First Steps to Solvency

alt80

I really am an idiot been working since about 9pm woke up quite a bit about 10pm. I don’t know why seems to happen when struggling with the sleep feel !!!!!! all day absolutely whacked 7pm then !!!!!! wide awake when normal people heading to bed. 100% this kind of stupid !!!!!! leads to self destructive behaviour caught myself just before writing this looking at usual kind of things I used to buy my Mrs thinking about some kind of surprise gift telling myself can order when in office tomorrow fml look at the time and here we !!!!!! go again 1.15am. I’m not going to buy anything just annoyed with myself tbh.

RelievedSheff

Hope you managed to go back to bed and get some sleep.

There is nothing that is happening that you, I or anyone else in the "real world" can change. It will be what it will be.

For now it is only wearing a face mask in a few more places, working from home if you can and a covid pass for large events. Nothing that really changes much for most people. Family Christmas is still on the table and time with loved ones. Behappy for the small things, the rest will slot into place.

alt80

Back to bed lol I’d not gone to bed at all before posting that last night, just sat up working. Know that’s a bit destructive in itself so need to make sure it doesn’t creep back into being a regular thing. 

I’m stealing the nothing we can do for the next rant I get from sister/ staff tbh it was getting me down and them ranting to me about it made it worse. Wound up failing to get much sleep again so whacked already this morning. As you say current restrictions aren’t the end of the world I’ve worked staffing out this time easily majority were hybrid anyway they are all home again unless they need to be in until further notice. I am back to hybrid never really stopped just been choosing office everyday and ones who need to be in office are. It’s less about work more just thinking what my sister has been ranting about getting into realms of conspiracy tbf and I’m sure she’d be asking if I had relapsed if I was as angry and weird as she was last night ha idk though there’s something not right about this now. I agree with her there just can’t keep thinking about it and tbh putting me behind in my recovery- shouldn’t be working at past midnight to try to keep the thoughts at bay or thinking about  buying things it’s self destructive and !!!!!! horrible when you see the signs creeping in.

RelievedSheff

At least you recognise the signs now. That truly is a sign of how far your recovery has come. 

Hopefully the current Covid restrictions are just a little blip and next year we can look forward to a more normal year.

alt80

Day 190

Managed to get through the day relatively well considering my lack of sleep last night. 

@RelievedSheff thank you, recognising and dealing with things that can lead me down the path has been a big part of recovery. Having got to the 6 months point I am just getting started with the rest of my life I don’t ever want to put myself into a position of touching the stuff again. It’s also 40 days since I’ve had a drink and I can’t say I miss it. Come to the conclusion those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind tbh my family are pleased I’m serious about my recovery which I am, things are good with my staff and I’ve only 2 other people I consider as friends left one would rather go for a drive than a night out and the other I respect far too much to be !!!!!! up in his presence.

Consequence of this I don’t spend obscene amounts of money on stupid things, learned to say no to my wife and explained to her it’s not because I don’t love her it’s because I do love her and want us to have a decent future without me struggling to stay sane and leading to what I know it can I was risking absolutely !!!!!! everything and it’s not worth it for the pain and hurt it brings and potential to destroy your life and everything you value. I’ve had a chance I didn’t deserve, never want to throw it away.

RelievedSheff

You have made me smile this morning. The change in you in the last 6 months is amazing. 

You are on the right path now and I'm certain that you and your family have an amazing future in store.

Well done for sticking with it through the hard times. 👏 

maggiem

Gosh just realised you will get to 200 before Christmas, that seems like an excellent number to achieve. Very glad to read the comments about those who mind don't matter and that you are talking to your wife about the reasons behind your decisions. 

But you definitely deserve your chance and credit for having chosen to take the chance and continuing to do so. 

Willowtree222

Your post does show how much you’ve changed. Hopefully your wife having it explained will see your side and understand what you are trying to do. 

alt80

Day 191 waiting up for my Mrs getting home. Not heard from her all evening but didn’t expect to always worry about her lol she’s a bit of a lightweight and one of the girls she’s with tonight can out drink most men I know likes the other stuff too but I know my wife won’t partake, never has. Idk probably is weird waiting up almost fell to sleep writing this about 3 times ha fml. Brilliant evening in with my boy, managed to make a very !!!!!! decent pizza which my son loved helping with also made a chocolate fudge cake fml I think that alone has probably taken a year off my life expectancy son still managed a silly hot choc though I stuck with my tea could not face anything else chocolate lol. Had a really decent walk earlier 8 miles in total with wife son and dog. Obviously not a no spends ha though might be tomorrow. 

@RelievedSheff thank you and I hope so - know other hard times will come that’s life eh but no longer afraid of them just deal with one by one. 

@maggiem thank you. I feel generally quite good and I hadn’t thought about 200 days but you’re right will be over 50 days AF too all being well. Really enjoying having a safe and (relatively haha) sane life currently had been using for so long I don’t really remember not having the ups and downs denied it being addiction but it was for a long time. Main thing is I’m in the other side just need to make sure I continue to put as much distance between where I am now and the trajectory I’m heading in than where I was.  Know a lot on here think I’m a horrid person using or not but I start believing that it destroys me just need to carry on this path concentrate on staying on it.

@Willowtree222 she’s doing really well tbf. Not easy for her but she’s doing me very proud rn. Thank you!

poppy811

I think you are wrong that most people see you as a horrid person.  I admire your bravery honesty and your determination and just want to say a massive well done