Sister thinks I am "unsupportive" of her pregnancy/baby

AnotherJoe

I doubt her child will "suffer" he/she simply wont see much of her Auntie but thats just a consequence of geographical separation.

68ComebackSpecial

annetheman said:

sheramber said:

Money is tight for them, she came here with essentially £0.
Is that the real reason  she  came here? So someone else can pay the bills. 
She is not your responsibility nor is her baby. 
Why would you go and stay with her at your dad's when she has him there?
She sounds very self important.

She says the reason she wants to have the baby here is so it can have dual nationality, being able to travel to family here and in TZ without issue. Also better NHS services - women have babies safely in TZ all the time but UK standards are basically private care standards there and she can't afford private healthcare. 

Total BS. She is no longer resident so she is a "health tourist" - seeking free medical treatment to which she has no entitlement. That's the real reason she has returned to the UK. You can be British and born abroad if you have a parent who is a British citizen - my husband is such a person.

MovingForwards

Her choice to try for a baby, her choice to come over here to have it and leave her husband at home for over a year, her choice to come over with no money.

Your choice to have a cat, your choice to save for a home.

It's not your baby and you shouldn't be expected to pay for it.

You're not being selfish and she can wear gloves when fussing your cat, picking up the poo and then wash her hands afterwards. Many pregnant women have cats and cope day to day.

Do not turn your back on your cat (doesn't seem like you are), your cat will be around when your sister has finished taking everything she can from people and going back home.

Guide her to Facebook, gumtree and other such places to buy things, although I'm not sure how she will get loads of it back home.

Savvy_Sue

The taxoplasmosis seems completely OTT to me: what does she think happens in families where there's already a cat in the household when someone falls pregnant? Yes, you have to be careful, but it's not like Covid, cat sneezes and you're doomed ... 

So this is going to be tricky, however it turns out, I suspect. 

And one concern to me would be that if you are over 100 miles away when she goes into labour, you may not get there in time. 

Plus there are still hospitals where partners (of any kind) are not allowed. Hopefully where she is registered is not in that position. 

So as an outsider, I'd be encouraging her to pick up on any more local support she can access. I'm not suggesting she'll be able to find another birth partner, but at least if she was able to connect with any local mums-to-be then she might be able to discuss concerns and worries - and some of those mums will have already been through this, which can be reassuring. I don't know that any such groups will be meeting face to face (there is dispensation for certain support groups), but worth enquiring. 

It wouldn't be easy, but would writing a letter to her help? Laying out that you know how hard it is with Mum not there to make a fuss, acknowledging that you and Dad aren't able to take her place, apologising if she feels that you're not being supportive (note I'm not saying you're not being supportive ...) and that your own life situation means that you can't do everything she would like you to. Reassuring her how much you love her, how pleased you are that she's having this baby here (because let's face it, when would you be able to see it if she was over there?) etc etc etc. 

But Drawingaline is right, hormones do go all over the place, and logic can fly out of the window. Some people can see this later, if not at the time: has your sister always been a bit melodramatic? 

SootySweep1

Hi
I think your sister needs to check whether she is actually entitled to free NHS Healthcare. An NHS passport doesn't give you automatic entitlement. She could end up being presented with a very large bill !
No, you're not being selfish, its her baby and therefore hers and her husband's responsibility not yours !
Does her husband not intend to be part of all this ?
Jen

annetheman

Savvy_Sue said:

The taxoplasmosis seems completely OTT to me: what does she think happens in families where there's already a cat in the household when someone falls pregnant? Yes, you have to be careful, but it's not like Covid, cat sneezes and you're doomed ... 

And one concern to me would be that if you are over 100 miles away when she goes into labour, you may not get there in time. 

The taxoplasmosis is my one stay-away-from-this-all card, and she brought it up not me - I have to admit I'm going to use it to spend as little time at dad's as possible, at least until baby has been born and she has gotten used to the idea that me not dropping everything in my life to be with her and the baby 24/7 doesn't mean I don't care. I think she will have to get used to this, I will get nowhere trying to convince her.

I did mention the distance a few months ago when she told me her plan. I said I would probably be working (work from home) over an hour's drive away when she goes into labour, but she says it would take hours to have the baby, anyway. I refused to work from my dad's because I have a dual screen/office equipment etc and other things I need to work here and not lugging them all the way.

Dad is a doc and works a lot so he can't help once it's born, and I know she will need help once baby comes. I can't be the resident help though, and I did highlight this to her before she came.

She actually has a live-in housekeeper in TZ so apart from the NHS, there is so much less support for her in the UK than there is in TZ - I initially tried to convince her not to come. Then she got mad at me not supporting her "birth plan"... Hence I mentioned I fully support it (now). I really don't understand, if I'm honest. Writing it out has made me realise what a terrible idea it was.

annetheman

SootySweep1 said:

Hi
I think your sister needs to check whether she is actually entitled to free NHS Healthcare. An NHS passport doesn't give you automatic entitlement. She could end up being presented with a very large bill !
No, you're not being selfish, its her baby and therefore hers and her husband's responsibility not yours !
Does her husband not intend to be part of all this ?
Jen

68ComebackSpecial said:

annetheman said:

sheramber said:

Money is tight for them, she came here with essentially £0.
Is that the real reason  she  came here? So someone else can pay the bills. 
She is not your responsibility nor is her baby. 
Why would you go and stay with her at your dad's when she has him there?
She sounds very self important.

She says the reason she wants to have the baby here is so it can have dual nationality, being able to travel to family here and in TZ without issue. Also better NHS services - women have babies safely in TZ all the time but UK standards are basically private care standards there and she can't afford private healthcare. 

Total BS. She is no longer resident so she is a "health tourist" - seeking free medical treatment to which she has no entitlement. That's the real reason she has returned to the UK. You can be British and born abroad if you have a parent who is a British citizen - my husband is such a person.

Not sure how it works but she is British, no TZ citizenship but she has a "right to remain" there because she's married to a Tanzanian. I believe she still is entitled to NHS without charge but the onus is on her to check - I certainly can't help out if a huge bill shows up one day!

It was more to do with the child getting a passport over here etc etc. I don't know - whatever her reason, I'm starting to realise coming here was a really bad idea. She's going to find herself feeling really alone, and make us all feel guilty for it, if I know her.

elsien

annetheman said:

Mrsn said:

Out of interest how long ago did your mum pass away? I don’t doubt that will be having some impact but what she’s expecting is completely unreasonable!

2012 - but I completely understand (because I've experienced it) it is at the most significant moments - graduation, first relationship, first baby, marriage etc that you totally feel the loss of our mum more. Our mum was a HUGE character and she would be very, very excited about this grandchild.

I will admit that I am not particularly excited, I don't know why - I have no desire to have children myself and can't help but notice she never asks about my life, my house purchase, or anything else going on. It's always about her and her baby, constantly - I get it, it's a big deal for her so I feel terrible admitting that it bores me. I don't really want to see 50 pictures of baby socks on a daily basis.

The taxoplasmosis is actually a perfect get-out card for me because it means I don't feel like I *have* to be there - but then I'm not sure if that is selfish of me, as she is here alone, essentially.

She’s not alone. She’s with her father. And you, as and when. If she wanted more support she could have had her baby in Tanzania with her husband. 

Aranyani

So your sister expected that as soon as she arrived back in the UK, you would drop everything and change your life so that it completely revolved around her and her new baby?

She is almost certainly not entitled to free NHS treatment unless she intends to stay here permanently, she'll probably get away with it though. 

AskAsk

i think she is entitled to NHS treatment for pregnancy according to this link, but only if she has not travelled to the UK specifically to use the NHS. as she has family over here, they will believe she isn't simply here for the pregnancy i guess.

 https://www.gov.uk/guidance/nhs-entitlements-migrant-health-guide#:~:text=Hospital treatment is free to,owning property in the UK .