Husbands affair / moving back in etc

AskAsk

this is a difficult one.  i would say that he should only get back if he cuts all ties with the other woman and you have proof of it.  but this is always going to be a difficult relationship going forward as you have lost trust in him, and unless he can gain it back, it will never work.

hello007007

Havent read the whole thread.

Personally, if I were you, I would take the pain. Take it now because its best to take the pain once.

We all know of plenty of women who let cheaters back home - 5 years down the line he could do it again.

I know of two case where the guy had his wife and lover pregnant at the same time!

I am guessing you have been through all the shame of telling family and friends that he has moved out. Do you really want to put then through that again? What about your daughter? Don't risk it.

A man who can leave his daughter and wife so he can have sex with someone else is not good material.

Thank goodness the lover got in contact else you would not have been none the wiser - he is bold!

Stay strong- You are half way there. I would limit contact too else the risk of him snaking back is high.

Please look after your mental health during this time.

Love x

MalMonroe

I agree with everything groovy_chick has said. 

My husband was very similar to yours. For him, the other grass was greener. 

The big worry here is that your trust has gone. Why on earth would you want to live with someone you don't trust? This is your one wild and precious life, why waste it on a loser??

You have a daughter, yes and so do I. Her father left when she was 9 because he'd met someone he thought was his destiny. We divorced, they married and ten years later that marriage ended in divorce too. In the meantime our daughter had to put up with a spiteful stepmother who was jealous of the time her dad spent with her. She had two stepbrothers who resented her and they got to spend time with her dad while she didn't. 

Why not just let him go. You're putting off the inevitable because he WILL leave, even if he comes back. I know this because he is selfish, just as mine was. The only person he loves is him. Yet you are letting him call all the shots, even before he comes back. A leopard does not change its spots, no matter what it may tell you.

Since he left, I have become an independent woman, found my self-respect, have been a positive inspirational model for my daughter (so she tells me!), graduated from university with a 2.1 BA (Hons) degree and generally looked after myself and my daughter, who is now a grown, well educated academic of whom I am very proud. Your daughter will be fine, as mine was. She still has a dad, of course and she loves him but he's now overseas and living with his fourth wife. And still hasn't found what he's looking for. He may never find it. I don't feel any animosity because I realised long ago that by leaving, he did us a really big favour.

You really don't need a man to survive. I thought I would not survive but I did. I don't want to live with anyone else because I'd find it too restricting. 

Sorry but I really feel that you can do better and that you and your daughter deserve better. It's scary, yes but it's not impossible.  

[Deleted User]

He lied to you then and it sounds very much as if he is still lying now.  I wouldn't want him back if he wasn't at least prepared to be 100% open and honest.  Forgive him be all means since forgiveness is really for the person doing the forgiving. Do it to get yourself to get better and move on from the situation.

Marvel1

Pollycat said:

Crazysquirrel said:

He tells me he is dealing with it 'his way' as he is worried if he deals with it the wrong way she will go back on social media and contact our daughter and it might be awkward as her mum and his mum apparently know each other.

Why is this ^^^^ an issue when she's already done that?

They don't want the daughter to be involved any further? Understandable.  

Your daughter can block her.

Pollycat

Marvel1 said:

Pollycat said:

Crazysquirrel said:

He tells me he is dealing with it 'his way' as he is worried if he deals with it the wrong way she will go back on social media and contact our daughter and it might be awkward as her mum and his mum apparently know each other.

Why is this ^^^^ an issue when she's already done that?

They don't want the daughter to be involved any further? Understandable.  

Your daughter can block her.

Maybe the daughter should already have had some sort of privacy settings on her social media account so some random stranger who was having an affair with her Dad couldn't get in touch with her...

Of course contact from the lover or ex-lover can be blocked.

Which is why I asked the question in the first place - 'why is it an issue?' when there are ways to stop contact. If they block this woman, he would not have to 'deal with it in his way' to avoid this woman going back on social media to contact the daughter.

Why would someone get in touch with a child to tell her she was an "ex-love" of her Dad?

If she can find the child's social media account, surely she could find the wife's account?

Crazysquirrel

Thanks everyone I do appreciate all the viewpoints. My gut feeling is he got so bored with daily life and our marriage that decided to see if it would be better another way and realized it wasn't. He has expressed that he doesn't like living alone and misses us. When he left he actually said to me he could be making the worst decision of his life because what if I decide I enjoy life better without him and don't want him back. I asked him what should I say to my family about a wedding anniversary card. He said let them get one as we are still married, just working stuff out. He bought plants and said he can bring them home. He learned to cook a few things and said he can cook for me when he comes back. All along he has been speaking about returning. Its almost as though he wanted a gap year or to experience some fun rather than actually permanently leave. Perhaps that's partly why he hooked up with someone in another country? Not that any of this makes it more acceptable! 
My main worry is the breaking contact thing. My husband is someone who naturally avoids awkward situations and puts things off. He might be delaying it because he enjoys her company whilst living on his own. In my head they are chatting ever day over video but that might not be true. I'm constantly thinking about it and its stopping me sleeping. Even when I sleep I dream about it. 

 Maybe he doesn't want to hurt her or hasn't 100% decided that he does want to break it off. I'm always second guessing. 
Re the social media thing. I'm not on social media. This woman found my daughter via her dads Instagram and asked to follow her. I'm glad she did as I'd rather know. I really don't want her brought into this again, it was really unfair. I've maintained my cool as far as my husband being a dad is concerned. I've not told my daughter he has cheated and I've not said anything bad about him. 
Day to day I'm ok on my own. I'm managing financially, I'm more confident and open to trying new things. I know I don't need my husband or anyone else. I do want the life we have been talking about though. My husband has made mistakes but he has good qualities too. We have both made changes. I suppose any relationship makes you vulnerable. 

Pollycat

Crazysquirrel said:

Thanks everyone I do appreciate all the viewpoints. My gut feeling is he got so bored with daily life and our marriage that decided to see if it would be better another way and realized it wasn't. He has expressed that he doesn't like living alone and misses us. When he left he actually said to me he could be making the worst decision of his life because what if I decide I enjoy life better without him and don't want him back. I asked him what should I say to my family about a wedding anniversary card. He said let them get one as we are still married, just working stuff out. He bought plants and said he can bring them home. He learned to cook a few things and said he can cook for me when he comes back. All along he has been speaking about returning. Its almost as though he wanted a gap year or to experience some fun rather than actually permanently leave. Perhaps that's partly why he hooked up with someone in another country? Not that any of this makes it more acceptable! 

Reminds me of the song 'A little time' by Beautiful South.

Crazysquirrel said:

Re the social media thing. I'm not on social media. This woman found my daughter via her dads Instagram and asked to follow her. I'm glad she did as I'd rather know. I really don't want her brought into this again, it was really unfair. I've maintained my cool as far as my husband being a dad is concerned. I've not told my daughter he has cheated and I've not said anything bad about him. 

My point exactly.

The internet is not a cosy, friendly fluffy-bunny place.

swingaloo2

I was once in the same position with my ex husband. This was way back when there was no social media and not even mobile phones. He worked away during the week on long term contracts and unknown to me had been living with this woman instead of using a hotel. Her children even called him 'dad'. We had a 7 year old at the time. 
I found out about it because he lied about a gift he had come home with at Xmas which I knew he could not have obtained where he said he had. Then I found a letter from her in his workbag. 
He went to pieces, said it was me he loved and wanted to stay, said he had been a fool and was willing to leave his job and so have no further contact with her. After a lot of soul searching I decided to give him another chance, mostly for our son's sake but wanted absolute proof it was over and that she knew it. He said he would prove it to me and got the car out and we drove cross country to her home where we turned up unannounced together. He told her in front of me that he was sorry, that he had feelings for her but that he loved me more and wasnt going to be seeing her again. From that moment on he treated me like I was precious, overdoing everything, presents, flowers etc. But none of it mattered. I couldnt get over the way he had treated her either and just saw a weak man who was having his cake and eating it as long as he was not found out. When found out he was scared of everything from divorce/selling the house/telling his parents etc so went for the option he felt most comfortable with.
I did love him  but I never respected him again and the loss of respect for someone you share a life with is a big hurdle to get over. We eventually divorced 10 years later even though Im sure he was never unafithful again (he wouldnt leave the house without me) as I couldnt ever feel the same about our marriage.  
If this woman was saying she was 'an ex' of your husband then who is to say that he isnt making his way back to you because its going wrong with her. Listen to your gut and follow your own path. You have not said that you love him madly, did you really miss him while he wasnt with you or are you now being blindsided by his declerations of love. 
Felling that you can forgive him is one thing but being able to live with him again in a comfortable loving existence without worry or suspicion is another thing. In my case I later found out that my husband had had 2 affairs with women local to us before the woman I found out about so his bold 'proving tto you that I am finishing things with her' was just doing what he needed to do at the time to save himself.  He always said he loved me and Im sure he did in his own way but as they once said in a film ' Love menas never having to say sorry'. 
Personally if it was me and with the gift of hindsight I would tell him that you will think about things and let him 'date' you for another 6 months before moving back in.  If he really wants you back then he will do it. If he pushes to move back straight away then I would question his motives. I wish you luck.

sevenhills

Pollycat said:

Why would someone get in touch with a child to tell her she was an "ex-love" of her Dad?

If she can find the child's social media account, surely she could find the wife's account?

How old is this child, was it done in a friendly way perhaps, to find out information, because she didnt trust what she was being told?

A man with girlfriends in different countries, but found out because of social media. I can imagine the OP being a good person, she needs to make it clear what what happen if it happens again.