First Steps to Solvency

QueenJess

Alt, that isn’t true - but it does sound like you are suffering from depression. I am struggling myself too, all be it mildly.

I would make sure you get some help/support. I am no expert, but something I just always did as a child was to find something to look forward to everyday. It can be something tiny like a nice cup of coffee, watching your favourite TV programme or whatever. Look for something everyday that you can do and doesn’t have to be exciting and go from there.

One thing I find helpful is meeting up with people (eg DHs friends or whatever just for a walk). Maybe you can do something with your wife, son, sons friend and his parents or even your wife’s parents. Again it doesn’t have to be anything big and exciting, but interaction with other people does make me feel better, stops me losing perspective and becoming self absorbed.

Don’t forget all you’ve achieved. I can’t begin to imagine how difficult it has been to stay clean. You’re doing amazing.

alt80

@RelievedSheff you know what I mean. 

@QueenJess sorry to hear you are suffering hopefully better times ahead. I’ve tried the one thing a day, calendar etc idk worked for a little bit tbf. Rn this whole recovery thing just seems miserable especially now we’re not in lockdown with no sight of another one. Best mate in Ibiza with his student girlfriend, wife going out tonight and tomorrow and I can’t go into my own office on a Friday to work in case I !!!!!! up. Really am starting to wonder what the !!!!!! point is rn. All is forgiven Boris just bring the !!!!!! lockdown back lol.

RelievedSheff

Why don't you and your wife have a night out?

You have to start living again. Give yourself something to look forward too.

You have cut too many things out that you enjoyed at once and have not replaced them. No wonder you are feeling so down. You need to have something to look forward too in your life.

Grumpelstiltskin

Alt whose fault is it that your wife is going out without you?

I'm sure she would like you to have a night out with her, a concert, play, film etc.

You have got to stop feeling sorry for yourself, only you can make that first move.

ladyholly

Nights out do not necessarily mean you have to drink. I very rarely drink if I am out but can still enjoy good company and atmosphere. Cinemas are good as many don't have bars and they can be avoided in theatres. You do need to find out of work activities to help your mental health.

alt80

I know I was !!!!!! it for myself how I was carrying on before Covid tbh almost lost it completely a few times so I can’t go back know that much but it’s getting a 100% more difficult now everyone is out enjoying life. Tbh hope if I tell myself I don’t want to spend, go out, drive or whatever enough times I’ll start believing it ha.

Cherryfudge

So if the default going-out options are fraught with temptations, surely there must be alternatives? ladyholly's point about cinemas often not having a bar is a good one. If you can't do it for your own sake, take the family out for their sakes.

It will be hard but at the moment I feel there is some confusion between going out and going-out-drinking or otherwise putting yourself in the line of fire. I can understand that in your current state of mind you feel more vulnerable, but perhaps the way out for you is to pick your way carefully through occasional things that either will entertain your family or that you might once have enjoyed for their own sake. Just stopping doing social things isn't the answer. You may be justifying it because you feel you deserve punishment but punishing yourself is not constructive. It's like digging out all the weeds but not planting flowers, if you'll forgive a gardening analogy. What you plan now will be an example for your son to follow so when he has children, he can pass on what he sees from you. Otherwise, however good his grandfather's example, he will think those are roles for a grandad, not a dad.

So do it for their sakes if you can't do it for yours. I do second what others are saying, though. This does sound as though it's depression, in which case get yourself the medical help you need. It's a physical thing as well as a mental thing which is one reason that toughing it out isn't the best option.

stymied

@alt80 did you try CBT already?

crunchy_time

Can you create some sort of Friday ritual that doesn’t involve any temptation? A walk? Drinking non alcoholic stuff instead?

alt80

@Cherryfudge I’m not saying it’s the best thing, just can’t deal with it rn. Stopped the Friday lunches last one we did I was really struggling wanted to drink and stay out and what that inevitably leads to. Didn’t but every time but a few times when I’ve been out it’s nothing but a massive battle and just not worth it. Try to tell myself it’s normal but I know it’s not. Can just about forget about it when I’m working and that’s about the only time. Today the sun is out here, Friday evening so everyone is on it and I’m on my own at home with my list of work I can do this evening and tomorrow to take my mind off it for a bit.

Tbh my parents didn’t really take my sister and I out as kids we did jobs for them or did our own thing, he gets out a lot more than we did apart from holidays and a trip to London once a year we didn’t go anywhere so really he’s quite lucky.

@stymied I have and like a lot of these things it’s no !!!!!! use when in the wrong state of mind in the first place ha or that’s what I’ve found tbh same with dealing with anger alright until you’re actually angry lol. 

@crunchy_time I tried this with the lunches seemed like a nice idea and it just didn’t work.