How to Fix Marriage

burlingtonfl6

gettingtheresometime said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

gettingtheresometime said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

gettingtheresometime said:

zagfles said:

ManicRower said:

Thank you to everyone who has responded, I really do appreciate it. A lot of food for thought, just to answer a couple of questions and clarify a few points:
- I'm a Management Consultant so 45-50hr weeks is the norm and that is manageable. It just happens that this is a real stinker of a client and a hospital pass of a job role. This role has been about ~60hrs a week on average for the last 12 months but I've scaled back to 'only' 50-55hrs in the last month or so whilst I try and plot an exit route from this client. 
- I'm focused on achieving the promotion because 1) It's pretty much my 'life' outside of being a Dad and Husband so it gives me a bit of structure/focus, and 2) It's worth about £25k per annum, enough for one of us to then reduce our hours in support of the other and hopefully make things more manageable for us as a family/couple going forward. 
- I fully agree my wife does the most of the household chores......I guess I see that as 'fair' at the moment (rightly or wrongly) given I am at work and I do contribute.....even if the split is 70/30ish her way. I agree that I am going to have to do more when my wife goes back to work and get that split to 50/50 so that she can press on with her career if that's what she wants to do. 

I guess where I personally am struggling is the lack of compromise, i.e. I can reduce my hours and contribute more to the running of the house.....but we won't have as much spare cash to go on the trips/holidays/days out that my wife wants to do, I can keep job as-is, contribute more to the house chores and be f*cked at the weekend or I can keep job-as is, we can do stuff at the weekend but the house is going to be less tidy. It feels like my wife doesn't recognise the connection between these different parts of our lives and just wants it all......which just isn't feasible. Someone's suggested counciling which I think sounds like a good way forward as we both feel badly done to and entrenched in our positions. 

The second more clear cut point.....they shouldn't be coming down and it's worse that one of the family members visiting is a member of the NHS. I've tried broaching it with my wife but she refuses to buckle, saying 'I'll just say they're my support bubble and my mental health will suffer if they dont come'. I get it, this year has been incredibly hard for her as a really social person and the COVID restrictions, but morally it just doesn't sit right with me that she is flexing the rules to suit her needs and me/my family are missing out. It's breaking the law and frankly, I feel like I'm losing a bit of respect for her.

She needs to grow up, quite frankly. If she wants everything 50/50, fine, you reduce your hours, she goes back to work in a job earning similar, and you can both contribute equally to finances, childcare and housework.

If she is expecting you to contribute more financially so she can have nice holidays etc but then also expects you to do 50/50 in the house, you need to tell her where to go, don't be a doormat!

As for breaking the COVID rules, unbelievable. It's been hard this year for everyone. Some people live alone, she should try thinking about them and the 60,000+ who've died instead of feeling sorry for herself and putting people's lives at risk. Lots of people aren't seeing their family this Christmas, we aren't, I'm not putting my parents' lives at risk just so we can share a turkey. We're delaying Christmas till Easter (hopefully - or maybe a summer xmas!)

Perhaps she wants the OP's company rather than the salary the OP could earn from a potential promotion? 

I had the foresight, back in February to INSIST, my mum learnt how to use Facetime & I thank all the Gods above that I did; yes the lockdown has been hard on her (she lives alone)  but without FaceTime she would have found it immeasurably harder (& in some ways it's made life more inclusive as I've been able to show her things) 

It's been her choice though to 'cancel' Christmas....(being extremely vulnerable) it's been her risk level that we've all adhered to. We also plan a February Christmas or whenever she's gets the jab ...which ever is the sooner.

We know nothing of the family's circumstances (have they been shielding since March for example) to pass judgment.

I just wonder how many people will be leaving London after tomorrow night for Christmas?

If the OP didn't earn enough to support his wife and family and keep her in the lifestyle she is now used to, she would probably end up looking for someone who can.

Well that assumes the OP's wife isn't in a similar earning profession. To me this doesn't sound like the wife wants to be a lady of leisure....she sounds as if she wants a family life.

The bills still need paying. It's a balancing act and his wife can't have it all!

Did you miss the bit where the OP said his wife would be going back to work full time in January?

It's December, and the problem they have is now. 
Next month things could be great, the same or worse. Only time will tell but the relationship issues now relate to their current situation. 

Aranyani

burlingtonfl6 said:

gettingtheresometime said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

gettingtheresometime said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

gettingtheresometime said:

zagfles said:

ManicRower said:

Thank you to everyone who has responded, I really do appreciate it. A lot of food for thought, just to answer a couple of questions and clarify a few points:
- I'm a Management Consultant so 45-50hr weeks is the norm and that is manageable. It just happens that this is a real stinker of a client and a hospital pass of a job role. This role has been about ~60hrs a week on average for the last 12 months but I've scaled back to 'only' 50-55hrs in the last month or so whilst I try and plot an exit route from this client. 
- I'm focused on achieving the promotion because 1) It's pretty much my 'life' outside of being a Dad and Husband so it gives me a bit of structure/focus, and 2) It's worth about £25k per annum, enough for one of us to then reduce our hours in support of the other and hopefully make things more manageable for us as a family/couple going forward. 
- I fully agree my wife does the most of the household chores......I guess I see that as 'fair' at the moment (rightly or wrongly) given I am at work and I do contribute.....even if the split is 70/30ish her way. I agree that I am going to have to do more when my wife goes back to work and get that split to 50/50 so that she can press on with her career if that's what she wants to do. 

I guess where I personally am struggling is the lack of compromise, i.e. I can reduce my hours and contribute more to the running of the house.....but we won't have as much spare cash to go on the trips/holidays/days out that my wife wants to do, I can keep job as-is, contribute more to the house chores and be f*cked at the weekend or I can keep job-as is, we can do stuff at the weekend but the house is going to be less tidy. It feels like my wife doesn't recognise the connection between these different parts of our lives and just wants it all......which just isn't feasible. Someone's suggested counciling which I think sounds like a good way forward as we both feel badly done to and entrenched in our positions. 

The second more clear cut point.....they shouldn't be coming down and it's worse that one of the family members visiting is a member of the NHS. I've tried broaching it with my wife but she refuses to buckle, saying 'I'll just say they're my support bubble and my mental health will suffer if they dont come'. I get it, this year has been incredibly hard for her as a really social person and the COVID restrictions, but morally it just doesn't sit right with me that she is flexing the rules to suit her needs and me/my family are missing out. It's breaking the law and frankly, I feel like I'm losing a bit of respect for her.

She needs to grow up, quite frankly. If she wants everything 50/50, fine, you reduce your hours, she goes back to work in a job earning similar, and you can both contribute equally to finances, childcare and housework.

If she is expecting you to contribute more financially so she can have nice holidays etc but then also expects you to do 50/50 in the house, you need to tell her where to go, don't be a doormat!

As for breaking the COVID rules, unbelievable. It's been hard this year for everyone. Some people live alone, she should try thinking about them and the 60,000+ who've died instead of feeling sorry for herself and putting people's lives at risk. Lots of people aren't seeing their family this Christmas, we aren't, I'm not putting my parents' lives at risk just so we can share a turkey. We're delaying Christmas till Easter (hopefully - or maybe a summer xmas!)

Perhaps she wants the OP's company rather than the salary the OP could earn from a potential promotion? 

I had the foresight, back in February to INSIST, my mum learnt how to use Facetime & I thank all the Gods above that I did; yes the lockdown has been hard on her (she lives alone)  but without FaceTime she would have found it immeasurably harder (& in some ways it's made life more inclusive as I've been able to show her things) 

It's been her choice though to 'cancel' Christmas....(being extremely vulnerable) it's been her risk level that we've all adhered to. We also plan a February Christmas or whenever she's gets the jab ...which ever is the sooner.

We know nothing of the family's circumstances (have they been shielding since March for example) to pass judgment.

I just wonder how many people will be leaving London after tomorrow night for Christmas?

If the OP didn't earn enough to support his wife and family and keep her in the lifestyle she is now used to, she would probably end up looking for someone who can.

Well that assumes the OP's wife isn't in a similar earning profession. To me this doesn't sound like the wife wants to be a lady of leisure....she sounds as if she wants a family life.

The bills still need paying. It's a balancing act and his wife can't have it all!

Did you miss the bit where the OP said his wife would be going back to work full time in January?

It's December, and the problem they have is now. 
Next month things could be great, the same or worse. Only time will tell but the relationship issues now relate to their current situation. 

The problem is nothing to do with the bills. 

CookieMonster

ManicRower said:

....early 30's, marriage 4.5 years and together for 10.
We have 2 childen (2.5yrs and 11th months).
Wife has been on maternity leave for the last year
both children will go to nursery 4 days a week (currently our oldest goes 3 days a week). 
 I work circa 60 hours a week (Mon-Fri). 
 I do the drop-off/collections from nursery, I sort the bins, I do the washing up, I get the shopping, I put our eldest to bed. We share responsibilities of getting up in the night if the children wake up, and sometimes I do some washing.
My wife currently handles pretty much everything else so all cooking/tidying, looking after our youngest, breakfast/lunch with kids, putting our youngest to bed, etc. 
 have a cleaner that comes once a fortnight. 
My wife wants me to do more both in terms of household responsibilities, and then outside of that she wants to live at a busier pace of life that I am struggling to handle right now and COVID appears to have exacerbated. By the time it gets to the weekend I am absolutely knackered, would rather recharge inside with the 4 of us. My wife often sees this as 'lazy' and is naturally more outgoing and most weekends, she wants to get out of the house, see family/friends, do activities, spend money, etc. The word I've used to describe this to her is I find it a bit relentless and overwhelming, but from her side she spends most of her week with 1 or 2 kids and wants to get out and do things at the weekend. 
We were struggling anyway but the potential breaking point has come this week where we realised my family wouldnt be able to come for Christmas because her family are coming the week before and are from a Tier 3 area (i.e. should be essential travel only) so breaking the COVID rules. My family 1) work on front-line NHS so can't afford to get infected, particularly if they knowingly interacted with people from T3 breaking rules, and 2) elderly so don't want to risk mixing with T3. This led to a frank discussion covering the points above, we're both in agreement something is wrong, we both want to fix it (I think) but we're both entrenched in our positions of me thinking 'I work incredibly hard, cut me some slack, stop calling me lazy and lets do less', and my wife thinking 'I wish he'd pull his finger out and why doesn't he want to do anything fun with me?'
Am I or my wife being unreasonable? Is this just life with 2 young kids and we need to suck it up?

You work 60 hrs a week and are using the weekends to recharge. You come home to a demanding wife, which feels like a second job, and no matter how much you do, she's not happy. 
In the age of white goods/electrical apparatus to do all the kitchen tasks, and with a cleaner coming in: running a house and raising a couple of kids is easier than it has ever been. 
Buy a dishwasher if you haven't already got one.
Turn your 60hr week into a 62.5hr week, take ½ an hour to relax between work and home each day.
And look to drop your working hours back down to 40hrs a week. Change jobs and career if you have to. 60hrs isn't sustainable for the long term, especially if you want to have some quality of life. Which is seriously lacking at the moment. Money isn't everything. You'll miss out on the youngsters growing up at this rate, will the promotion be worth it?
Covid and Xmas etc are just extra on top of an already rubbish situation, and secondary to the main issue.
Things will change when the rug rats are at nursery next month, and your good lady has some adult interaction during her working day. Probably for the better. Good luck.

pjcox2005

Just a thought returning to this thread, you may have various set "hours" you do but probably need a bit of flex on a daily basis.
Some days working 12hrs is seriously hard and shattering and you won't be much use when back home, other days they're not that difficult particularly if you're including commute time in your hours and ticking off some easier tasks where you're wife could have had a day from hell with the kids, in which case you may need to do more than normal.

I appreciate it's obvious just pointing out job splits/rules don't have to be rigid.

zagfles

pjcox2005 said:

Just a thought returning to this thread, you may have various set "hours" you do but probably need a bit of flex on a daily basis.
Some days working 12hrs is seriously hard and shattering and you won't be much use when back home, other days they're not that difficult particularly if you're including commute time in your hours and ticking off some easier tasks where you're wife could have had a day from hell with the kids, in which case you may need to do more than normal.

I appreciate it's obvious just pointing out job splits/rules don't have to be rigid.

Yes this is an excellent point, one that's perhaps been missed here in all the typical "who does more" type debates we get here.

"Work" is not all the same, in fact 90% of childcare (of your own kids) I would not even consider "work", frankly anyone who does either shouldn't have become a parent in the first place, or else has very difficult kids! The idea that taking my kids to Tumbletots or mother and toddlers or reading them a bedtime story is "work" - if that's a chore to you then you really should have used birth control

But of course some of the time kids really are hard work, and relentless, and much more so at the OP's stage with a baby and toddler, that really can be hard work at times. I went through the same as the OP (even without the stupidly long hours), although I never had any issue with my wife over division of "work". It was just the total between us was overwhelming at times.

It's the same in most paid work, sometimes easy, sometimes enjoyable, sometime intense, frustrating and stressful.

So you need to understand each other and rather than totting up the hours, consider, read, respect and trust each other. If one is shattered after a hard days work (whatever type of "work") then consider that when the baby starts crying etc rather than "it's your turn now....".