How to Fix Marriage

ontheroad1970

burlingtonfl6 said:

Your wife wants you to do more even though you sound like you're doing everything you can.
My prediction.....she will think she can do better, want a divorce, go back out on the dating scene and realise she's not quite the catch she was in her 20's.

Your wife must be so proud to have such a reasonable and equality interested husband.

burlingtonfl6

ontheroad1970 said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

Your wife wants you to do more even though you sound like you're doing everything you can.
My prediction.....she will think she can do better, want a divorce, go back out on the dating scene and realise she's not quite the catch she was in her 20's.

Your wife must be so proud to have such a reasonable and equality interested husband.

Smart men don't get married

pinkshoes

ManicRower said:

- In terms of responsibilities outside of work I do the drop-off/collections from nursery, I sort the bins, I do the washing up, I get the shopping, I put our eldest to bed. We share responsibilities of getting up in the night if the children wake up, and sometimes I do some washing. My wife currently handles pretty much everything else so very much the lions share; all cooking/tidying, looking after our youngest, breakfast/lunch with kids, putting our youngest to bed, etc. We are fortunate enough to have a cleaner that comes once a fortnight. 
- My wife wants me to do more both in terms of household responsibilities, and then outside of that she wants to live at a busier pace of life that I am struggling to handle right now and COVID appears to have exacerbated. By the time it gets to the weekend I am absolutely knackered, would rather recharge inside with the 4 of us. My wife often sees this as 'lazy' 

Your wife sounds like a self entitled b*tch who clearly doesn't realise how lucky she is to have a husband that does so much despite working such long hours. 

I work 3 full days a week as a teacher. My other two days (6 hours whilst the kids are at school) I spend doing all my lesson planning, and the cleaning. I also do all the cooking, food shopping, childcare, tidying, homework with kids etc... I may as well be a single parent because my DH puts the bins out, and does the kids bath once a week (which involves sitting in the bathroom on his phone).

Your wife needs a reality check, and perhaps so do you over your career. Does she want to money to be able to afford to go out and do nice things, or would she rather you cut back your hours and have perhaps less money? She is clearly delusional!

You are so far from lazy this actually makes me really angry reading the above. 

I would suggest sending my husband to her for a couple of weeks and then she might appreciate how much you actually do for her and your family!!

Aranyani

pinkshoes said:

ManicRower said:

- In terms of responsibilities outside of work I do the drop-off/collections from nursery, I sort the bins, I do the washing up, I get the shopping, I put our eldest to bed. We share responsibilities of getting up in the night if the children wake up, and sometimes I do some washing. My wife currently handles pretty much everything else so very much the lions share; all cooking/tidying, looking after our youngest, breakfast/lunch with kids, putting our youngest to bed, etc. We are fortunate enough to have a cleaner that comes once a fortnight. 
- My wife wants me to do more both in terms of household responsibilities, and then outside of that she wants to live at a busier pace of life that I am struggling to handle right now and COVID appears to have exacerbated. By the time it gets to the weekend I am absolutely knackered, would rather recharge inside with the 4 of us. My wife often sees this as 'lazy' 

Your wife sounds like a self entitled b*tch 

On what planet is it ok for you to say that just because you are married to someone who doesn't pull their weight or view you as an equal?

sassyblue

pinkshoes said:
Your wife sounds like a self entitled b*tch

  You sound jealous.  Get your husband step up more.

pjcox2005

When "putting the bins out" gets close to the top of the list then you're probably not sharing the load 
Appreciate it's a really tough phase with two young kids and I don't think it eases off for some time. You may want to work out whether job gives the right work life balance, or if you're willing to compromise on that for the rewards on offer despite the potential costs to family. If you are then you need to work out a plan to divide up better the jobs, including the mental load often held on getting a family organised e.g. birthday presents, or simple stuff of knowing it's PE day at school, for when you're wife goes back to work.
As others have said, don't be afraid to split occasionally on a weekend and do your own thing but you need to be communicating and having a plan for that weekend i'd say so she isn't waiting about thinking you'll be ready to do something soon.
Best of luck.

[Deleted User]

ManicRower said:

Hi, 
Looking for other points of view here as struggling to see a way through. Situation is my wife and I are are in our early 30's, marriage 4.5 years and together for 10. We have 2 childen (2.5yrs and 11th months). Wife has been on maternity leave for the last year and is scheduled to go back to work full-time in January. I also work full-time so from January both children will go to nursery 4 days a week (currently our oldest goes 3 days a week). 

We're not in a great place marriage-wise, we both love each other but both feel underappreciated, overworked and have suffered from a variety of 'mild' mental health issues during this complete skidmark of a year. My view of the situation is as follows:
- I work circa 60 hours a week (Mon-Fri). My job means I move from client to client and this client who I've been working for in 2020 has been particularly demanding. Coupled with the fact I am striving for a promotion in the next 12 months, I've been dealing with stress related issues so have attempted CBT, and am aware my energy levels after work are low and I have been up and down. I'm trying to compartmentalise work from home so I dont 'take it out' on the family. 
- In terms of responsibilities outside of work I do the drop-off/collections from nursery, I sort the bins, I do the washing up, I get the shopping, I put our eldest to bed. We share responsibilities of getting up in the night if the children wake up, and sometimes I do some washing. My wife currently handles pretty much everything else so very much the lions share; all cooking/tidying, looking after our youngest, breakfast/lunch with kids, putting our youngest to bed, etc. We are fortunate enough to have a cleaner that comes once a fortnight. 
- My wife wants me to do more both in terms of household responsibilities, and then outside of that she wants to live at a busier pace of life that I am struggling to handle right now and COVID appears to have exacerbated. By the time it gets to the weekend I am absolutely knackered, would rather recharge inside with the 4 of us. My wife often sees this as 'lazy' and is naturally more outgoing and most weekends, she wants to get out of the house, see family/friends, do activities, spend money, etc. The word I've used to describe this to her is I find it a bit relentless and overwhelming, but from her side she spends most of her week with 1 or 2 kids and wants to get out and do things at the weekend. 

We were struggling anyway but the potential breaking point has come this week where we realised my family wouldnt be able to come for Christmas because her family are coming the week before and are from a Tier 3 area (i.e. should be essential travel only) so breaking the COVID rules. My family 1) work on front-line NHS so can't afford to get infected, particularly if they knowingly interacted with people from T3 breaking rules, and 2) elderly so don't want to risk mixing with T3. This led to a frank discussion covering the points above, we're both in agreement something is wrong, we both want to fix it (I think) but we're both entrenched in our positions of me thinking 'I work incredibly hard, cut me some slack, stop calling me lazy and lets do less', and my wife thinking 'I wish he'd pull his finger out and why doesn't he want to do anything fun with me?'

Anyone been through similar? Am I or my wife being unreasonable? Is this just life with 2 young kids and we need to suck it up? As I keep saying we both want to fix it but can't figure out how and are ultimately in agreement it can't continue as-is.......

You’re not the first couple to face these issues with two young children. You both have valid points and it’s good you’re discussing them now rather than letting it all fester. 

Will it be realistic to work 60 hours a week and chase a promotion when your wife returns to full time work? It might be the right decision for you as a family but then it might mean full time work for your wife is unrealistic. 

I imagine that when your wife returns to work she will also want quieter weekends but at the moment she’s stuck at home with two young children all day, well one when the older child is at nursery so I can see why she wants to get out and about at the weekend. Meanwhile I can understand why after a 60 hour working week you want to relax a bit more. It’s about balance and it seems like there’s room for you both to give a bit in order to address the balance in your family and working lives. 

zagfles

burlingtonfl6 said:

ontheroad1970 said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

Your wife wants you to do more even though you sound like you're doing everything you can.
My prediction.....she will think she can do better, want a divorce, go back out on the dating scene and realise she's not quite the catch she was in her 20's.

Your wife must be so proud to have such a reasonable and equality interested husband.

Smart men don't get married

No, smart men marry smart women, not ones who are think "equality" means sharing the housework even if one does 60 hours more money earning work than the other

zagfles

OP - as above, why are you working 60 hours a week, that is totally ridiculous with a young family. You can't carry on like that - believe me I know people who've tried and it hasn't ended well. The working time directive means your employer cannot force you to work more than 48 hours are they are breaking the law if they discriminate against you for refusing to. If you've got a dodgy employer who thinks their above the law then suggest you find a new job with a decent employer. Even if it pays less.

Even 48 hours is too much, have you got set hours in your employment contract? If so work those.

How would your wife feel if you got a lower hours/lower paid job? Or didn't try to chase promotions? If she expects you to do more round the house then she'd be a complete hypocrite to object to you reducing your working hours or changing to a less demanding job.

zagfles

Pollycat said:

ManicRower said:

- My wife wants me to do more both in terms of household responsibilities, and then outside of that she wants to live at a busier pace of life that I am struggling to handle right now and COVID appears to have exacerbated. By the time it gets to the weekend I am absolutely knackered, would rather recharge inside with the 4 of us. My wife often sees this as 'lazy' and is naturally more outgoing and most weekends, she wants to get out of the house, see family/friends, do activities, spend money, etc. The word I've used to describe this to her is I find it a bit relentless and overwhelming, but from her side she spends most of her week with 1 or 2 kids and wants to get out and do things at the weekend. 

Once she goes back to work full-time, she might find the things in bold that she finds so appealing now are maybe not so important to her.

ManicRower said:

We were struggling anyway but the potential breaking point has come this week where we realised my family wouldnt be able to come for Christmas because her family are coming the week before and are from a Tier 3 area (i.e. should be essential travel only) so breaking the COVID rules. My family 1) work on front-line NHS so can't afford to get infected, particularly if they knowingly interacted with people from T3 breaking rules, and 2) elderly so don't want to risk mixing with T3. This led to a frank discussion covering the points above, we're both in agreement something is wrong, we both want to fix it (I think) but we're both entrenched in our positions of me thinking 'I work incredibly hard, cut me some slack, stop calling me lazy and lets do less', and my wife thinking 'I wish he'd pull his finger out and why doesn't he want to do anything fun with me?'

However, I think this bit in bold ^^^^ is shocking.

Why did you ever agree to it in the first place knowing that it is wrong?

Absolutely. Report them. Utter idiots, the reason we're still in the current mess.