Money Moral Dilemma: Should I stop putting my brother's name on gifts we buy?

andyt999

Zsoltmeister said:

You can't ask that question here because no one has enough information to answer.

For all anyone here knows the brother pays his elderly parents' mortgage but is crap at remembering birthdays and anniversaries while OP buys £5 trinkets on special occasions but contributes nothing else for the rest of the year.

Lots of people are plenty generous when it's actually needed but are just too busy to remember about their niece's cousin's first communion.  

Hi Zsoltmeister, hate to be a pedant but they can ask that question here. Also there is no mention of communion gifts, the post specifically refers to birthday gifts. 

JayD

How about talking to your brother about this instead of bleating to a group of total strangers?

You clearly have a grievance which appears to be totally justified, so why not discuss it with him? He's your brother!

cwc1899

Yes! But you must tell him of your intention and he has enough time to make his choice. Even if he leaves it to the last minute and buys something rubbish.
Ask him “Are you going to contribute or do you want to do your own thing? If he says he’ll contribute “Okay, but I need the money ‘up-front’. If he doesn’t suggest he puts money in a card. The classic cop-out!
It’s a bloke thing...

Emerion

andyt999 said:

Hi it sounds like you need to sit down with your brother and discuss how family birthday gifts are going to work for both of you going forward. Clearly you're not happy and feel like you're getting the smelly end of the stick. Maybe you could find a neutral space to have a conversation, explain that you've been on the money saving expert forum and someone advised you should have a conversation in a neutral space. Tell him how you really feel, maybe give some examples where he has not contributed but his name was on the gift tag indicating that he had contributed. There could be a reason why he is not able to contribute, maybe he is in financial difficulties possibly with a gambling problem, maybe he is a jehovas witness and no longer celebrates birthdays, maybe he donates privately to charity but is too humble to mention it, maybe he spends all his spare cash on rhubarb and custard hard boiled sweets. If you don't want to discuss this with him then maybe a better idea would be to stop giving gifts at birthdays, whilst this would be a major change to enforce upon society as a whole it is easily explainable and I'm sure everyone would understand. Maybe take an ad out in a newspaper stating from 1st of next month all giving of birthday gifts are forbidden. You don't say what happens at Christmas but maybe this is covered in a seperate post? I hope you find a solution, I would favour not giving gifts at all as it is my brothers birthday soon and he has demanded a very expensive pen which I can't afford but my siblings are insisting we club together. 

Andy, if you can’t afford it, you shouldn’t be handing over the cash. Tell them this, tell them what you can afford to give. If they (and he) are going to chuck their toys out over a gift that will make your financial situation tighter, their priorities are all wrong. To be honest, even if you just don’t want to give that much because it seems a ludicrous extravagance, that’s your right as well, but maybe more diplomatic to put up with it, depending on your family relationship. But, absolutely not if you’re skint. 

sclare

I don't understand why you give gifts jointly anyway. I don't know any adult brothers and sisters who do this. As someone else said, you're not husband and wife. 
Tell him the arrangement is over and you're buying your own from now on.

And while you're at it remind him how much he owes you. 

Bonnypitlad

Duh!, I didn’t realise these are “hypothetical questions “, I thought they were genuine moral dilemmas 
But
How old is your hypothetical brother?
If 18+ let him stand on his own feet and stop pretending he is contributing to the gift

annieshb

Is this really a “ moral dilemma” ?
you know your brother isn’t going to pay so you either keep adding his name accepting that fact of stop.
really more about what type of relationship you want with him.

justacleaner

If you're happy to do it,fine,if it gives you stress, stop.

jg2020

Yes!!  Why put any effort into something when someone else is prepared to, and you can still take all the credit!!  He’s  not a child. You say he’s earning, so I’m assuming he is able. Stop mothering  him, and make stand on his own 2 feet.

Mike_from_Croydon

If he doesn't remember and doesn't contribute, it sounds as if he doesn't care about birthdays.  As most people say, you ought to discuss it with him, but it seems odd for you to be buying presents on behalf of both of you anyway.