First Steps to Solvency

alt80

I’m definitely struggling with the gifts not being good enough tbh but will get through. It is what it is I can’t spend money anymore it’s too destructive for me. Don’t go anywhere I won’t spend any money, not a big online shopper tbh and left it a bit too late anyhow. Just have to trust family time is all she wants. Tbh I’ll be glad when I’ve paid the cards off so I can cut the amount of money hitting my personal account not that it matters just a reminder I don’t need. Just Range Rover balloon and inevitable cards overspend to get to the balloon amount to go and that money can stay away from me until I need it. Not going to let my company pay for my own stupidity again. When that’s done I can just cut down the amount of money I see to as little as possible keep it away from me for good. Part of me says there are things I still want etc lot of it is stupid tbf just get myself a new place to live in a few years time and make that be it concentrate on as much being kept in companies and not making its way into my pocket. I have to keep hold of the thought I can do that long term. 

@RelievedSheff I’m not interested in getting involved with meeting people for drinks etc. won’t stop my wife from doing it, I’ve no reason to. If she wants to go she can. I see my staff at work, family and a couple of people I trust and who aren’t bothered about going into town for drinks. It’s not about drinking or coming up with an excuse not to drink I’d just rather not spend my time around people who can’t stand the sight of me. Tbh I don’t want to spoil their evening either.

My wife said over half way to one year now. 🙂

RelievedSheff

alt80 said:

I’m definitely struggling with the gifts not being good enough tbh but will get through. It is what it is I can’t spend money anymore it’s too destructive for me. Don’t go anywhere I won’t spend any money, not a big online shopper tbh and left it a bit too late anyhow. Just have to trust family time is all she wants. Tbh I’ll be glad when I’ve paid the cards off so I can cut the amount of money hitting my personal account not that it matters just a reminder I don’t need. Just Range Rover balloon and inevitable cards overspend to get to the balloon amount to go and that money can stay away from me until I need it. Not going to let my company pay for my own stupidity again. When that’s done I can just cut down the amount of money I see to as little as possible keep it away from me for good. Part of me says there are things I still want etc lot of it is stupid tbf just get myself a new place to live in a few years time and make that be it concentrate on as much being kept in companies and not making its way into my pocket. I have to keep hold of the thought I can do that long term. 

@RelievedSheff I’m not interested in getting involved with meeting people for drinks etc. won’t stop my wife from doing it, I’ve no reason to. If she wants to go she can. I see my staff at work, family and a couple of people I trust and who aren’t bothered about going into town for drinks. It’s not about drinking or coming up with an excuse not to drink I’d just rather not spend my time around people who can’t stand the sight of me. Tbh I don’t want to spoil their evening either.

My wife said over half way to one year now. 🙂

They wouldn't have agreed to come if they didn't want to spend time with you.
 
You have to get away from the feelings that people "can't stand the sight of you" It clearly isn't true or they wouldn't be making the effort to try and come out to meet you.

You can't lock yourself away and wallow in self pity forever. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. 

On the subject of Christmas spending, I think I said this last year when the subject came up, but we set ourselves a £100 budget each year to buy each other Christmas presents. Not a huge budget but enough to buy each other some small and well thought out presents that we know the other person will like. 

SallyDucati

Alt, I'm also delurking to say -

You're doing amazingly well!  You're pulling your life round.  Your relationship with your wife & son is better.  You've got so much to look forward to now, please don't dwell on the past and 'what ifs'.

If you worry about seeing people who you think  'can't stand the sight of you', show them the you you are now, clean and sober and in control of life and business.

Please be proud of yourself as you deserve to be, you've done 200+ days and will never go back.  That's taken hard work and self realisation on your part.  With support yes, but YOU have actually done it.

Grumpelstiltskin

Right Grandma here again.
You don't want to meet that guy
. Problem is life isn't all about you.
 Presumably your wife and son want you to be there.
So put your big girl's pants on, pull your self up to your full height, grit your teeth and meet up with him.
As everyone is telling you you can't live in the past, he could have easily forgotten what happened in the past it could just be you obsessing about it, not everyone remembers what they said some time ago.

Angry_Bear

alt80 said:

I’m definitely struggling with the gifts not being good enough tbh

You "owe" your PIL and family a debt for supporting you when you were at your worst and maybe didn't deserve it (I know from what you've said that you certainly feel like you didn't deserve it). I think you still subconsciously want to be able to repay that debt with lavish gifts - hence feeling like the Christmas gifts aren't "good enough". 

But here's the thing, there are some debts you can't repay with money - and shouldn't try to. You repay those sorts of debts by acknowledging the help and saying it was appreciated (maybe write a Christmas card just from you to PIL and put in a personal note to say thanks for their support), demonstrating that the help wasn't wasted (in your case, being clean for over 200 days ), and be there to provide support when it's their turn to need it.

You're far from alone in trying to buy off emotional debt with money, but at least you've realised that it's not the way to go. Plenty of people waste their whole life this way and then wonder why their relationships feel hollow/shallow.

Give your family and extended family your time, enjoy the time they give you, and keep being the man you are now instead of the man you were then. It'll be worth more to them than any expensive gift in the world 

enthusiasticsaver

I think everyone deserves a second chance and your wifes' friends may see a different you now you are not using.  You may even have a nice time but if nothing else you can show them that you are a family man and not a cokehead now.  As @RelievedSheff says use the excuse of driving to explain you being AF. I seriously doubt they cannot stand the sight of you.  This is more likely to be your lack of self confidence. If your wife wants you to come then it is a simple enough request to spend an hour or so in their company.  Enjoy the Christmas service.  I have to say we are not churchgoers but used to go to Catholic midnight mass Christmas Eve with my MIL when she was alive. It was quite atmospheric and nice when the children were young. 

warby68

Big boy pants time again @alt80. Time to do something you don't fancy for the sake of others. They are making an effort, you should too. 

I can imagine its really hard putting yourself out there but you have to do it. You can't hide forever and its not fair to wife and son either.

I'm guessing this is 'jumped up estate agent' guy. You know, you may have built this up too much and the memory may be skewed by the place you were in at the time. He doesn't have to be your buddy, you can just be there for wife and son who are friends. Anyway its an olive branch now and you should take it. It will get around how different you are and that could be a good thing. 

I'm also a believer in 2nd chances - plenty of people are giving you one, maybe you can do the same for this couple.

getmore4less

You need to be getting out there the new drug and alcohol  free you.


Any hiding away from neutral grounds like  a church service if anything is consolidation of the old image of a druggy that cannot be trusted.

You need to be showing a united front with the wife and son that you can go out as a family.

ladyholly

Do the church if not for your sake go for your wife and son. You can drive so stay alcohol free or just be honest and say that it wasn't doing you any good so you have stopped drinking. One word of warning don't be persuaded as one can lead to more and people can be very good at the guilt trip. You know the scenario  I am sure. 
Don't let people stop you from doing what is good for your family. 

MatyMoo

I rarely drink as I am usually designated driver, it is so much easier to explain, and for people to understand, at this time of year as all police force’s are doing a drink (& drug) driving campaign!