Sister thinks I am "unsupportive" of her pregnancy/baby

annetheman

I'll keep it as short as possible but would really like impartial opinions from unbiased people who don't know us!

My sister is 34 (3 years older than I am). She is 6 months pregnant with her first child; her and my brother-in-law started trying in Jan so happened very quickly.
They live in Tanzania, and have a hospitality business there. We are from the UK, the baby's father is from TZ.
She has decided to have the baby in the UK, then go back with her when she's about 6 months old - an idea I was supportive of, despite the pandemic etc.
She's decided early on (mostly for VISA reasons) to come alone and would like me to be her birth partner
She has expressed worry about taxoplasmosis - I said as long as she keeps away from my cat's poo, she'll be fine.
She said she doesn't want the risk - so I said I'd split my time between my place to feed my cat etc and our dad's, where she is staying.

As her company is in hospitality, they are massively affected by lockdown in TZ. Money is tight for them, she came here with essentially £0.
Our dad is paying for everything while she stays with him - taxis, food, baby things etc.
I have said I would go shopping with her for some baby clothes and bits in January but am in the middle of a house purchase so won't be splashing £100s on strollers etc.

She has since said I am selfish and unsupportive for:
a) not staying with her throughout her pregnancy at my dad's house. Essentially abandoning my cat.
b) "choosing a cat over her baby" because I'm not going to stay there.
c) not making her first child a priority over saving for my house move.

I disagree, but I'm not going to argue with her about it. If that is her attitude, I am frankly happy to let her feel that way as I don't want it to get in the way of my relationship with her child. I do however think it is HER child and I am not financially responsible for it neither do I need to be there for it at the expense of my dependent's (cat's) health and happiness.

***Edited to add: I might be psychoanalysing but I think a lot of this is stemming from her grieving the loss of our mother, who would be the person who would fuss over her and spend loads and go OTT for her whilst she's pregnant - dad and I are way more laid back, and I think she is having trouble accepting we can't ever be her.

Thoughts, anyone? Am I being selfish?

AnotherJoe

No you are not. She is being entitled / a choosing beggar.

Mrsn

Out of interest how long ago did your mum pass away? I don’t doubt that will be having some impact but what she’s expecting is completely unreasonable!

MrsPorridge

No I don't think you are either.  She was living in TZ and it is her choice to leave her home and her husband and come over here.  If she was staying in TZ you wouldn't be with her.  You must live your own life as you see fit and let her live hers.

unforeseen

TBH she sounds very selfish. Abandoning her hubbies to come home to have the baby and expecting everybody else to finance it and drop everything to look after her. 

annetheman

Mrsn said:

Out of interest how long ago did your mum pass away? I don’t doubt that will be having some impact but what she’s expecting is completely unreasonable!

2012 - but I completely understand (because I've experienced it) it is at the most significant moments - graduation, first relationship, first baby, marriage etc that you totally feel the loss of our mum more. Our mum was a HUGE character and she would be very, very excited about this grandchild.

I will admit that I am not particularly excited, I don't know why - I have no desire to have children myself and can't help but notice she never asks about my life, my house purchase, or anything else going on. It's always about her and her baby, constantly - I get it, it's a big deal for her so I feel terrible admitting that it bores me. I don't really want to see 50 pictures of baby socks on a daily basis.

The taxoplasmosis is actually a perfect get-out card for me because it means I don't feel like I *have* to be there - but then I'm not sure if that is selfish of me, as she is here alone, essentially.

Carrot007

You seem perfectly reasonable, her not so.

annetheman said:

She has since said I am selfish and unsupportive for:
a) not staying with her throughout her pregnancy at my dad's house. Essentially abandoning my cat.

Her baby, it would be reasonable of you to spend no time with her. Asking you to abandon your life for her sounds selfish.

b) "choosing a cat over her baby" because I'm not going to stay there.

Some people do not regard pets well. They should not be allowed to have them. A pet is loved and deserves as much as and other person you choose to spend your life with. Possibly more since they do not get a say in it. So that's her being selfish again.

c) not making her first child a priority over saving for my house move.

So again her her her. Would be unreasonable from a partner. From anyone else ridiculous.

I would tell her one more such comment and you are out and she can deal with it with the baby's dad.

sheramber

Money is tight for them, she came here with essentially £0.
Is that the real reason  she  came here? So someone else can pay the bills. 
She is not your responsibility nor is her baby. 
Why would you go and stay with her at your dad's when she has him there?
She sounds very self important.

AskAsk

she sounds like a right drama queen.

annetheman

sheramber said:

Money is tight for them, she came here with essentially £0.
Is that the real reason  she  came here? So someone else can pay the bills. 
She is not your responsibility nor is her baby. 
Why would you go and stay with her at your dad's when she has him there?
She sounds very self important.

She says the reason she wants to have the baby here is so it can have dual nationality, being able to travel to family here and in TZ without issue. Also better NHS services - women have babies safely in TZ all the time but UK standards are basically private care standards there and she can't afford private healthcare. To note, her company was very profitable until COVID.

I think she is being selfish but I am not faultless and realise I may be underestimating the significance of this as her first child, and having it alone during a pandemic. All her choices but I feel like if I'm not there for her, no-one else can be; but there is a limit and a lot of what I've said I'd do is actually quite inconvenient for me - it's a 115-mile round trip to dad's.

If we argue about this, I am 100% sure it will lead to bitter resentment for years. I don't think I'm in the wrong so I would just let it be, but her child may suffer from our fractured relationship.

Drawingaline

Why would you leave your property to move in with your dad just because she is pregnant? I assume you are local as you are splitting the time. I wouldn't be spending any nights away from my property and cat, would pop on to see them, but wouldn't be bending over backwards. 

Birth partner is that. Being there as an emotional support during the birth. maybe attending antenatal appointments with her if work commitments allow. And helping out post birth practically and emotionally. That's it. Not putting your life on hold for her. 

And I would only be helping out financially in a small way. If money is tight then she needs to look for second hand items. Anything bar a car seat and mattress are fine second hand and often very well priced, many people like to splash the cash and then realise the item is outgrown/not required very quickly. If you wish to help in a small way financially then maybe set aside a little bit so you can help out with nappies/wipes/clothes etc once the baby arrives. It's amazing how little a new born needs.

However she is your sister, grieving her mother at a time a mother is needed, probably worried about money, missing her husband and all at a time her own hormones are running riot.  Not working is probably not helping as she has time to sit and brood. Tact is definitely needed, but she needs to accept that while you are available for emotional support and are happy to help out with small purchases alongside researching the local second hand market (FB and eb@y are good for this) you won't be leaving your life in order to do this.