Husbands affair / moving back in etc

Crazysquirrel

I'd appreciate any comments, views or suggestions on this. I feel very confused! My husband moved out last year because he said he was generally unhappy in our marriage but made it clear his hope was we would get back together. He told me there was nobody else and I believed it. A few months after him moving out my daughter received a message on social media from someone claiming that she was my husbands ex love and that she had proof. I messaged back telling her not to involve a child and gave her my email address and phone number so she could discuss with me but heard nothing more. This woman lives abroad near where my husbands mum is. I asked my husband and he said she was some crazy person who he had only seen a couple of times and she got the wrong idea....  fast forward again and I see a photo on the social media page of the woman. Not very slick as in the corner of the photo I see my husbands hand! She is also wearing a necklace that my husband had told me a few months earlier was for him mum. I confronted my husband and told him its no longer a question of whether there is someone else or not. I know there is. He told me its finished , yeah what a coincidence ( I don't believe it as I just don't believe much he says now). 
So all along my husband has been saying he wants us to work and his intention was never divorce he was just unhappy but now sees that we have both changed for the better. He talks about stuff we can do in the future and admits that he made a mistake but its me he loves and he wants to come back home when the tenancy at his place is up. I'm willing to forgive but I need to know this woman is gone. He tells me he is dealing with it 'his way' as he is worried if he deals with it the wrong way she will go back on social media and contact our daughter and it might be awkward as her mum and his mum apparently know each other. No proof either way of that last part.  This could be true but I'm worried he is either buying more time and may change his mind about coming home or plans to come home but keep her on the side. I've expressed these concerns and he tells me not to worry its going to be dealt with because he doesn't want anyone interfering with our relationship when he comes back. He has agreed to go to counselling and tells me when he comes home his phone will be out on the table with nothing to hide and if he ever travels abroad I can go with him. 
I know that many of you will probably say I should just leave him and once a cheat always a cheat. However I have decided to forgive him and I am at peace with that. The lies hurt me more than this other woman. Having said that, I don't want him to take advantage of my forgiveness. Constantly trying to work out what he is really up to / how this is going to end is really stressing me. I feel helpless and don't know what to do. He keeps reassuring me its going to be fine but after so many lies how do I know he is telling the truth now?  He could just tell me its over and get a divorce as he has moved out anyway. We have no house or money to sort out so it would be easy. I don't see any reason to tell me he wants to be with me unless its true so I am inclined to believe part of it.  Thanks so much for reading if you got this far!

Pollycat

I forgave my ex for having an affair (that's not why he's my ex) but I suspected nothing.

He didn't lie to me.

Your circumstances are different - he lied to you that there wasn't someone else.

You'll never know if/when he is lying to you.

You've said it yourself:

Crazysquirrel said:

( I don't believe it as I just don't believe much he says now). 

If you are determined to take him back do not underestimate how hard it is not to be suspicious when he's late home etc.

Crazysquirrel said:

He tells me he is dealing with it 'his way' as he is worried if he deals with it the wrong way she will go back on social media and contact our daughter and it might be awkward as her mum and his mum apparently know each other.

Why is this ^^^^ an issue when she's already done that?

74jax

Crazysquirrel said:

My husband moved out last year because he said he was generally unhappy in our marriage but made it clear his hope was we would get back together. He told me there was nobody else and I believed it. 
I asked my husband and he said she was some crazy person who he had only seen a couple of times and she got the wrong idea.... 
She is also wearing a necklace that my husband had told me a few months earlier was for him mum.
I confronted my husband and told him its no longer a question of whether there is someone else or not. I know there is. He told me its finished , yeah what a coincidence
( I don't believe it as I just don't believe much he says now). 
I'm willing to forgive but I need to know this woman is gone.
I'm worried he is either buying more time and may change his mind about coming home or plans to come home but keep her on the side. 
I know that many of you will probably say I should just leave him and once a cheat always a cheat. However I have decided to forgive him and I am at peace with that.
The lies hurt me more than this other woman. Thanks so much for reading if you got this far!

What is it you are forgiving? The fact he had an affair, lied about it, lied about the necklace, or that he's not ending it how you like? It's not really clear as you say you don't believe a word he says, so are you forgiving the affair but not what he said? 
He left you to go work abroad, have sex when he liked with this other women, dated her, took her out, gave her gifts, told her of his family, and only when you found out did he firstly lie, then admit it.
And you forgive him but don't believe him? I'm a bit confused. 
Has he been checked for sti's yet? I know the last thing you'll be thinking of is sex with him, but I'm expecting he's doing all he can for forgiveness (even though you forgive him anyway) but before anything else he needs checking he doesn't have anything.
Let him go to counselling, you go to counselling, he needs to prove beyond doubt its over, but that he won't do it again. 
Has he said why he denied it? He can deny it again if he doesn't understand why he did. 
Has he learnt from it at all? 

Crazysquirrel

Thanks Pollycat. Yes I think I will always be a bit suspicious, that's natural and I think I would be with anyone to be honest though. I'm naturally that way. 
I totally agree about the social media thing. Its just weird. I did question if he was hoping to get in another visit to her before coming home. I also questioned whether he feels bad for breaking it off with this girl because I am not convinced that before she contacted me she knew he was married. Her message to me was something along the lines of him saying he was divorced and that he is being illegal for being married and trying to date her ( English isn't her language). I'd not be surprised if he is telling me she is gone and then telling her that I am..... Telling me she is crazy and then saying the same to her about me!
I'm trying not to hate her as she might be a victim in this too. 
I feel the only way to know is for him to come back and for me to see if his behaviour has changed. Words are not enough, I need to see it. Its very hard to see any change when we don't live together. If it were just the two of us I'd have him back home on the understanding that if he can't demonstrate he has changed then its over for good this time. However we have a child and I don't want her to see him come back and then go again. 

Crazysquirrel

Thanks 74jax. I'm willing to forgive the affair and the lies. I do have to take some responsibility for our marriage not being great but I don't blame myself.  He is 100% in the wrong. I am pretty sure he did it to boost his ego ( not that this is an excuse) rather than he doesn't love me or believed that he and I were over. However I have to accept that he obviously doesn't respect me / love me 100% or he wouldn't have done it. I am also pretty sure he lied about there being someone because he didn't want to upset me or risk not being able to come back. That hurts because essentially I think he was planning on having fun, planning to not get caught and then hoping to come back once it was out his system. 
I haven't thought about the STI thing to be honest....

groovy_chick

Crazysquirrel said:

My husband moved out last year because he said he was generally unhappy in our marriage but made it clear his hope was we would get back together. He told me there was nobody else and I believed it. 

he wants to come back home when the tenancy at his place is up.

He tells me he is dealing with it 'his way' as he is worried if he deals with it the wrong way she will go back on social media and contact our daughter and it might be awkward as her mum and his mum apparently know each other. 

These three things stand out to me as red flags.

The first - men rarely leave when there is no-one else (and yes there are exceptions before anyone yells at me!).  Someone once told me that man is like a monkey - never lets go of one branch before he has hold of another one.  My ex-husband kidded me that he 'just didn't love me any more' for 6 months, before I found out he had been having an affair all the time.  He was playing it safe, keeping you warm while seeing if he preferred this other woman.

The second point - why is he waiting until his tenancy is up?  If he has decided he wants you, why is he not running back into your arms?  Instead he is using the tenancy as an excuse to delay his return a little longer.

And lastly, 'dealing with it his way' just screams to me that he is finding it hard to make the break from this other woman (if he has even tried to at all) and doesn't want anyone to let on that he is planning (or saying he is planning) to come back to you.  He is playing you off against each other and he is probably telling her that you just won't leave him alone/let him have a divorce.

I'm sorry - anything less than him shouting from the rooftops that he wants to be with you right now, coupled with hard proof that he has broken up with this woman suggests to me that you are both being played and he is too cowardly to make a decision - he doesn't deserve either of you.

And yes, she probably is also a victim as you say - it took me a while to realise that my ex was a very manipulative liar.  It's especially hard to see that when you really want to believe him

Crazysquirrel

Thanks groovy-chick. I do see what you are saying. When he left it didn't really add up. I accepted that we had been unhappy for a while but didn't get what tipped him over the edge to actually move out. Now it makes sense! 
My gut instinct is that he is finding it hard to break it off with this woman ( either because he doesn't know which one of us he wants or doesn't want to upset her) and like you say, he is keeping us both ticking along until he makes up his mind / deals with it. The tenancy thing. I agree and thought myself that if he really wanted to come back he wouldn't wait. However he would still have to pay the rent until he has served his notice.  His main point is he has just been promoted and is working on an important project. It suits him to concentrate on that and then when the project is complete and he moves back he can have more free time for family. Makes sense. Could also be a cover! 
With all this social media stuff I'm just not sure how easy it is to break contact with someone. Back in the days you could change your phone number but now you can't escape even if you want to! If he does break it off what's to say they won't reconnect. Sounds like an excuse on my part but I don't see that they would last anyway. I think she is attracted to him being in the UK and his money and he likes the attention from a younger woman. Long term it wouldn't work. That doesn't make it OK obviously! I really hate second guessing everything. I'm a very honest person and just couldn't lie. Even if nobody knew I was lying it would bother me. Its difficult not being able to go on dates / holiday etc together so I have limited opportunity to see how he behaves. He says the right stuff but words alone are not good enough. 

groovy_chick

Crazysquirrel said:

With all this social media stuff I'm just not sure how easy it is to break contact with someone. Back in the days you could change your phone number but now you can't escape even if you want to! If he does break it off what's to say they won't reconnect. Sounds like an excuse on my part but I don't see that they would last anyway. I think she is attracted to him being in the UK and his money and he likes the attention from a younger woman. Long term it wouldn't work. That doesn't make it OK obviously! I really hate second guessing everything. I'm a very honest person and just couldn't lie. Even if nobody knew I was lying it would bother me. Its difficult not being able to go on dates / holiday etc together so I have limited opportunity to see how he behaves. He says the right stuff but words alone are not good enough. 

OP - you sound like a lovely person and you deserve better!

Regarding social media - there is no law that says we have to have an online presence!  My best friend refuses to have facebook or anything like that and she lives a very happy life without it!  If he is truly sorry and wants to be with you, it is a very small sacrifice to delete his online accounts.

Crazysquirrel

I'm not online apart from Linkedin, I personally don't like social media. I'm willing to forgive and move on. I'm just not 100% that he is suddenly going to be honest. But then I keep thinking he doesn't have to be with me. He could have just broken contact or asked for a divorce when he moved out. If we have a new start like he is suggesting and I also want, that's great. I don't want to constantly be looking over my shoulder though. Anyone got ideas as to what I can do to see if he has changed or is more trustworthy? I'm so scared he might move back but then change his mind and that would destroy our daughter. Her welfare has to come first. 

Mojisola

Crazysquirrel said:

I'm willing to forgive and move on. I'm just not 100% that he is suddenly going to be honest. But then I keep thinking he doesn't have to be with me. He could have just broken contact or asked for a divorce when he moved out. If we have a new start like he is suggesting and I also want, that's great. I don't want to constantly be looking over my shoulder though.

Anyone got ideas as to what I can do to see if he has changed or is more trustworthy? I'm so scared he might move back but then change his mind and that would destroy our daughter. Her welfare has to come first. 

I think I'd want him to prove himself before he moved back in.

Leaving may have made him realise that life isn't rosy when he's looking after himself - that doesn't guarantee that he will stay faithful.

Offering to let you look at his phone doesn't mean anything - people who cheat often have two phones to hide their affairs.

74jax

It's not what you have to do, but him.
He needs to be constantly telling you he's changed, explaining why he did what he did, begging for forgiveness, showing he's sorry, doing everything he can to make you want him back.
Go for counselling, for God's sake get him tested for sti's.  And then you decide if you want him back or not.
He doesn't just rock up and you take of from there.