First Steps to Solvency

MatyMoo

We can all look back and have regrets, I know I do. The ttrick is not to repeat them or allow them to eat you up!

it would be amazing to take the MG to do Lap of Lights 😃

alt80

Managed to have a bit better evening, wife made me come for a walk with her, son and dog, no excuses lol. It was really nice to get out actually. Also managed to read to son; he actually said something really quite sweet to me think he realises I’ve had a bad couple of days. I caught myself thinking they are better without me being part of their lives, only good for the income and that not good enough earlier. Those thoughts don’t go entirely, I have to manage them or I know where it leads when it carries on for too long.

Having reflected and spoke to my wife tonight she said she’d rather have our family time, apparently doesn’t think I’m !!!!!! at business either idk whether she’s not bothered about spending to the extent she was or feels it’s all I can give her and just resigned herself to this being it. Should just take her word and try to relax into the festive period.

Planning to go to bed very soon. I’ve been overly tired all day and only had a couple of coffees this morning so hopefully that won’t contribute to staying up. 

@theoretica I have tried to think in that way, sometimes I can and think things are getting a little better on the self worth front but it never lasts long. It’s difficult to deal with looking over the past year’s finances as I have been. Reliving some !!!!!! awful memories through the transactions tbh my addiction ‘speaks’ to me through looking through the transactions. No other way to describe it tbh but I have had some really strong cravings today especially. Not let it win of course but idk doesn’t help the mindset. 

@MatyMoo absolutely agree there. I don’t want to throw my recovery away some days its the one thing that keeps me from !!!!!! up seeing that count and thinking what it would do to my family. I couldn’t full read your last post re family earlier but I have now. Ups and downs but I’m really trying to keep with my recovery and to try to be better for my family. 

I think it was you who encouraged going to a church carol service; we went and are planning to go Christmas Eve too if we can with covid restrictions etc. Thank you.

I’m going to have a think about it tomorrow morning and make my mind up re lap of lights actually think it could make a really nice late Christmas present for son although we are meant to be done buying for Christmas idk might make an exception.

MatyMoo

Lap of Lights is an annual event so you could tuck it away to look at in September/October 2022 if you decide not to go this year 😉

it was me that mentioned going to church, I love the Carol service and the Christingle 😃

Purplelady65

You’re doing really well with everything but seem to be back to beating yourself up over past events, guilt, regrets etc. Do you think Christmas is stirring up all these feelings maybe thinking back to previous Christmas’ and maybe coming to the end of the year is making you a bit more reflective? It could be Christmas is unconsciously making you feel anxious and manifesting itself in obsessing with the budget, feelings of not being good enough, working too many hours etc.  Maybe cut yourself some slack - put the budget away until after Christmas, get out for a walk each day, cut your working hours down and as others have suggested cut down on the caffeine as it could me making you jittery. 

Re the sleep I have always been terrible for going to bed late and am rarely in bed before midnight. Not because I want to work extra hours but because I want my day to be more than just about work and try and fit other things into my evening even if it’s just watching some tv. I haven’t cracked it myself - eventually the lack of sleep catches up with me and I get a bad headache or migraine and have to go straight to bed to sleep.  I am making an effort though not to reach that stage of feeling absolutely shattered and trying to get to bed earlier and get a decent amount of sleep every night. I am going to trial having a series of alarms set on my phone at night which are meant to signal I need to stop what I’m doing and start getting ready for bed - see if that helps. 

Cherryfudge

The way you are feeling recently seems very reminiscent of how you felt before your Greek holiday and other times when something out of the usual has loomed. It will pass - hang on and the thing you dreaded will soon be behind you, will even bring many positives that you couldn't anticipate when drugs were clouding your ability to see clearly. The drugs distort things but this year can be different and this time next year you might even be seeing things to look forward to at Christmas just as you can now see that holidays can be a good thing.

astrocytic_kitten

Believe your wife when she says what she really wants is family time. You being clean and mentally present and committed to family is the best present you can give her. 

As a lurker, the times like last Christmas where she’s blown the budget and berated you for not earning enough were the times you were using (or going down that path), even if you weren’t able to admit it to yourself and us at the time. Since she started to trust you’re committed to recovery and family life she hasn’t felt the need to fill the gap with consumption and Instagram validation.

It’s the old demons telling you otherwise, and the brains habit of believing/remembering the negative stuff over the positive. Your 200 days is a gift she’ll value far more than anything material anyone could ever give her.

ladyholly

I dont know if you haver seen the film Kellys Heroes but one of the characters says to another " stop with the negative vibes man". I just thought of you.

alt80

Day 202

Bit more sleep last night. Going to do lap of lights next year rather than this, make a evening of it and stay somewhere close. My mate with the old cars likes the sound of it so hoping to go in 3 cars (they are all 2 seaters really). Anyway thanks again. 

Not gonna lie I’m practically locking myself in the house ha fml I don’t want to go out / have to deal with the temptations etc. 

My Mrs mentioned to son’s friend's parents we are going to church Christmas Eve and now they are coming can’t say I’m thrilled about that tbh. They mentioned to wife could meet for a drink fml going to have a think about it later when I’ve calmed down and decide whether to just send my Mrs and son. Used to get on fairly well tbf, go out for dinner etc until I took it to the next !!!!!! level so all my own fault I’m know for being a cokehead amongst that group.

warby68

Its all going to take time. 

For what its worth, I think the demons are a reflection of just how much you want to change. You won't have one without the other but it will get easier when you have more good times under your belt. You're still going through a lot of 'firsts'

As for the gifts, what you're giving this year is priceless, a bit corny but true. Your wife, family and inlaws stuck around for a reason. You're making it worth it. That's what they deserve more of, your time and your recovery, not the ££ things, and you have the power to give that.

RelievedSheff

alt80 said:

Day 202

Bit more sleep last night. Going to do lap of lights next year rather than this, make a evening of it and stay somewhere close. My mate with the old cars likes the sound of it so hoping to go in 3 cars (they are all 2 seaters really). Anyway thanks again. 

Not gonna lie I’m practically locking myself in the house ha fml I don’t want to go out / have to deal with the temptations etc. 

My Mrs mentioned to son’s friend's parents we are going to church Christmas Eve and now they are coming can’t say I’m thrilled about that tbh. They mentioned to wife could meet for a drink fml going to have a think about it later when I’ve calmed down and decide whether to just send my Mrs and son. Used to get on fairly well tbf, go out for dinner etc until I took it to the next !!!!!! level so all my own fault I’m know for being a cokehead amongst that group.

Stop trying to find excuses not to go. You did this in the run up to the family holiday as well.

You are doing so well but you can't just lock yourself away forever. You have to go out and socialise with people.

Go out but use the driving excuse to stay AF.

You never know. You might even enjoy yourself

Well done on Day 202. The next 100 will fly by and then you are closing in on the full 365.