that he wasn't divorced or he broke it off with her and feeling hard done by decided that I should know and messaging my daughter was the only way for her to reach me. This was back in September time. I know they have met and spoken via phone since then. My gut instinct is he is lying to her and telling her I'm no longer in the picture and that's why they rekindled things. Its sort of a holiday / long distance relationship. Honestly its pathetic. I don't think my husband really thought through the possible fallout. I think he thought it was the perfect way to get some fun and keep it secret and come back like nothing happened. 
Its some small consolation that she is in another country and not in the same office for example so hopefully easier to avoid and move on from if he does come back. However rebuilding trust will be hard. When he left he changed his mind several times about whether to go or not. I'm not certain that he is certain enough about returning. A crying phone call from the woman might make him backtrack? I do know I can't live like this indefinitely. I suppose what I need now is some reassurance that he is going to drop her and come back and live the good life he is talking about. How to get that reassurance whilst not living together is the hard part. He could be doing anything when I'm not there. 

Pollycat

Crazysquirrel said:

The fact this woman contacted my daughter who is 14 and referred to my husband as her ex, makes me believe she somehow found out that he wasn't divorced or he broke it off with her and feeling hard done by decided that I should know and messaging my daughter was the only way for her to reach me.

I hope you've given your daughter the loud-and-clear message that accepting friend/follower requests from random strangers is really not a good idea.

But you said up-thread that although you gave this woman your own contact details, she never got in touch with you.

Does that mean she got all the information she wanted out of your daughter?

Crazysquirrel said:

I suppose what I need now is some reassurance that he is going to drop her and come back and live the good life he is talking about. How to get that reassurance whilst not living together is the hard part. He could be doing anything when I'm not there. 

Of course he could be doing anything.

Even if you allow him back into your life, there's no guarantee that he'll stop doing anything when he's back living with you.

He can give you any amount of reassurance.

Your problem is whether to believe those reassurances (which I'm sure will be oh-so-convincing and heartfelt and maybe even involve tears of (possibly false) remorse.

74jax

Is his plan to move back BEFORE he has earned your trust, proved himself to you?  So he's just leaving there and moving back in?  
Surely he's renting now, let him rent here and earn your trust/respect etc. 
You still haven't said what it is he is doing now to show you he is wanting to apologies etc (other than saying it), all it seems is he wants to come back, move in and it will be happy families going forward.  Surely he needs to show that first?
Where does he plan on sleeping?  the spare room, sofa etc, I'm guessing he's not hopping from her bed to yours.  It just seems all his way and no effort on his part.

burlingtonfl6

Cheaters don't change.
Leave him and find someone who wants only you.

Mojisola

If your daughter was an adult and her husband had done this to her, what would your advice to her be?  Sometimes it's easier to see what feels right if you can step back and look at it from a different viewpoint.

Your daughter will learn from what you do - what message do you want her to take away from your decision in relation to her relationships in the future?

As you can contact his other woman, have you thought about asking her what he saying to her?

swingaloo2

Having read through the thread again I feel that he has played you both, especially you. When he left he got you to keep the door open with vague promises of coming back, he 'Made it clear his hope was that we would get back together' which was probably designed to convince you that he didnt really want to go and garnering sympathy for what he was doing. At the same time as this he told you that there was no-one else whilst all the time he was seeing someone.  So an outright lie at the same time as telling you he hoped to stay married. 
Then he tells you that she is some crazy woman who got the wrong idea. Why then would he buy her a necklace. Another thing that strikes me is that the picture you saw only had his hand on view. Why was that, if she thought he was free and single why not have a photo together rather than with him cut off.
Then the message when she contacted your daughter, why say she 'had proof'. If she thought he was a divorced man with a child why not say 'Im your dads girlfriend'.  There is no need for her to contact your daughter unless its for some kind of revenge reason. 
I very much think that his 'cake and eating it' has come to an end so he wants the security of his marriage back. 
One of the reasons I let my husband stay when his affair was discovered was my son. I wanted him to have 2 parents and not have a weekend dad. I also was afraid of the future and didnt really feel strong enough to manage alone at the time but if I had done what I should have done at the time I wouldnt have wasted years with a man who had let me down so badly.
You have already had a period on your own and are managing. Ask yourself why you want him back because at the moment it seems to be about wanting the life he is promising you. Those promises may mean nothing when the next opportunity to have 'some space and find himself' comes along.

Crazysquirrel

Thanks everyone.
MovingForwards- I don't have a previous forum name ( I literally just joined) so I'm not sure what it is you want me to read? 
Re the woman contacting my daughter. My daughter didn't tell her anything. Yes I provided my email address and phone number but she never contacted me. She also deleted the messages she sent my daughter!  I think it was to make me aware what had happened as she probably somehow found out about me. I think the reason she hasn't posted photos of them together is that its not really acceptable to date in her culture. Posting photos of yourself with a man unless he is your husband isn't OK. 
So the plan is for him to move back in the next couple of months and for us to live as husband and wife so yes, in the same bed. We both want it to be a fresh start so I see no reason to make it difficult once he is back. I believe all should be forgiven and we should make the effort to live the life we both want. I know there are no guarantees it will work but I do feel I would regret it more if we didn't try.  I just can't get past how he can prove he is more trustworthy. He could say anything as we call can and it may or may not be true. That's the difficult bit! Being apart has made me realise I am more capable than I thought. I've managed OK and I am proud of that.