Money Moral Dilemma: Should I still send a present if I'm not invited to the wedding?

MSE_Kelvin

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

My niece was originally due to have a large wedding in June, and we'd accepted an invitation. I'm not close to her, but I am to her dad (my brother). Due to the pandemic, they've decided to get married just before Christmas with 15 close family members. I'm now not invited - so I'm not sure what the present-sending etiquette is.

Unfortunately the MSE team can't always answer money moral dilemma questions as contributions are often emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value.

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74jax

I have no idea why we still get Moral Dilemmas when we don't get the full story or can ask anything further.

JGB1955

Just send them a card... and bung them £500 and be thankful that you've saved half of that in hotel/taxi/wedding clothes/buying a round of drinks at the 'free' bar..

Spendless

I'd send it. To not do so risks upsetting the relationship you have with your brother. As said, a present will still be cheaper than the expenses you'd incurr in attending and even if you're not currently close to your Neice, that may change in later life when she thinks how touched she was that her Auntie/Uncle still thought about her when she married in different circs to anticipated.

* Not that there was any point at all writing that above. The person concerned probably never even sees these things. I might as well as told my dog my thoughts and I'd have got more interest. Still typing it occupies me during lockdown even if only for a couple of minutes. 

tacpot12

The normal present sending etiquette is to send a present even if you can't attend.

MSE_Kelvin

Spendless said:

I'd send it. To not do so risks upsetting the relationship you have with your brother. As said, a present will still be cheaper than the expenses you'd incurr in attending and even if you're not currently close to your Neice, that may change in later life when she thinks how touched she was that her Auntie/Uncle still thought about her when she married in different circs to anticipated.

* Not that there was any point at all writing that above. The person concerned probably never even sees these things. I might as well as told my dog my thoughts and I'd have got more interest. Still typing it occupies me during lockdown even if only for a couple of minutes. 

Hey @Spendless,

Where possible we send a link to the forum thread to the person who suggested the Money Moral Dilemma, as well as links to where it's posted on the MoneySavingExpert Facebook and Twitter pages, so they can see the responses.

So fear not, your writing isn't in vain   

Stay safe,

MSE Kelvin

Aranyani

If you cared about her enough that you would have gone to the bigger wedding, then yes send a card and present.  Its not like its a snub to not invite you, its the law! 

elsien

It's family. You do things for family that you mightn't do for other people so it doesn't really matter what other people think the etiquette is. 
Do what you would have done if you'd been attending and send them something they would like and you can afford. It's a gesture to show that you are thinking about them, even if it's only a token gift and card. 

sassyblue

Ignore etiquette and send a present for your brother's sake, if not the happy couple themselves. 

CapricornLass

Send the present.  There never was anything in the rules to say that people who attend the ceremony are the only ones who can send a present.  I received a lot of presents from people who weren't and did not expect to attend my wedding ceremony or the bun-fight afterwards.  And that was forty years ago.

ljcrighton

No. Take a present when you get to visit them