First Steps to Solvency

alt80

Day 203/ 29 weeks. All being well I will make it to 30 weeks by the end of the year. 

@Purplelady65 idk they have a different mindset in Greece but I’m not about to give my business up and move there although it was a nice time don’t know how much that was due to seeing my family and son seeing his grandparents. 

I can’t bring myself to forgive my actions and those actions have got me where I am today. I need to sort my financial situation out and provide well for my family but there’s no !!!!!! magic number that says made it now that’s all life is an endless pursuit of greater resources and the knowledge that unless you are one of the privileged few your efforts are not good enough. I know I’m not good enough to scale by business to much more than it is rn on one level I don’t want to, I enjoy working with a smallish team and want to stay ‘in touch’ with the core activities of the business. On another level I acknowledge I’m not good enough to get to where I think we’d all like to be in life and am not able to give my family the lifestyle they deserve so can’t give up which drives destructive compulsions to work and after I know it’s not really helped. I have two plans one which is modest and tbh is probably all I will be able to achieve and one which is ambitious and would see my business and life change beyond my own recognition but I’m not good enough to achieve and a lot of me doesn’t even want to- not easy to just say I’m thinking about giving up and my family will suffer financially because I am not capable of scaling beyond the modest plans set out and not even sure I want to.

Those who have made it and have a lot I don’t think can understand what it is like to know you are unable to give your family the lifestyle they deserve. This time of year probably not helping me either. 

warby68

You need to find a way to park some of these thoughts during the trickier periods and Christmas is undoubtedly one of those.

You are doing those repeat posts about not being good enough and that doesn't do you any good mood wise.

Its also worth saying everything is still early days and you are still only 41. In another 12m it won't be too late to do any of your plans but your recovery and thought patterns may have improved significantly by then. 

Try and be patient - remember, in business, you are looking at the difference between being very successful and very very successful. Both are excellent positions. 

Bargainhunter30

 'the knowledge that unless you are one of the privileged few your efforts are not good enough'

You're basing this on earnings again. Your family would probably say that your efforts at staying clean this last 29 weeks have been amazing. They want you to be part of the family and as your wife has shown over christmas, she would prefer your 'clean', involved prescence over money and gifts. Previously she probably spent money and lashed out at your work efforts because she felt **** about you not being involved or even around.

Christmas is a hard time but you will get through it and with your families joy, even you may enjoy it.

@poppy811 I'm so sorry for the hard time you are going through. I hope you manage to enjoy Christmas too. It really does put into perspective what is important. Sending love x

alt80

@warby68 I can’t find any joy in Christmas this year. Going through the motions to a point can’t just forget about it entirely with an 8 year old. My son is looking forward to it as he always does but wife isn’t, not in the way she normally would. She knows there will be nothing of significance for her to unwrap and that’s all on me. I’ve failed to give her the ring she wants and I can’t deliver on that without !!!!!! things up again. 

I see where you’re coming from and know most will wonder what the !!!!!! is wrong with me first world problems etc - I know there’s a lot in this world much worse off than I am although some of them better off in a way if they have a sense of intrinsic worth which some people do. Lot of recovery based around that tbf I’m not good at that and in some ways have a very shaky recovery mindset. Some times better than others and some times like now think I’m more aiming for abstinence from substances rather than what’s really a true recovery, that goes way beyond not using drugs tbf. 

Funny how we see time running out in the moment but as we age look back and 30 or even 40 doesn’t seem so bad and like we still have time left. Do have thoughts about parking things for 12 months or so just working on the day to day but can’t do it for long; fear of getting comfortable with things and not striving for more. You have a good few years on me so do most people I have a lot of time for.

Grumpelstiltskin

Alt you still think money will buy you happiness, it won't.

Until you see that you won't be able to move on completely.

There is no problem with ambition but not when it is your overriding obsession.

RelievedSheff

Give it a rest with the self pity.

You are winding yourself up into a frenzy about nothing.

Your family will appreciate you being there and being clean more than a bunch of presents bought because you feel guilty.

Christmas is about family time not how much you spend.

If you really feel that you are treating your family badly this Christmas, go and see how some of your tenants spend Christmas and bring yourself back down to earth with a bang.

alt80

@Bargainhunter30 privileged wrong word tbf I’m not talking some notion of easy privilege but type of traits combined with graft that propel people to reach the pinnacle of achievement.

I am making an effort for my family else I definitely wouldn’t be going out tomorrow now my sons friend is coming and his parents. I know my wife and son prefer me around to being absent and is why I have to carry on. 

@Grumpelstiltskin it is an overriding obsession in a lot of ways I know always been the same addicted to it basically which is why I say tbh I don’t think I can achieve recovery completely because I’m still an addict. Need a rest over Christmas but panicking about shut down / fees not being turned etc no need to worry about it things are really good compared to years previous but it’s a time the fees stop being turned to any real extent in those day between Christmas and new year. 

warby68

You did this kind of winding up before the holiday but it was good.

Stop overthinking - get a bit busier with good stuff. Are you at work? Walk round and have a chat. Ring up the homeworkers - give everyone some appreciation. That's mutually rewarding. Do a coffee run. Go and clean something if you're at home. Help with the Christmas chores. Fake it to make it can work. 

Just get out of that head of yours. A pity party for one is never successful, or a good look. 

alt80

@RelievedSheff tbh I’m struggling to keep my head together rn. I know there are people worse off than I am and don’t mean to sound ungrateful for what I do have - I’m not. 

I’m not sure why you decide to try to make me feel guilty about the position my tenants are in - I know they are worse off than I am but I do what I can to ensure the houses they live in are well maintained and are as good a place to live as they can be. 

RelievedSheff

alt80 said:

@RelievedSheff tbh I’m struggling to keep my head together rn. I know there are people worse off than I am and don’t mean to sound ungrateful for what I do have - I’m not. 

I’m not sure why you decide to try to make me feel guilty about the position my tenants are in - I know they are worse off than I am but I do what I can to ensure the houses they live in are well maintained and are as good a place to live as they can be. 

I am not trying to make you feel guilty. I am giving you a reality check.