First Steps to Solvency

theoretica

ladyholly said:

Should have said well done to her for not letting her mates take the p*** when it came to paying for their rounds. I bet they werent expecting that.

Absolutely - well done to her.  Standing up to friends can be harder than standing up to other people. 

getmore4less

Hi, been a while as I took my own advise and booked a holiday went partially off line.
Booked at very short notice and ended up  being a bit of a nightmare sorting everything out went really well(Greece and Italy) but the rules changed while away that's another story......  ended up 3 days of isolation with a beer shelf getting very bare.

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~120 posts to catch up(from 25th Nov) on so will pick out as I go things that trigger a response.

might seem like going over old ground....

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Thought it funny LH posted don't rush into things as normally it takes 2months for stuff to sink in.
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Good to hear BF did not end up as melt down.

Thinking about how long it's been around BF as a day is relatively new I think early 2010 as US retailers moved to the UK then more followed.
Before that the UK equivalent was Boxing day sales starting and the Jan sales where the crazy shops would happen.
I recall years ago many retailers starting the sales early, before Xmas there was creep back then.
NOw the same is happening with BF, offers start 2 weeks before.
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Xmas dinner my thought was that if the BIL mother will really be alone then invite her as well.
the proviso being that any drive them home by you is to one place only.

Agree with the others,  provide the festive alcohol for the table, any boozing they can bring their own.

Cba with it told wife we should go to Greece next Christmas lol.

Have a serious think about that, we have done the Xmas away and it works.

you still have the omicron get out xmas is cancelled not having that many households under my roof.
Have them all take a LFT at the door to be allowed in
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Some good car banter, a lot more balanced than a few months ago, that MG and EQC have worked some magic. 
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6 months cracking.
Pretty impressed by your Alcohol changes as well
Loads of progress in many areas, congratulate yourself for those
For me the one I called out early was the obsessive instant fix impulsive actions and spends good to see that is much more under control slight wobble on late night personal finances but that seems to have settled, the plan is good minor tweaks and tracking will see that through. 
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Observation : you were on a slight downer when reminiscing over Xmas past and there was nothing for the year, did you notice that once you started planning stuff for Dec you perked up again.
Planning has been a key part of the recovery try not to let it slip.
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Looking like a breakthrough on social media.
I was very anti but one of our forum groups had to shut down and the easy move for everyone was to host it on a facebook group.

Over time I have kept my timeline clear but join groups where there is common interest, mainly holiday related but also drop into other activity project pages for ideas(dreams).
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Covid restrictions,  the changes came in while we were away but I think we have it easy here, both Greece and Italy  it green card just about everywhere you want to socialise and some shops, people just get on with it.

In practice that means vaccinated or negative test(temp pass) probably been helping to keep the numbers down.

My local is near the theatre and it was packed Sat as there were to pantos.
No one is checked for anything and kids were everywhere.
Had to do a bit of shopping yesterday very busy in the places I went but mask wearing was up.

Early days but we could have still have too little too late if Omicron turns into a beast.
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Nasty wake up call for the wife, definitely needs to review these relationships where she is just a cash machine.
One of my social groups is always PAYG individual, avoids the keeping up and drink price differences.
if a long beer session(same price), we may do a set number of rounds(1or2 each) happen then back toPAYG 

Back to a previous point about "work" mates, I think it is fairly common for people to move on, 
Much of our lives are in the moment, might be just a single meeting or longer like a period at school UNI or work.

As your life moves on the very long term tend to be family and a few. 

School friends fade out for uni friends that fade out for work friends 

Change jobs the social work based stuff drops off as you engage with the new mob, you may keep in touch with the odd one but most move on.

If you move area the transitions happen faster, when you stay in one area you can hang onto those that also stayed.

Outside work and own education kids are the other big making friends factor, then hobbies.

As the boss work dynamic will be different and rarer for employees to become friends, often needs a secondary connection.
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Caught up, there was a good point about events being a trigger, most you come out the other side feeling good to have great memories to look back on, this is the first Xmas with the new you and it will be a challenge to make the changes a bit like that first "proper" holiday to Greece.

One thing I noticed a long time back is we can get into routines around events and end up doing the same thing over and over, I think we kid ourselves that its great when we should be looking for other things and mixing it up, not getting into habitual options year on year.


Roll on 200.

alt80

Day 193

Not been a no spends, treated son to a meal out this evening as he's been really upset about a couple of school events having been cancelled that we and my wife's parents were meant to be going to. Only a couple more days at school but he's ready for a break rn had him telling me I 'need to' have the school holidays off from my work because 'we all need to have a rest' lol fml he makes me laugh. I have told him I will be spending some time away from work over Christmas, going to try to switch off from work altogether from Christmas Day to the end of the 28th, got them both on my case now both son and wife ha. Tbf shutdown is from 25th until the first Tuesday of the new year so won't be much to do on the days I do a bit of work. 

Wife still in a bit of a bad way over what happened Saturday. Definitely something wrong with her, wanted some work to do today ha no problem providing that lol.

@Purplelady65 She thinks she's been taken for a mug tbh. The girl has been in touch today grovelling can only say I'm quite glad I wasn't in at the time. Long term I think she probably does need to find some other mates - friends are important to my wife tbf.

@RelievedSheff They've always used her like a chequebook tbh sounds !!!!!! awful to say it but they met my Mrs when they were all at college and probably chose to befriend her as it was obvious she had a lot more access to money than they did. When they were in college my Mrs used to run around the city picking them up, no matter when or where they went out it's always been they'd love to go but can't afford to etc. any !!!!!! excuse for my Mrs to pick the tab up maybe I'm just a cynical !!!!!! idk.

I can't say I'm up for socialising outside of with immediate family and a couple of others tbh and can't help feeling like it's my fault tbh whilst I see where you're coming from, I know I didn't care for years but see things for what they are, 'benefit' of having a clear head and not being so !!!!!! selfish and self obsessed I suppose. Knock on has affected what I can give to my wife and her having to live to this budget.

alt80

@ladyholly thank you, definitely right re not expecting to not get a free ride and very true re people coming and going in life idk things haven't been easy for my wife really a lot my fault and tbh I really hoped she'd have had a nice time I can't go out with her for nights out and she had a good time when we were in Greece and she went out. She would maybe enjoy doing something with our dog. 

@warby68 she is doing well and some things to look forward to away from the mirror. You're not the only one 'quite cross' goes beyond quite cross though tbh.

alt80

@theoretica 100% agree there.

@getmore4less I had wondered if you were alright quite a few times mate tbh. Glad you've had a nice break away and kept away from the screens a bit. I don't know about Italy but Greece are fining over 60s who haven't been vaccinated. One of the lowest uptakes in Europe and my parents know a couple of people who are very distrusting of the vaccine for no good reason tbh. Everything seems to have changed quickly with omnicron again. I do wonder if we're heading into another lockdown tbh, most of my staff back to full time wfh as was before but I have no !!!!!! clue what to do about planned work Christmas lunch no real guidance, some things cancelled, plenty aren't I don't !!!!!! know what to think tbh. Had to laugh re LFT would reassure my in-laws tbf and I'm ok with it as is wife but my sister would go !!!!!! postal, she's furious; properly lost the !!!!!! plot over it, spoken to her about might be best to plan to stay at home will do something one weekend instead as I think we might be in some kind of restrictions/ lockdown again and she went !!!!!! mad, apparently doesn't care if we're in full lockdown she'll drive up here to prove a point fml. 

Thanks mate, really working on recovery and I know I'm better without drinking at least for now and I don't know for how long maybe next year, maybe forever idk not setting any targets for that and associated pressure. That said I believe I will see my 200 days bit if you'd said to me 6 months ago would I see 7 days or 14 or whatever I couldn't have truthfully said it is much more likely than not. Acknowledging it got that bad wasn't easy at all but things have got easier since I've been able to.

I remember Boxing Day Sales used to be massive but becomes too much when they extend; agree same happened with Black Friday. Few real bargains too, just a load of hype even my Mrs not buying into so well and truly over ha. 

I had to smile at me saying might go to Greece next year Christmas and here we are couple of weeks on ready for another lockdown lol probably safer sticking with planned end of May and October again if I want to get there and back. 

Cars lol less said the better rn Land Rover !!!!!! me about a little bit over my Range Rover. One of those things I know but dealers do !!!!!! me off service !!!!!! from them generally but cars aren't exactly cheap. 

Wife's mates wouldn't accept PAYG they always have some !!!!!! sob story though reviewing the relationships absolutely needed imo. 

100% re work mates and tbh you're right about things being different when it's staff rather than colleagues. I can think of one employee I regarded as a real friend but he's no longer here. I started out in business young maybe too young idk but no real other option for me the way I see it; looking back with the pros, realise some of the way I was living it was just being !!!!!! insecure and too image conscious. Went on too long can tell you that but all I can do now is keep on this path and working towards the next level.

I see exactly where you're coming from re events/ habitual routines certainly been there many times over and always had some level of anxiety about things not related to business which I've always managed to be fairly open, flexible and adaptable about when required, that's probably called being !!!!!! desperate for more money though ha. Definitely been down the road of kidding myself its great when it's not too many times to count. My addiction often tempted me back with the !!!!!! promise of a great time or some kind of alleviation at least. Wife seen that too a bit I think over Christmas she loves it but this is first year she's acknowledged it does get a bit same same and too much about impressing/ image rather than what it should be about. 

enthusiasticsaver

Your wife’s “friends” sound like users and I think she needs to find better friends who aren’t out to use her as their open cheque book. If I were her the last thing I would be doing is nails to make money for one of them, baby or not. 

crunchy_time

I really feel for your wife regarding her ‘friends.’ I’ve been there too and only recently realising this. This explains to me a lot of her behaviour that you have shared. Sounds like she has had a big wake up call now, bless her. She sounds like she feels valued when she is giving to others. Is there anyway or anywhere she could volunteer in something that interests her? She could meet new people and maybe make new friends eventually and it could perhaps steer her in the direction of a job?

I heard of a lady who volunteered to give little old ladies in care homes makeovers to make them feel good about themselves. 

Just an idea of course. I’m a long time lurker and very please for you for how far you have come. Well done!

alt80

Day 194 

No personal spends today. Spoken to my solicitor about the future, something I’ve very actively avoided basically couldn’t deal with getting older and idea one day I won’t be putting the sort of effort in I do now and ultimately I won’t be here. Realised I needed to stop being so !!!!!! anxious/ selfish/ afraid and part of life planning for future and hopefully ensuring my wife and son are looked after ultimately. Part of life my parents never thought was important fml lol. Tbh another thing I can be thankful for being on here for. Before I forget on the subject of things I need to be thankful for being on here for, my son has been getting £10 pocket money since his birthday and I’m actually quite proud to say he’s being really careful with his money not like me and his mum ha. Not particularly keen on earning it though fml I’d do any job as a kid for a few quid lol he just waits for me to pay him haha. 

Don’t seem to get any rest rn things busy both business and personal life but still struggling to get enough sleep. Had a bit of an allergy flare up again, doctors think it’s made worse by stress so going to try to get a couple of 10 minute guided meditations in tomorrow; bit of a reminder I need to ensure I stay on track with recovery and just spend a bit of time to myself away from work. Spent a bit more time on the Christmas decs this evening with the wife it’s going to be a little surprise for son when he wakes up. Last school day tomorrow, all getting very close now. Son has all his agreed presents bought, wife reckons she’s not going to buy more and I really hope we don’t have a repeat performance of last year. I don’t think she will tbh things are different this year. Wife and I spent some time talking about gifts for each other; neither of us need anything or even particularly want anything that isn’t a silly amount of money. We are planning to have a weekend away just the two of us next year and have agreed that’s our Christmas gift for each other thanks for whoever suggested that on here I was reluctant at the time but we like that idea and has allowed me to book my wife an additional treatment she doesn’t know about so she will at least have a little surprise.

@enthusiasticsaver You’re right tbh it annoys me she’s doing the work but ultimately her choice. 

@crunchy_time Thank you, I am really trying to work on life in recovery.

I know exactly where you’re coming from. I’ve been there to an extent too in the past tbh and it is utterly !!!!!! when you realise they are just using you as a chequebook. My wife was going to try to get involved in sports coaching and is also considering doing something with her PT quals on a part time basis. She enjoyed doing nails but has struggled with some of the clients and an industry she’s becoming less engaged with generally. She still loves her beauty products/ treatments and make up but for some of them it’s like a cult lol and she said to me she thinks its a bit self destructive for her and I’m inclined to agree so not great when we are both trying to move away from self destructive stuff generally. 

Tbf she’d get a lot from giving makeovers to old ladies in care homes but I think it’d break her, she’s very sensitive and a lot of things upset her - seeing people at the end of their lives I know she’d come home in tears every time she went. Someone suggested it on here previously I remember so possibly where you heard of it. 

RelievedSheff

It finally sounds as though your wife is coming round and getting onboard. Well done to her as well as to you.

I have a feeling that 2022 is going to be a great year for you all as a family.

getmore4less

It's massive when you suddenly start to realise you thought everything was great but turns out it was not.

I think we all have these moments sometimes they are little things but some can be enormous and life changing.

You both had some pretty destructive things going on that became the norm and very habitual.

As said before changing these old habits need replacements but that can take time.

As you have found adjustments to the people you hang out with has been very positive.

Same will happen for the wife, maybe some of the school mums could fill a gap by doing a bit more than the play date type stuff.

Maybe scope to try some of your planned activities with another family.


A key major change is the reality that throwing money at everything does not make you happy people.
Very good progress getting a more sensible balance and extracting greater value from your resources.