First Steps to Solvency

enthusiasticsaver

I think I would be inclined to put the vow renewal on ice for a few weeks as your wife is acting a bit like a spoilt teenager.  Just as your ex druggie mate was bad for you I wonder if her mates back at home pull her back into the immature behaviour it sounds like she is displaying now.  The problem is as we have said many times before she has never really had a reality check as she does not work and has had everything handed to her on a plate and consequently does not value the things she does have.  Personally I would find that sort of attitude difficult to stomach and certainly would not want my son exposed to it. 

RelievedSheff

I would be cancelling any plans to renew the wedding vows right now. You wife has proven that once again she can not be trusted around money. It is supposed to be a fresh start for both of you and if you are both not in it together then there is no point in the renewal.

enthusiasticsaver

@RelievedSheff has a good point.  This is supposed to be a fresh start but your wife is  reverting to old destructive behaviours which will unsettle you and stress you  out. Get the PIL on board.  I am not a fan of tattling on what is supposed to be a grown woman but going back on her promise to stick to a budget for your sons birthday is remininiscent of what she did last Christmas.  

ladyholly

I wasnt implying you dont love your wife, I know you do or you would have dumped her long ago with some of her behaviour. What I was trying to say is you seem to feel the need to keep buying her gifts to show you care. In the past you felt you needed to buy gifts to make up for your behaviour. You dont need to do this now nor do you have to keep making up for the past.

I agree with others that you should put your renewal of vows on hold until your wife proves she can be trusted. I do think the extra money on your son is throwing her toys out of the pram because you wont buy her a ring. Incidentally I think your birthday is about now has she got you anything this year? I remember she didnt last year but you have done so well she should be getting you something even a token gift to thank you for getting clean. Before you say she doesnt need to thank you and how worthless you are etc. Yes she does and no you are not. You should also point out that buying houses is what provides the nice lifestyle you have given her.

Have a good day and try not to let the stress get to you. Use the resources you have.

poppy811

Never commented on your diary before but have been so impressed with how you have managed to get off the drugs and improve things for your son.  I would be more than angry if I was being undermined like this by a partner. Really don’t know  how you put up with it.  Please do not let this impact on your progress.

strawb_shortcake

I've been guilty of going out last minute and buying extra for Birthdays and Christmas every time it's been completely unwarranted and unnecessary. 

But £150 on clothes, does an 8 year old child really want clothes for a present? I always considered it a boring present, and until my children were teenagers and wanted something specific or different or more expensive than an ordinary item of clothing they never had clothing as a present. I always found it an odd concept, as parents it's our job to clothe our children why would someone dress it up a gift? Not saying my view is right I just don't get it

getmore4less

annabanana82 said:

I've been guilty of going out last minute and buying extra for Birthdays and Christmas every time it's been completely unwarranted and unnecessary. 

But £150 on clothes, does an 8 year old child really want clothes for a present? I always considered it a boring present, and until my children were teenagers and wanted something specific or different or more expensive than an ordinary item of clothing they never had clothing as a present. I always found it an odd concept, as parents it's our job to clothe our children why would someone dress it up a gift? Not saying my view is right I just don't get it

Be interested what these clothes were. 

I recall that clothes as presents were delegated to the grandparents, new socks for Xmas.

As for the vows issue 

Not sure how far to go on the push back,  taking it off the table for while till things settle  or go ballistic and call the whole thing off.

I think you may need to make it clear you are very angry about this reverting back to type and it is not acceptable needs to be stopped now.


On the "you just want to buy property", I don't think it will ever sink in that's business and that's what it does to grow. 

Might be time to take her out of the business loop al together and stop all talk about what the business does and how it invests and grows, you are not buying property the business is.

warby68

I think the vow renewal needs parking and you should (but probably won't) express how disappointed you are that she has reverted to type.

I don't think the balance between you is right yet. You still feel you owe her the world and she still feels that too and its wrong. You probably need to get further into your recovery and the building of your self worth so the discussions are more 'equal' and you stop taking the blame for everything and equating spending with love. You need to be able to tell her she has let you down just like she says whatever she likes.

Looking for the positive, £150 is a mere token compared to what she's done before but clothes, for an 8y old boy, they were definitely for her satisfaction not his.

I know this is your journal and therefore one-sided but I'm sure I won't be the only one who wonders why exactly you think so highly of her. I know its your choice and we only see bits and pieces of your relationship but its hard to spot her strengths sometimes.

Don't let it spoil the holiday memories though - you nailed that.

stymied

@alt80 What does your gut tell you that you want to do about the vow renewal and engagement / eternity / no new ring?

alt80

Day 153

No spend day and alcohol free one too.

Busy with work again but not letting it get obsessive making time for family and not sitting about doing jobs for the sake of it which could be done by staff. Another note but sort of related to work winter is well and truly here it's !!!!!! freezing outside.

@enthusiasticsaver it's frustrating tbh she'll be forever 20. Nice in some ways frustrating in others. She's following just about ever jeweller going rn idk there is pressure there but she isn't nagging me about it def backed off a bit. Tbh I think you have a point, she probably doesn't see the other side because she's not really worked. She hates me owing money but still wants stuff ha.

@RelievedSheff I understand where your coming from though I would like the fresh start and to make a sincere commitment to her for the rest of my life. She could have easily chosen to leave me many times over the years I'll never understand why she hasn't.

@ladyholly thank you I am working through the resources 100% committed. Re my birthday she is taking me and son away to see the RHS garden lit up. Really looking forward to it.

@poppy811 thank you. I am 100% committed to my recovery, come back from holiday more committed than I ever have been idk why just got back, been off it for 153 days now and I just want to keep adding a +1 day every day. Don't want to lose my count. Don't want to go back to the !!!!!! madness. Been listening to 'why we sleep' on audiobook over the time I was on holiday and thought about productivity v 'productivity'. Not getting tripped off by people going out, that's just not for me anymore and locking myself in isn't either. Don't want to put myself at risk of it.

@annabanana82 She didn't buy him clothes he needed. He has enough and wife knows that idk why she did it tbh I wasn't going to ruin the day for £150 spend. My son knows a lot of logos etc tbf he's probably more image conscious than his mates though a lot of his mates are from cultures that are more focused on school and less image conscious generally.

@getmore4less it was a hoodie and 2 t-shirts not socks lol but that brings some memories back fml. 

I have asked her not to do it again given up thinking she's going to stick to what we've agreed all the time. Just not going to happen.

Doesn't matter how many times I tell her it's business all I get is I'm just using that as an excuse and she's missing out on having a life because I'd rather buy property. Said to me the other day I could buy her a ring if I sold a btl it !!!!!! winds me up tbh and usually ends up with her telling me how big a !!!!!! diamond or whatever she could have had she chosen a footballer.

@warby68 We all had an amazing time in Greece nothing will spoil those memories. She has let me down but tbh I can't keep dwelling on it. Have to move on. Tbf I don't know where I'd be without her and I do know she deserves more than I can ever give her for staying with me and she does a lot around the house.

@stymied I want to renew our vows but no new rings for the ceremony. I don't want it to become about spending / rings / jewellery / her dress or whatever. I asked her because I want the day to be about the words we will say to each other sincerely and without 'things' getting in the way of us choosing to make a commitment to each other again but this time for the right reasons with each of our parents being there and our son. Sound like some !!!!!! sad !!!!!! I'm sure but these days every morning I wake up next to her I know I am blessed and am safe. Nothing better than that. If I have to buy her a ring, I have to buy her a ring - I get why people are saying I should and I probably should. However I'd rather give it to her after.