First Steps to Solvency

getmore4less

Looks like the wife has found new Instagram pages.

Is doing the room is more for her than your son, 

Did she ask him what changes he wants?
(are there any needs for that room )

if any sort of theme that will change he will grow up.

The good is it there has been a budget  for the make over so that can be worked on to make it sensible.
It's not a yes/no it' something to work on with the son to get what he wants over what he needs.

Remember this was not in the current 2022 plan, there is no magic money tree, needs to come from somewhere that needs to be part of the discussion how much of her budgeted items will she be giving up to make it happen.

This is not just your job to work out its a sit down together job.

In the distant past it probably would have just gone ahead and you would have never know the total.

How old is the stuff in there once into a full sized bed that should be it till they leave home, maybe one mattress change.

I suspect his room is bigger than ours but with a quick think to deck out a bedroom from scratch


£200 redecorate materials(that from scratch including rollers etc)
£500 new flooring 
£100 new lighting
£300 school work desk and shelves etc.
£1k   new bed
£2k   wardrobes etc.
£500 bedding and window coverings

£5k should do it and that is decent stuff, looking at sales and alternatives to bring the costs down

I have just looked back at what we have in our 2 main rooms.
Mattress both in a furniture village sale 2004
£600 Tempur still great.
£500 vi-spring guest so still like new.

£1,650 Bed and wardrobe set, Nolte  showroom display sale1995 its moved to this house.
£700 inc van to move a second hand set much later

Still have the 1992 brochure over £3k new(RRP) for those sets.

These are a bed with overhead and extensions,  two double wardrobes, a corner unit, the second hand came with an extra single robe and a chest

a bit like(different range) 

RelievedSheff

Being able to recognise what is triggering your thoughts and recognise when you need help is a sign of just how far you have come.

Well done. You are doing great. 

I hope your wife understood as well. 

enthusiasticsaver

£12k for a childs bedroom is a bit ridiculous unless it is  huge and new fitted cupboards going in.  I think again sometimes your wife suffers through having too much time on her hands and going onto IG or pin interest or whatever when she thinks of these projects.  When was your sons room last done and does it need a full refurb or just redecoration.  You need to both talk about this and come to a compromise if it really does need doing and it is not just her being bored and needing a project. 

ladyholly

Was the budget your wife came up with a result of your temporary disconnect with your family and her thinking you gad gone back to your old ways? You dont need to answer just have a think.

You are doing well to recognise your trigger point and do something about it. You have come such a long way.

Kakiste

alt80 said:

 I just want to be able to provide well for my family but having took that step back I wonder if that's as much about providing a dose of realism rather than just finding money all the time. 

You absolutely have hit the nail on the head with this. You're shaping your son's life expectations and understanding of adult life. He is so unlikely to be in the position of endless unlimited wealth as an adult. He needs to have a childhood where he is looked after and does have occasional treats but also grows an understanding of the value of items and the value of money. 12K on a bedroom would ruin him. I literally don't know a single adult who has ever spent that on their own bedroom (let alone a child's one) If he grows up thinking that those sums and that IG style spending is normal, he will be deeply unhappy when reality hits. 

Purplelady65

It’s really good that you recognise what triggers you and working on it so it doesn’t become anything more serious than a couple of days maybe retreating to your office and not feeling great. I agree with the OPs that £12k is a huge amount to spend on an 8 year olds bedroom. That is more than a lot of people will spend on their kitchens. Also if you’re spending a lot on furniture you’d then be paranoid about him ruining it. You could probably kit out his room in modern furniture from ikea which would see him easily into his teenage years. This would withstand any knocks, bumps etc particularly when he gets older and has mates around and they’re maybe in his bedroom. Has your son been asked what he’d like his bedroom to look like or has your wife planned it out? Please try to remember your role in the family is not to provide unlimited amounts of cash! 

theoretica

This brings back memories - though I was a bit older than Alt's son - I decided I wanted to change my room.  So my parents asked what I wanted, took me to buy a couple of tins of paint, pointed out I knew where the brushes and old sheets were and left me to get on with it.  It was educational - especially about living with things that are done as well as you did them.  We also went shopping for a duvet cover and to a used furniture warehouse for a couple of bits with my mother visibly biting her lip when I chose things that were not to her taste! 

warby68

So you had a trigger, sought help,  faced it, didn't relapse other than office hiding and are talking a lot of sense about the trigger? I hope you know how well you're doing.

Curious how it came to be that wife produced a £12k spending plan. She obviously still has a way to go in understanding what realistic spend levels are for things and that the magic money tree has been chopped down. When you do start with home improvements it may be that you have to set the budget and she works to it not that she comes with up with a spending plan and you try to cover it. She may never truly get the numbers now she's got to mid thirties without having to to earn or budget and you may need a compromise solution that works for you. She also needs to be busier (a recurring theme)

Glad you've managed to talk about it with her and hope she understands, particularly the adverse effect it has on you. 

You've nailed it when you say your job is to educate your son and not to provide unlimited funds because that's all you think you can offer.

It must be so tough when your pressure is all essentially from within but you're definitely making a lot of progress - make sure you see that for the achievement it is.

alt80

Day 229

Another good day today, stuck to the plan and had a really nice evening with my family. Off to bed after writing this, have been getting to bed at a half reasonable time and not putting myself under pressure to sleep - taking the it happens when it happens approach. 

Didn't get in touch with old friends for obvious reasons but I did take it as an opportunity to touch base with a couple of former staff who left a while back. Right sort of people I'd love back but tbh I'm aware one at least left in part due to the culture within my business at the time. Took a while for me to see that tbf and some things have changed a little around here. Unfortunately it means one of my longest standing employees is getting a bit restless and I am aware he is looking for another job whether idly or seriously I don't quite know. He still works well but a part of me wouldn't be upset if he does find a new role and perhaps it'll be the making of him. 

@mark55man ha thanks mate. 

School friends; my sister lives not that far from my parents' last place in the uk and still meets up with her mates from school from time to time. 

alt80

Thanks all re son's room sorry too whacked for a proper response but the room; it's fine. I had it fitted out with the same fixed bedroom fittings as the others, few years back now but spent proper money and still looks contemporary. She'd gone for a wonder round Hopewells and decided he needed a new bed !!!!!! massive thing why idk but apparently kids in junior school 'all' have double/ king beds these days who !!!!!! knew eh. Also needed new bedside tables, an accent chair and a few other bits. Had the 'if she was married to a footballer' conversation have to admit I lost it a bit told her she could be married to a bloke on the dole so look on the !!!!!! bright side lol. Still feel really !!!!!! guilty and ashamed I can't just give her the world tbh but I am where I am in life and some better off but a lot worse off.