First Steps to Solvency

woahsoah

Me and your wife would really not get on. She knows the drill doesn't she? or has she forgotten?

You're doing great but she keeps pulling you back into this "im not good enough" frame of mind. If I had a wife constantly wanting to buy things I shouldn't (in the grand scheme of things) or couldn't buy I'd feel totally the same way.

The adult response is for her to either a) leave and find a footballer b) get a job and pay for it c) shut up and appreciate what she has (considering she has done !!!!!! all to get it).

In the new alt80 world, there is no d) take on more credit card debt to fund my wife's inferiority complex

Sorry to be harsh, I re-read all of the above but I'm going to post it anyway as I think you're doing great.

enthusiasticsaver

I think you are doing great and I agree with the above post. It is not nice of your wife to keep saying these things to you. I wouldn’t dream of saying that to my DH and similarly he wouldn’t to me. It triggers your inferiority complex and shows her insecurity. I would have to tell her either to go and find herself a richer man or shut up and it definitely would not make me want to buy her stuff. Someone needs to be the strong one and at the moment it appears to be you even with your triggers. 

RelievedSheff

I think at some point in the not too distant future it is going to be time to sit down with your wife and have a proper talk about this.

She can not carry on with the putting you down. It is not fair to you. It has to stop.

I think that you have come far enough with your recovery to now start to help her. She needs help also.

satchmo1

Putting someone down (as your wife does) does not build them up, it just increases both people's pain. However, in trying to understand her behaviour I wondered - does she feel unimportant/invisible because she doesn't have a "job"? 

When a wife has some underlying issues which she is unable to express freely, it often comes out as disrespect towards the spouse. Does she acknowledge the huge steps forward you have made? 

Tell her you are invested in the health of your relationship. Ask her if she can identify specific issues that you and she could work on together. Be prepared to praise even the smallest step forward. Be prepared to praise often. 

How would you deal with an employee who was disrespectful? (oh, and the option of sacking them isn't on the table!)

You have made great progress, well done. Be prepared to praise yourself often!

Purplelady65

Alt80 - We've had limited sessions tbh my Mrs never really engaged with any of it, my problem not hers etc. She does it with the sole intention of winding me up I know. I'm also aware she's disappointed in herself she stuck with me and didn't take a chance to find someone better. Something I have to live with but generally we're good together and have things to look forward to although I have had to come to terms I certainly can't rn and not sure I ever will be able to provide her with the lifestyle she would like to have. Don't think I ever am going to be ok with that I'd certainly like to be able to provide her with all she wants but just not possible now, ultimately I'm not good enough !!!!!! at business as she says. Gone through a lot to get just to where I am part of me actually quite proud of what I've built but always going to be sad I can't give her everything.

I still find it surprising that you both have such an old fashioned attitude - that the man is the provider in a couple. I’m older than you and I honestly do not know anyone who hasn’t worked or would expect their other half to provide a lifestyle and then complain when they didn’t consider it to be at a high enough level! I’m the paragraph above you are taking responsibility for everything. What’s your wife’s part in it? You work incredibly hard and your wife knows this. It’s probably not about what you earn at all. It’s what she says but it comes from a place of provocation as she knows it will hurt you and that’s what you could explore in couples therapy. What is she really angry, unhappy or resentful about? 

RelievedSheff

I think PurpleLady has hit it on the head. 

Relationships are something that you work on together as  couple. Yours is (from the outside looking in) very one sided. You are doing all the work, you are earning all the money, you are putting in all of the effort.

What does your wife bring to the table? What is her part in the Relationship?

Time for you both to reconsider your parts.

Sun_Addict

I can’t understand why your wife won’t work, even if it was just part time, I’m sure it would help with her self confidence. It would drive me nuts. I would hate not earning my own money. 

RelievedSheff

Sun_Addict said:

I can’t understand why your wife won’t work, even if it was just part time, I’m sure it would help with her self confidence. It would drive me nuts. I would hate not earning my own money. 

It isn't even about the money for me. It is having a purpose. 

I would hate sitting around all day with nothing to do. It drove me mad having three days off work sick at the beginning of this week 😕

strawb_shortcake

I'm pretty sure she does the cleaning for the business offices, and at home to what sounds a pretty high standard plus gardening and washing the cars.
I'm not sure we could suggest Mrs Alt is a lazy SAHM. 

[Deleted User]

I have dipped in to this thread from time to time out of curiosity. To be honest it used to wind me up, because it seemed to be that your financial issues, compared to those of others, were minimal considering your income. You simply had to spend less, sell some of your unnecessary assets and clear the debt. Unfortunately, you were held back by deep seated psychological issues and, to be frank, the wife from hell. 
However, I do respect the fact that you have made considerable effort and sacrifice to move forward and need to be commended for that. I am still amused by some of the figures you mention for such things as decorating, but that's me.
I am fortunate that I manage to live a full life with the need of a full time soul mate. To be honest the wife is holding you back. I just wouldn't put up with such a person. I simply wouldn't!
Maybe time to consider if you would be better off in all ways going it alone.