First Steps to Solvency

stymied

Sounds like it’s time to try the gp again for some support in case what you’re experiencing at the moment is actually depression.

poppy811

Totally agree, don’t be afraid to ask for help

alt80

Thanks all. Valentines came and went yesterday without too much fuss. Did wind up spending a bit on nice flowers and a fragrance she wanted, managed to keep away from the jewellery at least fml. Tbh coming to terms with the reality I won’t be able to give her an unlimited lifestyle is killing me. I am under the guidance of the professionals and glad in a way that I’ve managed to look through things in a more sane frame of mind and plan for the coming years and future - it was needed, but I suppose it’s reality hitting me !!!!!! hard. Had I remained in the position I was I don’t think things would be so rosy rn and I realise how much that stuff !!!!!! with my head and tbh looking back think I’ve been lucky to have the wake up when I did. That’s not to say I’m not grateful for what I have - I am and I know it’s a lot more than most but I’ve spent so many years propping myself up. Not easy knowing if she’d have known I wouldn’t have been able to provide her with the lifestyle she wanted she wouldn’t have chosen to stick with me. I’ve had to explain I’m doing the best I can in business it’s not a simple case of I could take more to suit what she wants - have to keep the ship afloat and staff wages before I can begin to look at taking more myself. Maybe one day there will be some light at the end of the tunnel - I’m not just talking repaying my debts and having a greater amount of disposable or greater retained / whatever. How I am rn probably what I deserve I know

RelievedSheff

You have to stop thinking that the world revolves around your wife and what she wants.

enthusiasticsaver

I am glad to see that over the last year you are pleased with where you are and that you have managed to turn things around both financially and in terms of managing  your addiction and being grateful for what you have.  

I am not sure from what you have written whether it is  you feeling bad for not giving your wife a certain lifestyle or  whether it is her wearing you down with demands for luxury goods or whatever it is she thinks she needs.  Either way it is very damaging for your mental health to constantly feel you are not good enough or not doing well enough.  Failure and success are all relative because they mean different things to  different people.  You have a great salary, the debt situation is under control, you have a nice house, nice cars and are a successful businessman.  In many peoples eyes you are someone to aspire to so you have to ask why your wife, your life partner, the one who should have your back above all others is the one dragging you down and making you feel you are a failure and she is sorry she stayed with you.  I do not know what the pros are advising but this is a damaging relationship to be in and I think you need to be honest with her about what you want going forward and how she makes you feel when she says these things.   

theoretica

You mentioned that years ago your current house was your aspiration - but that changed once you had it.  I bet something similar has happened with your wife and the house/life/budgets you now have are much closer to what she wanted when you met than what she now thinks she wants.

Grumpelstiltskin

After the 2 recent high profile stories about Premier League footballers you wonder why your wife still aspires to be with a footballer.

So she would be happy with someone who is happy to abuse a defenseless animal or sexually assault  her. ?

crunchy_time

The whole ‘could have been with a footballer’ thing baffles me. I mean did she get any offers from any of them? What is this based on? Has she done a poll? Was she hanging around with footballers before she met you? Does she deem herself to be in that league of women that are more capable of bagging a footballer based on their looks? Just curious.

Im trying to imagine how a similar situation would play out in my house if I was to constantly say to my husband (who is highly successful in what he does, didn’t go to uni but now earns £82k a year in IT) ‘could have married a rich land owner/or CEO…… but instead I had to settle for you.’  That’s basically what she is saying. I had no offers from landowners or CEOs for that matter just for the record.

But I can’t imagine ever saying that to him because it’s so awful.

What’s the point in the relationship if you constantly not even think that you could do better, but say it out loud with the sole purpose of berating your partner into practically killing themselves to provide a lifestyle for you that is impossible to achieve?

Im not an expert but from the sound of it she has massive self esteem issues of her own which need to be addressed. I pity her. It’s like she is trapped in her own cycle of shame and she is bringing you down with it.

I know she is a great mum and she is pretty and funny and I bet she has a great body etc but you deserve someone who is proud of you as well and 100% behind you rather than making you feel rubbish all the time. And actually loves you for you and not what they think that you can buy for them.

I really am glad that she has agreed to get help about her behaviour as well. That is the missing piece of this jigsaw. Imagine how much progress you would make if she was 100% behind you? 

Again, I’m not an expert in this area but I’m sure footballers would require their wives to be supportive considering how disruptive football makes their lives. Constantly berating them for not being one of the elite in the premier league and earning the mega bucks would not wash well and she wouldn’t last long. The footballers that seem the richest to me are those that also have successful wives - the beckhams, the Rooneys etc. 

Im sure footballers have budgets and I’m pretty sure that Elon musk doesn’t have all his billions just sitting in the bank ready to cover unlimited shopping sprees. 

Well done for battling through those difficult dark days. Better days are coming for you. 

Bargainhunter30

I would imagine Mrs Alt has had a rough few years and it's going to take time for her to believe things won't go back to how they were. She probably feels bad because she believes she could have had a better life. And I'm sure her life would have been different if she hadn't fallen for Alt. Life with an addict must be extremely hard and she deserves some kindness. The same as Alt has received kindness for all the positive changes he has made. We only hear one side of the story here and I'm sure Alt has offered insults towards her too.

With therapy you will both get through this and stop hurting each other with your words and actions. You are obviously a strong, caring couple if you have got through this much. Mrs Alt has changed so much already. Its hard not to lash out with hurtful words if you're having a tough time. In a few years you will have made so many family memories that you won't feel as regretful of the bad times you went through. You will make it up to your family if you carry on going in the right direction x

warby68

I'm sorry you're once again struggling so much with your self esteem in the context of your wife. Clearly that's the big thing to work on this year and it will take both of you. I hope Mrs Alt follows through with her own counselling because she seems to hold the key at the moment. It doesn't really matter what what we or the pros or anyone else says, its she that needs to be able to let you off the financial hook which is tormenting you. 


Keep on keeping on for now.