First Steps to Solvency

alt80

Day 121 through. Went for our walk despite the weather !!!!!! terrible awful in NG. Got my Mrs propping me up idk why she stayed with me and came back home. Glad she did 100% I wonder a lot if she would be happier without me. Past few weeks I’ve been taking a session re my treatment of others seriously never been a !!!!!! to my staff or tenants always said the day I forget they pay my mortgage is the day I give it up. Took my family for granted though. Never gave my Mrs that respect she’s never paid my mortgage , I had no respect for her it !!!!!! breaks me to see how I was. Counselling that’s meant to be really it’s how to make myself feel more !!!!!! about myself.  Always thought it was ok because I’ve never hit her, it !!!!!! wasn’t. I’ve had to tell her she can’t have the things she wants because I’m an addict. That’s the real !!!!!! reason I let my finances get the way they have I know that much. She’s worth 10 of me not an addict she can go into to town buy my boy’s gifts and walk away.

This time last year I thought if I get a grip on paying my debts down, not building more and get the block turned it’d be lucky escape back to business as usual; drag a bit of a bonus divi out and do what I used to. Business looking more stable and I don’t feel I’m doomed by my own stupidity anymore but I still feel !!!!!! awful. Over working it’s not productive really it’s some !!!!!! compulsion because my head tells me that’s all I can do and I’m not good enough at that because I don’t earn enough money. Nothing ever good been enough for me unless I’m on the chang. Off it I’m disgusted with myself tbh. Def had a bit too much to drink tonight tbh if I’d have gone out I wouldn’t be looking at day 122 tomorrow !!!!!! disgusted with myself tbh  reflections on life idk should go to bed and give the booze up too failed the !!!!!! sober October first day good job I didn’t sign up in the first place haha. Should not ever have signed up to go to Greece either

RelievedSheff

You need to stop looking back at what you can not change. You will just wallow in self pity if you don't which helps no one.

You have a lot to look forward to in the future. 

Man up and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

foxgloves

Totally agree with @RelievedSheff. There is nothing helpful about a personal Pity Party. Nobody can change their past. Find something constructive to do instead of the incessant wallowing.
You are doing brilliantly staying clean..
F

enthusiasticsaver

I think you should keep off the booze and the late nights.  It just makes you wallow which does not help you and definitely won't help your family. Focus less on the financial aspects of your life and more on the empathy.  Say the occasional thank you to your wife or surprise her with a bunch of flowers or a hug or kiss rather than telling her to go out and buy stuff.  After a while that means nothing. 

Grumpelstiltskin

Right you know me I call a spade a spade.

You still believe your life will be wonderful if you spend a fortune on c r a p.

It won't, you are so selfish basically just thinking what you want, what do your wife and son want?

They want you , you should be an integral part of their lives not hiding in your office going over spreadsheets and wallowing in what you could have bought if you hadn't been so selfish and spent the money on drugs.

I don't know what more your friends on here can say to you.

What do the professionals say to you? Do they say spend on c r a p?

That's me done for this morning, just grow up and stop being so selfish.

ladyholly

Why do you keep looking back and going over the same stuff. If your wife wanted to leave she would have gone by now. I suspect this is a lot to do with your forthcoming holiday and you not expecting to enjoy yourself with your family. Yes they will probably have words about the past - families are like that  but you have come a long way from that so let it go in one ear and out the other. The past has gone you cant change it you can only live in the now and plan for a better future. Preferably one that doesnt involve buying lots of stuff you dont need and wont bring you any happiness in the long run.

You have a wife and a young son they should be front and centre of your thoughts and actions and not spending your time drinking too much and having maudlin thoughts about how hard done by you are for having made a mess in the past.

SanguineGina

Too late now re Greece.  Seriously hope you aren't going down the route of backing out just because you aren't feeling up to coping with it.  Would be really 'cruel' to do that to your elderly parents who are so looking forward to seeing you their son,  as well as their daughter in law and grandson.

You seem to enjoy making yourself feel bad all the time - why is that? is maybe a question you should ask your pros about.

Watch that your addict brain isn't doing it so that you conclude that there's no point and reach for the coke.

You would proper regret losing your recovery.  Well done for being on day 122.

KxMx

If I remember rightly you were dreading the trip away with in laws, it was fine and you ended up really enjoying yourself?

Odds are it'll be fine this time too. 

katsu

"I’ve had to tell her she can’t have the things she wants because I’m an addict"

@alt80 that's not true. Your wife can't have everything she wants (if she really does want this stuff) because there is no magic money tree and her lifestyle was unrealistic. 

You earn a really good wage. You can have a decent life with some luxury but not all luxury bags, shoes etc etc etc

I agree with other posters that you seem to be having a tough time so encourage you to lean into the professional support, and maybe remember alcohol is a depressant so maybe a shed load of drink isn't good for you. It's not good for anyone after all. 

A great comment was made that you were dreading the in law holiday and then it was fine. You'll be fine with your family too.  You can do this!

Good luck. 

alt80

Day 122. 

I need to quit the booze for a bit. Read that back it’s !!!!!! embarrassing tbh. Has been creeping back up to most nights, sensible amount just a couple to relax a bit after work apart from yesterday. Fml I’ve hardly been out of bed today not well at all. All my fault I know that at least back to work tomorrow and shouldn’t feel like !!!!!! still. Just to top it off today my wife has been out all day with my boy, his friend from school and parents this is the !!!!!! who calls me a jumped up estate agent. Son gets back telling me what a wonderful time he’s had. At least they haven’t spent much £15 on lunch. 

I don’t want to go to Greece at all but can’t let my mum and dad down. Not even about them I want to see my parents looking forward to seeing them just my sister and her husband i don’t want to see them and they don’t want to see me. It’s massively tripping me off.