First Steps to Solvency

satchmo1

@alt80 you are continuing to make great progress, and so are your son and wife, so give each other a bit pat on the back.
On that theme, it may be useful to say a gratitude before meals - each person finding at least one thing that was good from their day. It can be as small as I saw some lovely snowdrops today. Or, I am grateful for this food and a safe place to eat it.

enthusiasticsaver

The positive thing about us being in March now is that Spring is almost upon us and hopefully better weather.  Maybe make some weekend plans to get out and about.  I do sympathise re the mental health decline when your wife overspent.  I have been there too, not probably to the extent that you have but over the years my DH managed to scupper budgets and throw our finances into chaos and did it quite unknowingly.  There are people who monitor their money and cashflow and others who live on a wing and a prayer  and really don't worry about the minutiae of money coming in and going out.  The only way we sorted it in the end was for him and I both to have personal spends account and an extraction of a promise from him he would not  spend from the joint account first without checking the balance and forthcoming bills/expenses to come from it. In reality that means he hardly ever spends from the joint account now. Glad you and the accountant on the same page. 

alt80

Thanks all 

Today is notice how you speak to yourself and chose kind words. Ha not the easiest for me, something I definitely struggle with tbt I don't like myself though have learned the more I dislike myself the more I choose to do destructive things that harm myself and those around me. Taken a lot of therapy to get here and still some days I'm not sure it's worth it when I'm really struggling with negative thoughts and I know how I could alleviate that for a few hours at least. However I know this is progress, not spending money to an extent it jeopardises my future and the future of my family is progress and not trying to !!!!!! with my brain chemistry is too. Going to try to say I'm making progress today and anyone on here choosing to improve your life should too. Times are !!!!!! awful rn, I didn't think I'd see war like this in my lifetime and every one of us here can at least find gratitude in not facing what Ukraine is rn. Tbh I think we can actually be grateful we aren't facing what Russia is either; the population doesn't make the decisions and the sanctions they are facing will be devastating too. At it stands rn we are lucky here to not be under any immediate threat free to go about our daily lives and look towards self improvement. @satchmo1 Thank you; I'm going to take that on board. Tbh I want my son to grow up to be a better person than I am and him being able to see beyond his own bs and that he has things to be thankful for I think is important.

@Humdinger1 Some of the more destructive things I was doing and had been to some extent throughout my adult life were coping mechanisms tbh didn't realise it at the time of course. 

@enthusiasticsaver I'm starting to see all kinds of signs of spring in my garden and around me. My trees and shrubs are starting to blossom and we have snowdrops and daffodils. They have grown here for years but I've never paid any attention to them. If you'd have told me I'd have cared about what was in my garden a few years back even start of last year I'd have dismissed it but it's one of my few moments of peace and something we can enjoy as a family. Lot to thank people on here for.

I needed time to think about my wife's own spending, discuss it with her and how to deal with it away from here. Tbh it's really not been easy she knows she is struggling too. Lot of nights in February we both felt so ill (mentally) that we just went to bed rather than do anything we'd later regret. Both of us have always placed far too much emphasis on things and the means to obtain things. I'm glad we are in the position we are in terms of earning well for where we live but we've both spent our lives making ourselves ill placing far too much value in the acquisition of things. Not going to say I've turned into some kind of saint overnight; I'm not I still like nice things and I still like nice things too much but I am at least aware of it and how its affected my life. We have chosen to deal with it by the majority of cards being out of day to day reach and having swapped our previous everyday spends card from amex which there still are a few places which don't accept so feel obliged to carry a second card or I always have to barclaycard which is attached to our bank account app anyway. We are losing out on a few points with not using amex but tbh I don't think that's the end of the world. I have got a personal card back in my wallet which did need to happen really. I couldn't spend any money unless it was a business expense for quite a lot of months and tbf whilst I think it was something I needed to do I don't think it was the way forward for the rest of time. I know a lot on here prefer the separate spends pots. I know had she an opportunity to go back in time she wouldn't have chosen to make a life with me and I haven't always been good to her but if we don't find trust and respect for each other now we won't find it; we discussed the separate spends and neither of us really felt it was in the spirit of what we are aiming to work towards for us, appreciate it works for others in a trusting relationship.

enthusiasticsaver

I know you don’t give yourself much credit but you really should for how far you have progressed both mentally and financially. That post above is wonderful to read given how much we all tried to tell you acquiring and valuing things above peace of mind and financial security was the wrong way to go. I hope your wife gets on board and you work through it together however you choose to do it. 

SusieT

You really should be kinder to yourself, you are working damned hard to get through the addiction, plus working hard to provide a really good lifestyle for your wife and son.  Sure your wife "may" have married her unicorn footballer expecting a life of parties, unlimited spending, lots of sparkley gifts etc - BUT - what if the next greatest thing had a career ending injury and he found it hard to get another career? what if the magical unicorn turned out to be a donkey with a pinecone on its head and ended up as a part timer at a local club? what if the unicorn was a gambler, blew everything betting and went bankrupt? what if she ended up with someone controlling and violent behind closed doors? I guarantee she would then be looking at you and whoever you had married instead, thinking I wish I had married someone as good as Mr Alt, look at the life he has built for his family.   You are not perfect, she is not perfect (nobody is perfect), but you are doing the best you can and for that you need to give yourself a big pat on the back. If you can both work with the professionals, and you can keep going as superbly as you have to date, then you will get through the less easy times. 

Amber1980

Brilliant post Alt it’s good to see you back regularly,I have followed your journey and there’s definitely some similarities in our lives.
Being sober is the best thing I’ve ever done, I still struggle sometimes with low mood and self doubt etc but lately things are good,it really sounds like you’re getting to the other side of a very hard patch and you have done it without resorting to past habits, I know you’re not good at seeing it but it’s seriously impressive and you should try and give yourself a huge pat on the back!
One day at a time,you’re doing great 😊

Amber1980

Love what SusieT said!!!

RelievedSheff

You are doing brilliantly Alt. Good to see that you are in a better frame of mind and that your wife is also turning a corner. 

You are right in that we should all take a moment and be grateful for what we have and be grateful that we are not in the position of those in both Ukraine and Russia. This isn't their war. 

alt80

Thanks all, looking forward to a quiet weekend ahead tbh, this week work has been particularly busy and had a couple of staff off so been difficult to come away from it. 

warby68

Morning @alt80, good to see you back and your very considered posts. I understand you and Mrs alt need to work things out your own way and that there is sometimes an element of disconnect between that and the advice you get. Nonetheless its so good to see you haven't fallen off the wagon and are still together working through a very tough time.

I'm probably a little more pro-work than some posters. Its a safe haven for you so I think its natural you spend more time on it when the personal going gets tough. Now you don't let the balance with family slide too far and largely protect your weekends, I think immersing yourself in work during the week may well be ok as a key thing in keeping you on the right path. Its where you get your best sense of achievement and we need that when the going is otherwise tough.

You've really got the count your blessings thing this year too. Last year you 'knew' it but didn't particularly feel it. This year you're feeling it, the garden, your security etc

You've come such a long way and I hope you can start to give yourself some credit for that soon