First Steps to Solvency

ladyholly

Tell her straight you are not spending stupid amounts of money on fripperies (theres an nice old fashioned word) and if she persists in being ridiculous you will drop the whole idea of a renewal of vows. The only reason she is pushing you is to boast on IG not because of the sentiment behind it. Dont let her bring your anxieties to the fore again and see it for what it is. I think you could also drop it into conversation with your in laws in perhaps a jokey way so they know what is going on.

In the meantime park it once you have told her its not happening and refuse to discuss it.

You are doing so well dont let her drag you down.

alt80

Just sorted through cards £25120 owing. Sorted for Son’s birthday tomorrow. Christmas last things have been bought for son. Still need to sort gifts for in-laws / parents / siblings etc. I’ve said I can’t give much. Cooking Christmas dinner again too. I can’t believe my little boy is going to be 8 years old bit of a difficult evening as I wasn’t really present until the past 18 months missed out on a lot I know. 

Managed to stick with the plan but also had a difficult time not dipping into work this evening told my wife I wouldn’t and still did. It’s obsessive I know can see where it leads and pressed the off switch ha. Good to see my staff today though and get a lot done. Didn’t make any offers wasn’t worth it one of those things. 

alt80

Thanks all re ring. I can’t let it give me the sleepless nights etc. She’s said she doesn’t want me losing sleep over it tbf she’s backed off a bit since I told her I wasn’t sleeping it’s my problem, I know. She would like the ring and found a few she’s keen on. The whole thing just makes me ill, I just can’t do it again but when I sit and think about it just seems like proof I don’t deserve to have her. 

enthusiasticsaver

Seriously that sort of thinking that you don’t deserve to have your wife because you can’t or won’t give her a ridiculously expensive ring needs to go. You need to get away from the thinking that buying her stuff makes up for bad things you have done like the drug dependency and the behaviour that came about as a result of that. Now you are clear headed you must see that is a vicious circle you must break.

Glad she has backed off because she knows this causes you stress. Park this for a few weeks. Almost below £25k on cards now so that is coming down. Well done. 

maddiemay

@alt80 you have done so well, it is great to read your posts now.

I totally agree with everything said by @enthusiasticsaver, you really need to work on and ditch these thoughts about not being good enough to provide stupidly excessive trinkets for your wife, that is not what a good loving relationship is about, keep working on it with the pro's and perhaps consider additional CBT to deal with your feelings of lack of self worth.

Not posted here for a while, but have been cheering you along, you are well on your way to having a great life if you let yourself.

getmore4less

You need to turn these thoughts around 

She is f***** lucky to have you.

Agree you need to get the PIL on the case I think they see how manipulative she can be and are not afraid to tell her.

enthusiasticsaver

Happy Birthday to your son btw

SusieT

Agree with the others, you need to turn the thinking around. Dont get guilt tripped by your old habits into thinking that presents are needed in a relationship. YOU are more then "good enough" for her, but if all she wants from you are shiny things that she can brag about on IG then if anything you should be questioning if she is good enough for you. I know that is very simplistic and there is obviously more to your relationship than that, but you cannot knock yourself down just because you "only" got her a new car, came off drugs (if I were her that alone would be my christmas, birthday and any other presents for the next 10 years), provided what sounds like a luxury house, are getting rid of debt. 
You are worth a hell of a lot more than you allow yourself to believe, forget money and remember that (once you have the basics paid for) non monetary things are very often more valuable than expensive shiny trinkets that are for show

ladyholly

If love and caring for your partner was only about what you can buy my husband and I would hate each other as we havent bought presents for each other for many years. A relationship has nothing to do with what you can buy.

alt80

Day 152

Thanks all.

Took my boy to school and picked him up so worked school hours and managed to get a couple of hours in tonight after he went to bed. He's been spoilt a bit today tbh. My Mrs organised for in-laws to come for dinner, had a really nice time overall and grandparents hadn't told him they were coming for dinner. Unfortunately wife decided son hadn't received enough gifts this morning and spent another £150 in town today on clothing for him. Can't say I'm pleased tbh as we'd agreed what he was getting for his birthday/ how much we were spending etc. Also had the I won't buy her a ring because I'd rather by buying property 'for myself' chat tonight fml. She's spent the morning in town and the afternoon making !!!!!! stupid tictok videos with her mate it's good !!!!!! job one of us works or we'd be truly !!!!!!. I shouldn't moan about it but from time to time she can really !!!!!! annoy me. 

@enthusiasticsaver thank you, I am still doing therapy will be for a while I think tbh.

@maddiemay thank you things are a lot better. CBT is part of my therapy applying the techniques when required was almost impossible but is slowly getting easier and happening more frequently when required. I know most people get this sorted in 6 to 8 weeks !!!!!! ridiculous I'm still battling with it I know. Never have been the brightest button in the box lol.

@getmore4less thanks though I wouldn't go that far mate lol. Her parents do call her out sometimes tbf.

@SusieT I am trying to spend more time with my family, focus on non-material time 'gifts' etc. Thank you know you're only trying to be nice but re car probably pushing it there, bought through business and property is my thing, my wife isn't bothered about houses so I just get the I spend too much on buying houses chat. Tbf she is pleased I am still working on recovery will be for life but that's selfish too really I was going down a bad road, had been for a long time and I knew it.

@ladyholly thank you I do care about her not just about buying her gifts, it's why I asked to renew vows in the first place because tbh I'm not even sure I did love her first time around know how bad that sounds but times move on, I do now and want to make a sincere commitment to her for the rest of my days.