Husbands affair / moving back in etc

74jax

Crazysquirrel said:

I haven't told our daughter, I think kids should be protected from certain adult things. I can't see anything positive coming from me telling her. 
I definitely don't want to be covering for him or condoning his actions, what he did was wrong for sure.  However, living in limbo can't continue forever. Its not making anyone happy. Either I dump him or try to make it work which I believe includes forgiveness. Allowing him back but giving him a hard time seems pointless. I either work on our marriage and trust that he will do the same or its already set to fail. The fact that a counselor will mean we have to talk about stuff is appealing. My husband has never been one for talking much about anything. I'd also like them to suggest ways to build trust so that's good too. I know 100% he won't go for an STI test. He would probably say there is no point because he hasn't slept with anyone! However he has many good traits. 

In which case WHOA! Who on earth does the selfish sod think he is! 
It's YOUR health for goodness sake, it's not about him anymore, he brought YOU into this situation. By all means have a fresh start which includes a health check. The ramifications if he doesn't are enormous.... 
He should be jumping through hoops for you, if he says he didn't sleep with her then fine, he knows it will come back clear. The fact is, you then know for certain when you both get the all clear it's true. Him just saying it is pathetic. He either wants you back or he doesn't. Seriously an sti test after an affair is the smallest thing he can do.
I don't know how you can even hold a conversation with someone who not only doesn't value you as a wife but also doesn't value you wanting to protect your health. 

suejb2

Right I’m calling it. Five pages in and OP is tripping up on details already given. 

74jax

suejb2 said:

Right I’m calling it. Five pages in and OP is tripping up on details already given. 

I thought it was just me..... I said I was out, but it was whole sti thing I had to come back for. 
It's her actual HEALTH and husband would say no....... After what he did..... Really....?
I had to post again in case anyone else is reading and in a similar situation. You can't take risks with your health, and if it is a windup it needs pointing out. 

Pollycat

If he loves you, he would do anything to make things right with you.
That includes having a STI test.
If he won't do that for you, what does it tell you?
Really. What does it tell you?

Pollycat

What doesn't add up to me is these comments from different posts by the OP:

Crazysquirrel said:

A few months after him moving out my daughter received a message on social media from someone claiming that she was my husbands ex love and that she had proof. I messaged back telling her not to involve a child and gave her my email address and phone number so she could discuss with me but heard nothing more.

Crazysquirrel said:

This woman found my daughter via her dads Instagram and asked to follow her. I'm glad she did as I'd rather know. I really don't want her brought into this again, it was really unfair. I've maintained my cool as far as my husband being a dad is concerned. I've not told my daughter he has cheated and I've not said anything bad about him. 

Crazysquirrel said:

The fact this woman contacted my daughter who is 14 and referred to my husband as her ex, makes me believe she somehow found out that he wasn't divorced or he broke it off with her and feeling hard done by decided that I should know and messaging my daughter was the only way for her to reach me.

Crazysquirrel said:

I haven't told our daughter, I think kids should be protected from certain adult things. I can't see anything positive coming from me telling her. 

So a random stranger messages a 14 year old and tells her she is her Dad's ex-love.

And the OP has then posted that her daughter doesn't know her Dad is an adulterer.

I'd guess that most 14 year old could work it out without being told.

74jax

Pollycat said:

What doesn't add up to me is these comments from different posts by the OP:

Crazysquirrel said:

A few months after him moving out my daughter received a message on social media from someone claiming that she was my husbands ex love and that she had proof. I messaged back telling her not to involve a child and gave her my email address and phone number so she could discuss with me but heard nothing more.

Crazysquirrel said:

This woman found my daughter via her dads Instagram and asked to follow her. I'm glad she did as I'd rather know. I really don't want her brought into this again, it was really unfair. I've maintained my cool as far as my husband being a dad is concerned. I've not told my daughter he has cheated and I've not said anything bad about him. 

Crazysquirrel said:

The fact this woman contacted my daughter who is 14 and referred to my husband as her ex, makes me believe she somehow found out that he wasn't divorced or he broke it off with her and feeling hard done by decided that I should know and messaging my daughter was the only way for her to reach me.

Crazysquirrel said:

I haven't told our daughter, I think kids should be protected from certain adult things. I can't see anything positive coming from me telling her. 

So a random stranger messages a 14 year old and tells her she is her Dad's ex-love.

And the OP has then posted that her daughter doesn't know her Dad is an adulterer.

I'd guess that most 14 year old could work it out without being told.

My guess is the 14yr old and her friends know the girlfriend's name, family, where she lives, what job she has and how long it's been going on.
My daughter at uni told me of her roommate who found out her dad had been seeing someone else. The mum suspected it but the dad denied. Her friend found an image of her dad as a reflection on the TV in the house of the woman her mum thought was seeing her dad. The skills kids have nowadays, I'm surprised MF5 aren't looking for recruits from them. 

Pollycat

74jax said:

My guess is the 14yr old and her friends know the girlfriend's name, family, where she lives, what job she has and how long it's been going on.
My daughter at uni told me of her roommate who found out her dad had been seeing someone else. The mum suspected it but the dad denied. Her friend found an image of her dad as a reflection on the TV in the house of the woman her mum thought was seeing her dad. The skills kids have nowadays, I'm surprised MF5 aren't looking for recruits from them. 

You can apply to join MI5

https://www.mi5.gov.uk/careers/applying-for-jobs

(I recently binge-watched all 10 series of Spooks and was interested enough to Google lots of things - blame the lockdown)

I too would be very surprised if the OP's 14 year old daughter wasn't aware of what her Dad has been up to.

In the interests of open-ness, I would be telling my daughter the truth.

ripplyuk

Crazysquirrel said:

Even if I left him, I couldn't be 100% sure a new partner would be faithful. 

But you know with 100% certainty that your current partner is unfaithful. You can’t get worse odds than that. 

Regarding the STI check. If he refuses I don’t think you should let him anywhere near you but also keep in mind that these checks can only detect some STI’s, not all. Some can only be diagnosed when there are obvious, clinical signs. Some can be spread from asymptomatic carriers (meaning you might end up with symptoms while your partner seems fine). If you have sex with a cheat, there’s no sure way to know what you’re going to catch. 

izawa

Your husband had an affair, you want to teach him a lesson then do this - Gather all your evidence and post on your facebook and tag him. Make sure you do when he's asleep so more people see it. Win win situation.

swingaloo2

izawa said:

Your husband had an affair, you want to teach him a lesson then do this - Gather all your evidence and post on your facebook and tag him. Make sure you do when he's asleep so more people see it. Win win situation.

On a scale of 1 to 10 of stupid suggestions that must be an 11. Helps no-one.