How to Fix Marriage

ManicRower

Hi, 
Looking for other points of view here as struggling to see a way through. Situation is my wife and I are are in our early 30's, marriage 4.5 years and together for 10. We have 2 childen (2.5yrs and 11th months). Wife has been on maternity leave for the last year and is scheduled to go back to work full-time in January. I also work full-time so from January both children will go to nursery 4 days a week (currently our oldest goes 3 days a week). 

We're not in a great place marriage-wise, we both love each other but both feel underappreciated, overworked and have suffered from a variety of 'mild' mental health issues during this complete skidmark of a year. My view of the situation is as follows:
- I work circa 60 hours a week (Mon-Fri). My job means I move from client to client and this client who I've been working for in 2020 has been particularly demanding. Coupled with the fact I am striving for a promotion in the next 12 months, I've been dealing with stress related issues so have attempted CBT, and am aware my energy levels after work are low and I have been up and down. I'm trying to compartmentalise work from home so I dont 'take it out' on the family. 
- In terms of responsibilities outside of work I do the drop-off/collections from nursery, I sort the bins, I do the washing up, I get the shopping, I put our eldest to bed. We share responsibilities of getting up in the night if the children wake up, and sometimes I do some washing. My wife currently handles pretty much everything else so very much the lions share; all cooking/tidying, looking after our youngest, breakfast/lunch with kids, putting our youngest to bed, etc. We are fortunate enough to have a cleaner that comes once a fortnight. 
- My wife wants me to do more both in terms of household responsibilities, and then outside of that she wants to live at a busier pace of life that I am struggling to handle right now and COVID appears to have exacerbated. By the time it gets to the weekend I am absolutely knackered, would rather recharge inside with the 4 of us. My wife often sees this as 'lazy' and is naturally more outgoing and most weekends, she wants to get out of the house, see family/friends, do activities, spend money, etc. The word I've used to describe this to her is I find it a bit relentless and overwhelming, but from her side she spends most of her week with 1 or 2 kids and wants to get out and do things at the weekend. 

We were struggling anyway but the potential breaking point has come this week where we realised my family wouldnt be able to come for Christmas because her family are coming the week before and are from a Tier 3 area (i.e. should be essential travel only) so breaking the COVID rules. My family 1) work on front-line NHS so can't afford to get infected, particularly if they knowingly interacted with people from T3 breaking rules, and 2) elderly so don't want to risk mixing with T3. This led to a frank discussion covering the points above, we're both in agreement something is wrong, we both want to fix it (I think) but we're both entrenched in our positions of me thinking 'I work incredibly hard, cut me some slack, stop calling me lazy and lets do less', and my wife thinking 'I wish he'd pull his finger out and why doesn't he want to do anything fun with me?'

Anyone been through similar? Am I or my wife being unreasonable? Is this just life with 2 young kids and we need to suck it up? As I keep saying we both want to fix it but can't figure out how and are ultimately in agreement it can't continue as-is.......

TBagpuss

I think both of you have valid poisnt and both of you need to try to be more willing to compromise.

From January when your wife returns to work it is going to be necessary for you to do more around the house, otherwise you would be expecting her to do 2 full time jobs, one as a homemaker and one in her paid employment. It might be useful to sit down and work out what needs to be done, and try to agree on ways to divide it up (and also to consider whether there are any other options for reducing the workload - would you both be willing to spend a bit more to buy more in the way of pre-prepared meals, to cut down on cooking, for instance? You may also have to look at whether your current hours are sustainable.

In terms of weekend, again, try to compromise. For instance, perhaps agree that you will do stuff together on alternate weekends,  and that you will take responsibility for the children and home one day in the intervening weekend so that your wife can go out and meet friends, or go shopping, or just her some 'me time' without having to worry about the house or children. She might at the same time need to accept that this may mean that you are doing pretty low-key stuff with them, it might be watching a film together or reading with the older one, rather than 'doing' something like a day out.
This could be on the basis that on the other day, or the opposite weekend, you have one morning where she looks after the children's and you can have a lie in or otherwise relax, or that you agree that on days where you are doing something with friends or family you do it later in the day, or aim to be home early, so you also get some 'down time' 
You may find it helpful to contact Relate or a similar service to do some work together, it sounds as though part of the issue is that you are not communicating very effectively, so working to improve that, with some outside help, may be useful.
Longer term, consider whether you could perhaps reduce your hours a bit so you are not so exhausted - is pursuing a promotion worth it f it is damaging your health and your family relationships? 

HanPop

Having little ones can be hard, so I sympathise. I do feel that you’re both doing well, you seem to be helping out at home as well as working long hours whilst your wife is doing the bulk of childcare. I can see both points of view to be honest. I am a stay at home mum to 3 children aged 2, 4 and 6, my oldest is at school but I have the youngest 2 with me constantly and I do also feel that at the weekend I’d like to go out (even if just to the shops) and even if I just get a couple of hours to myself I’m grateful as I’m with the children the rest of the time. My husband realises that he gets a lot of child free time even if it is just when he is at work. Maybe things will improve once your wife is back at work? Just know that other couples are experiencing the same even if they don’t say it. I agree with the above poster, maybe alternate weekends where you go out and ‘do’ something. Before coronavirus I used to go out with my mum for 2 hours on a Saturday and it really recharged my batteries for the week. Good luck.

Exodi

Many have been where you are, myself included.

I'd suggest trying to be truely open minded. My last relationship ended because we stuck with our positions, and 'compromising' was just wording our stance differently - we eventually both broke up both blaming the other person. It took a year apart (and moving on) for us both to finally accept our shortcomings.

Perhaps a good starting point would be the going out thing - you could plan things on alternate weekends. If it's really the case you are too tired to do anything any weekend then perhaps a less intense job could be sought.

Good luck!

burlingtonfl6

Your wife wants you to do more even though you sound like you're doing everything you can.
My prediction.....she will think she can do better, want a divorce, go back out on the dating scene and realise she's not quite the catch she was in her 20's.

AnotherJoe

I suggest both of you should consider how much worse it would be if you divorced and then both had to do everything for yourselves at home with less money because you'd be paying for two homes. So divorcing woudl put you in a worse position rather than be panacea to your issues.

Regards the current complaints you each have,  sit down and work through everything  and portion it out and if that doesnt work exactly reshuffle some stuff around, drop some stuff maybe, and keep at it until you get something that works.

ripplyuk

If your wife wants to spend weekends going out/doing activities etc, what is stopping her doing that? Are you insisting she stays home all weekend to keep you company? 

Aranyani

Why on earth are you working 60 hours a week?  You need to sort out your work life balance, working a more normal 40-45 hour week will have an instantly positive impact on your life.  

sassyblue

I could have written similar a few years ago and I can tell you this won’t be resolved unless one or both of you is able to cut down on the amount of hours worked.  Does your wife have to go back to work? Can you also cut down? 

Hubby and I used to be resentful towards each other, both of us feeling hard done by.  He works 55 hours a week, I worked 36, we both had stressful jobs and our son (an only child) was quite demanding. Hubby used to complain when he left for work at 6.40 I was still asleep but I was up by 7.30 and still doing stuff at 9pm whereas he was then relaxing having finished at 5pm. I still feel he got away lightly!

This year I have been struggling with my mental health due to issues at work which led to a breakdown. I'm only going back to work for a few hours a week when I feel able to, I think hubby resented that but it’s tough, I’m never going to work full time hours while I have a school child because it’s too much. I resented hubby because he gets to go to work without thinking about all the household chores that need doing, what we're having for tea and can do what he needs to without childcaring at the same time, hubby resented me because he thinks I work 36 hours but he’s not factoring in anything else.

I actually used to think about splitting up when our son was young because I’d get a break one weekend a fortnight when our son went to his dads!  Sounds terrible but I was exhausted, of course I’m glad we didn’t because we are soul mates but that’s how irrational it can make you. 

I wonder if one or both of you cut your working hours down you’d actually be happier together, you are both doing so much and having young children isn’t easy.

onomatopoeia99

Sixty hours a week is ridiculous and I thought was illegal under the working time directive.  Your employer should be in front of a tribunal, not you having a marriage breakdown.

That needs sorting, no matter how demanding the client is, get it down to 35h and you'll have some energy for your family.

Pollycat

ManicRower said:

- My wife wants me to do more both in terms of household responsibilities, and then outside of that she wants to live at a busier pace of life that I am struggling to handle right now and COVID appears to have exacerbated. By the time it gets to the weekend I am absolutely knackered, would rather recharge inside with the 4 of us. My wife often sees this as 'lazy' and is naturally more outgoing and most weekends, she wants to get out of the house, see family/friends, do activities, spend money, etc. The word I've used to describe this to her is I find it a bit relentless and overwhelming, but from her side she spends most of her week with 1 or 2 kids and wants to get out and do things at the weekend. 

Once she goes back to work full-time, she might find the things in bold that she finds so appealing now are maybe not so important to her.

ManicRower said:

We were struggling anyway but the potential breaking point has come this week where we realised my family wouldnt be able to come for Christmas because her family are coming the week before and are from a Tier 3 area (i.e. should be essential travel only) so breaking the COVID rules. My family 1) work on front-line NHS so can't afford to get infected, particularly if they knowingly interacted with people from T3 breaking rules, and 2) elderly so don't want to risk mixing with T3. This led to a frank discussion covering the points above, we're both in agreement something is wrong, we both want to fix it (I think) but we're both entrenched in our positions of me thinking 'I work incredibly hard, cut me some slack, stop calling me lazy and lets do less', and my wife thinking 'I wish he'd pull his finger out and why doesn't he want to do anything fun with me?'

However, I think this bit in bold ^^^^ is shocking.

Why did you ever agree to it in the first place knowing that it is wrong?