First Steps to Solvency

strawb_shortcake

I'd never even considered life to be levels and to be honest I don't get it. Yes, some people will have nice big houses or estates but I don't see them as being another level to me it's just life. 
I'd never expect someone to justify why they have houses so big or so many cars or any other luxuries, they just want them and can afford them so its entirely their own choice as to how they spend their money. 

However, when you start looking it as levels, I think you are setting yourself  up for disappointment, the chances of you becoming the worlds richest man is quite slim, and with your current mindset I think you know that reaching the next level or two you will still see yourself (wrongly imho) as a failure, as there will always be people wealthier than you. Pushing yourself for these material things when they seem unlikely to give you the sense of gratification and satisfaction that you feel you crave seems like a recipe for disaster.  

As David Jason said yesterday life is about the journey not the arrival. 

I've always thought one of the greatest gifts a person could have is to see themselves through someone else's eyes, you've seen the bad coke addict Alt, but it's a real shame you can't see the clean, successful Alt that clearly adores his family.

And I stand by my previous comment, your retreat back to this negative mindset started when you let a parking space to your druggy mate, drugs or not he is a negative impact to your life, and should serve as a reminder what a product of a wealthy, privileged and spoilt background looks like

HoneyRoastedParsnip

Great effort @alt80 - Another classic from the internet.

An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.  Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna.  The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, “only a little while. The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The American then asked, “but what do you do with the rest of your time?”

The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siestas with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine, and play guitar with my amigos.  I have a full and busy life.” The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing, and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise.”

The Mexican fisherman asked, “But, how long will this all take?”

To which the American replied, “15 – 20 years.”

“But what then?” Asked the Mexican.

The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part.  When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions!”

“Millions – then what?”

The American said, “Then you would retire.  Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

alt80

Realise it may come across this way but I have no criticism for how other people want to live their lives - that’s for them to work out themselves and so long as they are happy and not harming anyone else up to them. It’s not about other peoples level of success but my own and wanting to get to a point I think in my own head yeah I’ve done ok and can give my wife the lifestyle she deserves to have too. Constantly being in debt for stupid stuff isn’t going to help me and I’m at a point I’m managing to control the general spending which I’m pleased about and should go towards helping with not just coasting along able to look at the bigger picture. I regret how I spent time over the latter part of my 30s and know it’s held me back and there’s been opportunities lost etc. Grateful for the things I haven’t lost and believe I’m in a position I have a solid foundation and sustainable plans so long as I carry on down the current road and avoid the self destructive things. 

Re my res home I’m generally pleased with where I live. I know this is a bit silly but a res home with a purchase price of £1m+ has long been a goal of mine. Would be a defining moment for me 100%. Not about anyone else, or about wider issues of cost/ value etc etc. I just think at that point I could park the res home for an indeterminate amount of time be able to sit back and say I did ok with that part of my life and achieved a personal goal. Other things I am somewhat less bothered about tbf I like cars etc but that type of thing comes and goes. Only other thing I am as interested in as upgrading the res home is getting to 100+ units I couldn’t care at what LTV which is somewhat stupid in itself I know and I get that it’s again a bit of a silly goal but it has been a personal goal literally since I was a kid that I’m way behind on rn. Not really even about pulling money out of any longer apart from to reinvest in itself. Realistically I’m almost 41 and I can’t keep the same pace as now forever I’m acutely aware the clock is starting to work against me. Rn I’m putting a lot into my main business expanding numbers but doing a lot of work myself. It is looking a lot better and I’ve started to retain the same level of personal income but wean off the part of that income which came from property hitting my pocket. Aim is to not be in a position that rental income comes anywhere near me, stays in the pot and buys more units. I’m not going to start taking money out to fund my own personal stupidity again those days are over. I know my wife wants the lifestyle stuff that is what it is and being right about it, I need to work out a way she can have it. 

Re sister She doesn’t want her kids in the ‘company of a drug addict’; up to her and was initially going to cancel but parents persuaded her not to. I get they want to see their grandchildren all together, son is excited to see his cousins too we used to be close so he’s missed them. 

Legs21

alt80 said:

yeah I’ve done ok and can give my wife the lifestyle she deserves to have too. Constantly being in debt for stupid stuff isn’t going to help me

Uhhhhh, so giving your wife free reign to buy all the stupid stuff she wants is giving her the lifestyle she deserves? And just how much do you think all the stupid stuff is going to cost if there’s no limit on what she can buy?

You’re doing so well and your mindset is gradually changing. You will get there. Look how much your attitude to owning an AM has changed.

We’ve all told you many times that regretting the past will get you nowhere. The only good thing about the past thing is it will stop you making the same mistakes in the future. 

Bite the bullet and speak to your sister. You always dread things before you do them and are always glad you did after. 

You’re almost at 4 months clean. 4 months!! 💪

RelievedSheff

Your sister will come around when she sees you are serious about coming clean. It will just take time.

ladyholly

But are you happy? Your life appears to be full of stress - getting "to the next level", spending hours on planning on what to buy next, worrying you cant give your wife stuff that she really doesnt need , worrying about the next house,car etc.

Its just a question I dont want an answer but you might want to think about what really makes you happy - seeing your son laugh, your wife appreciating you, knowing your business is doing well?

alt80

Day 113 through. 

Been the new iPhone day at home. Kept the Mrs happy at least. I’d bought a MagSafe charger for her too which she didn’t know about expensed so not a personal spend but I miss giving her gifts, she loves them. I know I can’t do it anymore but I do miss treating her.

Son wanted to know where his was. Wife has had the pro and I’ve just had the basic iPhone 13, son pipes up he ‘needs to have the pro’, fml not sure if that was funnier than his next gem telling me ‘because pro is for professional’. Not sure what part of being a 7 year old schoolboy necessitates the need for a ‘professional’ phone ha fml funny though. He def wasn’t easy to deal with after I reminded him it wasn’t happening. Told him he carries on hitting us he can forget having a phone for the 6 months after and the clock resets the minute he does it again. Can’t say I like being the bad guy but his behaviour has been really !!!!!! bad over this whole phone thing. I lost it a little bit tbh gave him my mum’s favourite line from back in the day ‘starving kids in Africa’ one. Sure every kid from the 80s will remember that gem. All the things you say you’ll never say to your own kids lol wife generally has kept her word, just waits for me to say it and stands there trying not to laugh.

@Legs21 Just keep adding to the days +1 each day thank you. 4 months is soon thanks for reminding me, made me smile.

Iswyacf I just want her to be happy not proud of the husband I’ve been to her over the years and in the long run I would like to provide her with the lifestyle she’d like to have. It is at odds with me not wanting to spend like I used to I know and idk how to move from that rn. Something I need to work out another day once my day to day personal finances are in a better place.

AM is not something I’m sure I want in my life at all tbh my mate spoilt it for me. I still like them, I just don’t think I want to own one anymore, stick with my Range Rover and slower cars.

I’ve tried speaking to my sister and so has my wife.

@RelievedSheff I hope so mate.

@ladyholly I have goals I don’t really want to give up on. I want to be able to say when I’m older that I did ok and have achieved a degree of success. Some of it is mental I know - there’s little sense to wanting more units at higher ltv than less units at lower ltv given the same return. I am aware of that. The other thing I am aware of is paying 7 figures for res home is a mental thing. If I get it at the point I’m debt free, I’ll only have the same amount of equity as the amount I have in my current home - I won’t be richer for having it I’m quite sure of that and sensible money sticks with what I have and buys additional income producing units. In all likelihood it will be a drain on income and could be seen by some as a bit of a liability with more exposure to potential rate rises/ high maintenance costs etc etc. I’m not blind to it but I can’t give up on it.

sarahevie1

This is pretty out of character for me as I'm generally on the side of women.

 However,  I'm really struggling with the constant repetition of  the 'lifestyle my wife deserves' - she's barely worked a day in her life. What has she done to deserve It? She's not some saint to stay with you. I find it refreshing to see the pedestal you've put her on its lovely to read - but it shouldn't be at the detriment of your mental health. 

Until this mindset changes that you're indebted to her for staying, its your sole aim to provide whilst her and your son dictate what unnecessary gift you should provide next- I fear you'll be forever looking over your shoulder convinced she'll leave and ultimately it won't lead to happiness - just more stress. 

No ones  perfect, stop beating yourself up about the past you've achieved a great deal- you need to learn to not be so hard on yourself. You're financially doing better than most, you've done well to get clean -  cut yourself some slack and enjoy your succes at home and work. 

ladyholly

I've got news for you the starving children in Africa line was used in the 50s & 60s. I even had it at school.

I didnt mean goals for the future but happiness now. You seem to be living your life in the past stressing over what what you done and in the future stressing over what you can buy . Think about now, today possibly the next week. What will make you happy?  Goals are good but not at the expense of enjoying today.

I cant believe you seem to say your son can have the Iphone in 6months. He doesnt need it and you are not being the bad guy by refusing him one. You are being a responsible parent. He is obviously not used to being told No and that will take some getting used to but by doing that you are not being bad you are doing the right thing.

Kakiste

Now that you've said the 'every time you hit someone the clock resets' thing, make absolutely sure you stick to it. This is a boundary you've established- if you let it break or even wiggle then his behaviour will get worse, guaranteed.

 (Also make absolutely sure that your wife tells you about all instances of your son hitting her, I could possibly imagine her covering up for him so that he can get the phone faster) 

Also every time he complains, remind him; he is causing the resetting by his own behaviour, that he is in charge of his actions and that if he really wants a phone then he can get it. Your way, by keeping his behaviour at the new expected normal.

I still absolutely wouldn't get him the brand new iphone- I honestly think you can damage kids by giving them far too much too soon- he'll come to expect stuff like cutting edge tech as a need not a want which will only have a negative impact on him when he gets to the age where he's providing for himself and won't be able to afford the newest models when he's first starting out.;

It's also worth remembering that the majority of adults don't have brand new models of phones. No-one will think any less of you for not giving a 7 year old a brand new iphone.