Sister thinks I am "unsupportive" of her pregnancy/baby

annetheman

Drawingaline said:

Ok, so you are not local then. Even more reason to not move in with them. Maybe once she has the baby booking a week's holiday and finding help with your cat and staying over then might be helpful and a compromise.

There are masses of online mum to be communities who can offer support, even more so atm with less face to face support. 

And unlike others I can sort of understand her wish to have her baby at 'home'. Pregnancy throws up all sorts of emotions, especially in someone without a mother themselves, the desire to be safe and somewhere where you feel is normal for you is incredibly important. 

Be a listening ear, sympathetic and empathetic, but set the boundaries you are happy with. Sometimes a but of a short hard shock helps people to see they are being ridiculous, other times gentle reminders are necessary.

And make sure you have an outlet at this time too, this will help you in ensuring things are not said that can't be taken back. 

Obviously this all depends on her and you having a good relationship already.

And if funds permit maybe contacting local doulas may be an option. Most work primarily as birth partners and postnatally for support, both practical and emotional, but I am sure in this situation there may be a way for them to give antenatal emotional support, either face to face if restrictions allow, or via online/phone. Certainly may be worth a mention. Doula UK site should have details if any in the area.

Thanks for this - I didn't know about this doula thing and I'm going to tell her about it.

I had a pretty good vent with a friend and once it was all out I realised there's a lot of emotion behind what she said and she is my sister, so our relationship is worth grinning and bearing the next 6 or so months, even though I/most consider her expectations to be unreasonable.

I can set financial limits but accept I will need to go beyond the emotional/logistical limits to be there for her as much as I can at the beginning. It is the most important event of her life and I'm just going to take the logical argument out of it and bear with it - at least for the first few months. I do not have children so can't empathise but I'm sure there are a lot of hormones going on and will not bring any of this up in case I say something I'll regret. I'll just state my limits and do as much as I can, not overthink it or I'll remember how draining it all is!

I draw the line at leaving my cat for more than 2 days, though!

Thanks, everyone.

Aranyani

annetheman said:

Drawingaline said:

Ok, so you are not local then. Even more reason to not move in with them. Maybe once she has the baby booking a week's holiday and finding help with your cat and staying over then might be helpful and a compromise.

There are masses of online mum to be communities who can offer support, even more so atm with less face to face support. 

And unlike others I can sort of understand her wish to have her baby at 'home'. Pregnancy throws up all sorts of emotions, especially in someone without a mother themselves, the desire to be safe and somewhere where you feel is normal for you is incredibly important. 

Be a listening ear, sympathetic and empathetic, but set the boundaries you are happy with. Sometimes a but of a short hard shock helps people to see they are being ridiculous, other times gentle reminders are necessary.

And make sure you have an outlet at this time too, this will help you in ensuring things are not said that can't be taken back. 

Obviously this all depends on her and you having a good relationship already.

And if funds permit maybe contacting local doulas may be an option. Most work primarily as birth partners and postnatally for support, both practical and emotional, but I am sure in this situation there may be a way for them to give antenatal emotional support, either face to face if restrictions allow, or via online/phone. Certainly may be worth a mention. Doula UK site should have details if any in the area.

our relationship is worth grinning and bearing the next 6 or so months, even though I/most consider her expectations to be unreasonable.

What on Earth makes you think this will stop after 6 months?

annetheman

Aranyani said:

annetheman said:

Drawingaline said:

Ok, so you are not local then. Even more reason to not move in with them. Maybe once she has the baby booking a week's holiday and finding help with your cat and staying over then might be helpful and a compromise.

There are masses of online mum to be communities who can offer support, even more so atm with less face to face support. 

And unlike others I can sort of understand her wish to have her baby at 'home'. Pregnancy throws up all sorts of emotions, especially in someone without a mother themselves, the desire to be safe and somewhere where you feel is normal for you is incredibly important. 

Be a listening ear, sympathetic and empathetic, but set the boundaries you are happy with. Sometimes a but of a short hard shock helps people to see they are being ridiculous, other times gentle reminders are necessary.

And make sure you have an outlet at this time too, this will help you in ensuring things are not said that can't be taken back. 

Obviously this all depends on her and you having a good relationship already.

And if funds permit maybe contacting local doulas may be an option. Most work primarily as birth partners and postnatally for support, both practical and emotional, but I am sure in this situation there may be a way for them to give antenatal emotional support, either face to face if restrictions allow, or via online/phone. Certainly may be worth a mention. Doula UK site should have details if any in the area.

our relationship is worth grinning and bearing the next 6 or so months, even though I/most consider her expectations to be unreasonable.

What on Earth makes you think this will stop after 6 months?

My stubbornness and strong personal reserve...!? 

Aranyani

annetheman said:

Aranyani said:

annetheman said:

Drawingaline said:

Ok, so you are not local then. Even more reason to not move in with them. Maybe once she has the baby booking a week's holiday and finding help with your cat and staying over then might be helpful and a compromise.

There are masses of online mum to be communities who can offer support, even more so atm with less face to face support. 

And unlike others I can sort of understand her wish to have her baby at 'home'. Pregnancy throws up all sorts of emotions, especially in someone without a mother themselves, the desire to be safe and somewhere where you feel is normal for you is incredibly important. 

Be a listening ear, sympathetic and empathetic, but set the boundaries you are happy with. Sometimes a but of a short hard shock helps people to see they are being ridiculous, other times gentle reminders are necessary.

And make sure you have an outlet at this time too, this will help you in ensuring things are not said that can't be taken back. 

Obviously this all depends on her and you having a good relationship already.

And if funds permit maybe contacting local doulas may be an option. Most work primarily as birth partners and postnatally for support, both practical and emotional, but I am sure in this situation there may be a way for them to give antenatal emotional support, either face to face if restrictions allow, or via online/phone. Certainly may be worth a mention. Doula UK site should have details if any in the area.

our relationship is worth grinning and bearing the next 6 or so months, even though I/most consider her expectations to be unreasonable.

What on Earth makes you think this will stop after 6 months?

My stubbornness and strong personal reserve...!? 

Draw the line now, seriously.  A caring and supportive sister but not an employee or a doormat.  She needs to know that your life does not and will not revolve around her.  She will probably be quite unpleasant about the fact you are single and childfree when you assert yourself, accusing you of jealousy etc. but this doesn't matter.  

unforeseen

Why 6 months? You would hope that she flies back to hubby as soon as she is able after the child is born. 
Has she got a return ticket? If not, who is paying? 

JamoLew

sheramber said:

The OP says her father is a doc. More danger of catching covid.

missed that - thanks 
I wouldn't have though if he was still working and is likely to be busier that normal he would appreciate sleepless nights either.

Dymphna60

I know I know I shouldn’t even go there but where are you in the uk that staying over at your fathers house is within current Covid guidelines ? 

Surely a perfect reason to be not going to your Dads house just now . Or is this projecting for the future? 

I know there are exceptions for care but I don’t think a healthy pregnant woman living with a medical doctor would need extra care (?) . 

Is the doula for pregnancy support? Careful about entering into a financial commitment when it is a bit unknown who will be allowed at a birth in a couple of months. 

As @JameLew says pushing it a bit that she hasn’t just come here to use the NHS but will probably get away with it , have seen plenty do so . 

Aranyani

Dymphna60 said:

I know I know I shouldn’t even go there but where are you in the uk that staying over at your fathers house is within current Covid guidelines ? 

Surely a perfect reason to be not going to your Dads house just now . Or is this projecting for the future? 

If OP lives alone she is entitled to be in a support bubble with another household and continue to visit them. 

Doesn't mean she has to though! 

Mrs_Z

OP, I'm completely with you on this one.  Yes, you are choosing your cat over her baby and I would do the same.  Ok, I have no sister and no children (out of choice this one!) - but it's her decision to have a baby and she should take be prepared to take a full responsibility for everything that comes with it.  I can understand how her world revolves round the child, especially it being the first one but yours does not have to, and should not.  It's better that she gets the message sooner rather than later.  Nip it in the bud as they say and set the boundaries now.

mydreamality

I don't think you're being selfish at all. It is actually selfish of her to come to the UK and expect you and your father to foot the bill, because as you said, they are having a difficult time financially. She isn't being considerate of the fact that you have a life and as soon as she is gone you will go back to it. It's going to be difficult for you financially when she's here and emotionally when she leaves and that's something it seems she hasn't considered. I'm sorry that she is grieving the experience she would have if your  mum was still around, but that's really not on your or your father.