First Steps to Solvency

enthusiasticsaver

This is your diary @alt80 and is a space to record your thoughts and actions and whilst the recent posts are coming across as self pitying and others are trying to get you to reflect on what is going well for you and how much harder others have it I don’t think you are getting it and wonder if you are depressed and might need some talking therapy help. I hope you are talking to the pros and I hesitate to weigh in on you and tell you to count your blessings as that is very difficult for anyone who is suffering from mental health problems.

 You have been through a lot over the last year, who knows what affect the drugs have had on your brain and your thought pathways need to change from a life measured on material possessions and wealth to one where unquantifiable feelings like contentment, health, happiness, fulfilment and kindness/caring/love are more important. I am glad you are going tomorrow for your wife and son and hope you enjoy it. All this family stuff is new to you and whilst there may not be thousands of pounds in gifts under the tree you have lots you can be proud of. 

RelievedSheff

poppy811 said:

should also have said that the signs of relapse are obvious please get professional help. With their help yo can still do this, you have come a long way, keep going.

I will admit I have been a bit concerned for Alt for a couple of days now.

The language and demeanour of his posts have changed for the worse again.

alt80

Tbh I'm absolutely !!!!!! exhausted and tbf it affects my mindset.

I'm ok when I'm working and my mind is distracted but I can't keep that pace 24/7. Managed a good few hours of peace today working and in until lunch time tomorrow although that's going to mainly just be taking staff for coffee. Promised my son I would spend lunch with him but hoping to be able to get a few things done after and before the service. Wife saying I should bring my card back from the office for going out with them fml for what idk she's got access to money and proficient enough in handing a card over. Another thing that's !!!!!! me right off today but not going to turn to substances come too far for that. 

Not making a secret that I'll be glad when this festive period is over all this month has been is listening to tales of what good times others are having concerning things I can't do and listening to the gone a bit overboard on the presents and going to be paying for this come new year but worth it after last year haha chats fml pretending I care and all !!!!!! well in my life but I  just really enjoyed the quiet one so that's what we're doing and grown up a bit so less bothered about spending money. Had to listen to the one who likes a drink a bit too much telling my grad I didn't used to be so !!!!!! sensible and boring today almost lost it entirely tbh. Spent the whole !!!!!! month trying to keep everyone on task, a few who would rather be elsewhere and generally just winding down for Christmas. Doing my job I know but harder this year than ever and I noticed them winding down more this year than in years previous but figures say otherwise; previous years been worse. 

alt80

@SusieT thank you for your thoughts re volunteering at Christmas, I'm not really sure what I could do but I like the idea of keeping my mind off !!!!!! destructive thoughts and being a bit of use to someone. My family probably would not agree tbh they want me home so what I should really do is plan some walks and a few places to go over the coming week. I am cooking christmas lunch enjoyed that last year, took my mind off a lot that was going on and didn't make a bad job of it. Surprised my in-laws in a good way so was worth it just to see them shocked it was actually a decent roast dinner lol. 

Grumpelstiltskin

Alt  What work has GOT to be done on Christmas Eve afternoon and evening?

I'm sure no one else will be working so please after lunch switch everything work related off and engage fully 100% with your wife and son.

warby68

Just checking in because I was also worried by the tone of the posts the last day or two.

Hang on in there @alt80. I can't imagine what its like in your head but it seems a good time to use all the tools from the pros and the diary filling with good activities to help you. Really actively manage this difficult period like you've been taught. 

And you know what? I have a love/hate relationship with Christmas and don't think I'm alone. It brings up all sorts that you'd rather just leave alone and is hard hard work as well. 

Take care

alt80

Managed to read to my boy at bedtime tonight. He's excited for Christmas already; loves Christmas Eve. Felt a massive fraud but told him it's not all about the gifts he receives and the amount or value of gifts someone sends doesn't equate to how much he is loved. My parents don't have the means to send him a lot but he always loves his gifts from Greece and tbh I don't really want him growing up thinking his worth can be quantified either. He's becoming that bit more cynical about Santa and said what I said because I want for him to grow up to be kind and have the type of intrinsic self worth that is not conditional on earnings, having not achieved that myself doesn't stop me wanting something better for my boy. 

My wife has sat with me this evening, not been in a good way but have made it through. She says she's not bothered about anything else for Christmas and promises she isn't going to go out spending tomorrow. I know I'm struggling, on that path rn but I'm not going to turn what's just a !!!!!! time for me into an excuse to use. Came up on alcohol free thread - booze doesn't make a bad day better, neither does cocaine I know that and I know it is just not worth it.

@Grumpelstiltskin when I managed to start a task related to work it gets me out of thinking in the negative pattern. Tbf if I am feeling up to doing something else with my family tomorrow afternoon I will do, there is nothing urgent that needs doing tbh I could have the whole day off if I wanted.

@warby68 thank you, I can't let my days go back to nothing and let my family down over Christmas. Might not be doing well but I'm not going to touch any type of substance even if my Mrs has to lock me in and takes the keys to her parents'. I've told her if that's what she needs to do. Hoping it won't come to that and as you say I can actively manage, get through and make sure my son enjoys his time off school.

Know what you mean by Christmas bring up all sorts you'd rather just leave alone. This year is by far the smallest amount of gifts we have bought for our son. I remember a few Christmases as a child my sister and I woke up to a game to share and a small box of chocolates each Christmas was either mountains of gifts thousands worth and this was back in the 80s/90s or practically nothing. Tbf we'd spent money in the run up to Christmas as our mum used to take us to London but being a kid on Christmas day with practically nothing to open a fair few times doesn't rank in my best childhood memories. Realised this was massively tripping me off when I spoke to pros as my own son has less from us and I'd be lying if I said the temptation wasn't there to go mad tomorrow at the final hour. Feel I've massively let him down rn.

RelievedSheff

You have not let him down. As you said yourself you can't quantify Christmas. 

I'm sure he will be happy with what he has and happy to have family around tomorrow. 

Merry Christmas Alt. 

ladyholly

Ask yourself which would your son rather have, a Dad who is there for him or huge quantities of presents that will he largely ignore. Whatever he says now the memory of having his dad around will be far more precious than any amount of stuff and suspect your wife is the same - she would rather have a clean you than any fancy ring.

This is your first clean year so it will be hard but it is only a week  ( if you include New Year) and then you can start 2022 in a new frame of mind looking forward to the things that you have planned. Just remember what you told your son his worth is not what he has but who he is now and in the future just as yours is. The past is gone and no matter what regrets you have it cannot be changed.

alt80

Day 204

Had a little better nights sleep than in the past few days and weeks. Just need to get through today without having some mad last minute crazy Christmas spending binge ha. I know I will get through. In hours this evening I’m dreading will be over just need to get through it forget about the original plan/ intention and just deal with it. Son will be happy to be with his mate. 

36 hours and Christmas Day will be over for the year. No point in !!!!!! things for myself because I don’t want to face it. It’s just a day and I have my plan to keep busy. In a way I’m pleased and tbf very proud of wife for coming in under the overall planned spends. On the other hand it’s definitely caused me a lot of problems with my head telling me I’m failing them by having to stick to restricted spending. Madness really but I suppose what makes dealing with personal finances so !!!!!! difficult- just serves as a reminder I am not doing well enough though what it takes to do well enough idk, lot of people a lot worse off than me and I still struggle to give my family the lifestyle I’d like to. 

@RelievedSheff / @ladyholly I know I’m a hypocrite and I’m sure you are right and he will still have a nice day. There’s the rule book I apply to everyone else and then the one I apply to myself lol.