Sister thinks I am "unsupportive" of her pregnancy/baby

MrsStepford

Most pregnant women are going to be super-focused on their impending arrival. Having said that, she seems like a right prima donna. NO you are not selfish, to prioritise your own life and cat, over a sister who has chosen to lve abroad.

Are there visa problems ? If mother is British, child can be registered abroad as British and Tanzanian if TZ allows that. Being born in Britain and a child of a non-British mother, won't confer British citizenship on the child. Does in some countries, but not UK. 

You could get her the book and DVD What To Expect When You're Expecting, nice box of chocs and a bottle of non-alcoholic wine. Ocado does a nice Harvey Nichols non-alcoholic sparkling chardonnay for just over a tenner. 

The more you give into her bullying, th more unreasonable she will be. 

sheramber

MrsStepford said:

Most pregnant women are going to be super-focused on their impending arrival. Having said that, she seems like a right prima donna. NO you are not selfish, to prioritise your own life and cat, over a sister who has chosen to lve abroad.

Are there visa problems ? If mother is British, child can be registered abroad as British and Tanzanian if TZ allows that. Being born in Britain and a child of a non-British mother, won't confer British citizenship on the child. Does in some countries, but not UK. 

You could get her the book and DVD What To Expect When You're Expecting, nice box of chocs and a bottle of non-alcoholic wine. Ocado does a nice Harvey Nichols non-alcoholic sparkling chardonnay for just over a tenner. 

The more you give into her bullying, th more unreasonable she will be. 

https://www.gov.uk/apply-citizenship-british-parent/born-on-or-after-1-july-2006

You’re automatically a British citizen if you were born outside the UK and all of the following apply:

• you were born on or after 1 July 2006
• your mother or father was a British citizen when you were born
• your British parent could pass on their citizenship to you

HampshireH

It sounds like there are things going on in TZ that she hasn't disclosed.

I mean she comes with zero funds but can afford a live in home help at home -. Now in a house barely being lived in as the husband is a doctor so will predominantly be at work. What is the home help doing all day.

I cannot comprehend her demands.

Would she do that for you?

I skimmed the six pages so apologies if I misinterpreted

Aranyani

HampshireH said:

It sounds like there are things going on in TZ that she hasn't disclosed.

I mean she comes with zero funds but can afford a live in home help at home -. Now in a house barely being lived in as the husband is a doctor so will predominantly be at work. What is the home help doing all day.

I cannot comprehend her demands.

Would she do that for you?

I skimmed the six pages so apologies if I misinterpreted

I think its the OP's father who is the doctor, not her sister's husband/baby's father.

Savvy_Sue

Plus in some countries 'help' is almost automatic: it's just what you do, and there's nothing like our minimum wage ... 

HampshireH

Aranyani said:

HampshireH said:

It sounds like there are things going on in TZ that she hasn't disclosed.

I mean she comes with zero funds but can afford a live in home help at home -. Now in a house barely being lived in as the husband is a doctor so will predominantly be at work. What is the home help doing all day.

I cannot comprehend her demands.

Would she do that for you?

I skimmed the six pages so apologies if I misinterpreted

I think its the OP's father who is the doctor, not her sister's husband/baby's father.

Ah thanks missed that bit.

HampshireH

Savvy_Sue said:

Plus in some countries 'help' is almost automatic: it's just what you do, and there's nothing like our minimum wage ... 

They get paid surely?

annetheman

HampshireH said:

It sounds like there are things going on in TZ that she hasn't disclosed.

I mean she comes with zero funds but can afford a live in home help at home -. Now in a house barely being lived in as the husband is a doctor so will predominantly be at work. What is the home help doing all day.

I cannot comprehend her demands.

Would she do that for you?

I skimmed the six pages so apologies if I misinterpreted

As above ^ it's dad who's the doctor but my sister's room is 2 floors away from his so I think he could sleep through baby crying - not ideal for a 65 year old but he hasn't complained! I'm sure he'd be happier if she was contributing in some way, though he would never say that...

My sister has now realised she is eligible for maternity pay from the company she works with intermittently during trips back here (she is a nurse who does moonlight shifts when she's here on 2+ month long visits, to keep her licence, which happens around once every 2 years).

The housekeeper works for the business that she owns, and she has a house nearby where the housekeeper helps out, too. I think due to COVID the housekeeper isn't there a lot but would still be there more often than I can be at my dad's!

Her husband has opened a pop up bar since the main business has been so badly hit by travel restrictions and is making enough to keep the lights on, staff on, and food in the fridge, basically. He's keeping them afloat, but I haven't asked her how he felt about her deciding to have the baby here....... 

I think there are some things she hasn't disclosed about life in TZ but I think they have to do with tax, residential status and a whole lot else that I know I don't want to know. She has apologised for calling me selfish and thank goodness her friends have come around to be with her, many of whom are mothers. It's taken a lot of the pressure off me!

I think I can just about get away with once a month visits. We'll see!

Savvy_Sue

HampshireH said:

Savvy_Sue said:

Plus in some countries 'help' is almost automatic: it's just what you do, and there's nothing like our minimum wage ... 

They get paid surely?

Yes, but in many countries the 'help' would be paid very little compared to either our NMW, OR the income of your average expat. In some countries, when you rent accommodation, whatever the cost that's quoted, there's a maid included. It's not seen as an 'extra'. I guess like a concierge in some fancy flats here: if you go for somewhere like that, you can't dispense with the concierge's services, they're included in the price you're quoted. 

And in some countries it's assumed that unless you're absolutely on the breadline, you will have paid help, because it's seen almost as a duty to help those less fortunate than yourselves, a public service. 

I'm not saying it's exactly like that in Tanzania, I don't know. I just wanted to dispel the idea that the OP's sister might have been living in the lap of luxury because she had a housekeeper. 

Really pleased to see the update from the OP, btw. Sister may well have been in 'what have I done???' mode and calmed down a bit now!

annetheman

Savvy_Sue said:

HampshireH said:

Savvy_Sue said:

Plus in some countries 'help' is almost automatic: it's just what you do, and there's nothing like our minimum wage ... 

They get paid surely?

Yes, but in many countries the 'help' would be paid very little compared to either our NMW, OR the income of your average expat. In some countries, when you rent accommodation, whatever the cost that's quoted, there's a maid included. It's not seen as an 'extra'. I guess like a concierge in some fancy flats here: if you go for somewhere like that, you can't dispense with the concierge's services, they're included in the price you're quoted. 

And in some countries it's assumed that unless you're absolutely on the breadline, you will have paid help, because it's seen almost as a duty to help those less fortunate than yourselves, a public service. 

I'm not saying it's exactly like that in Tanzania, I don't know. I just wanted to dispel the idea that the OP's sister might have been living in the lap of luxury because she had a housekeeper. 

Really pleased to see the update from the OP, btw. Sister may well have been in 'what have I done???' mode and calmed down a bit now!

This is a very good explanation, spot on actually. We were not rich, just middle-class growing up in South Africa but had live-in maids our whole lives. Most houses in our neighbourhood had dedicated little houses off the main one which was for live-in help. It's fairly "normal" in parts of Africa, at least the parts I've been to. 

Similarly, my sister lives in the little house and her housekeeper keeps the business, which is conducted in the main house. Having a housekeeper isn't exclusively for the wealthy in TZ, far from it. You can live in what we would consider relative luxury for a fraction of the amount there. I can only hope the disparity has given her perspective on how expensive things are here and why I can't spend spend spend on the baby! My little flat savings could buy a mansion over there!

I think you're absolutely right, she did say exactly those words. "Have I made a huge mistake?"

Guess there's always a reason behind someone's madness..!