First Steps to Solvency

alt80

Day 112 - 16 weeks today. Obviously didn’t get much sleep last night tbh think it’s a get the planned work done and come home pick son up and chill until about 10pm just get through and have an early one. 

@getmore4less I know you’re right and no point forcing !!!!!! deals. Get ones with margins so tight one little thing wrong and you’re paying to do them lol. 

Half think I need to ring fence it from myself sometimes mate when I’m up at 2am sat at my desk obsessing over it. I know why I do it !!!!!! crazy idea that one day I might be successful. The obsessive stuff leads to little that’s good - not productive time. 

Both those projects gone. Hall sold before it hit the market this year has been surprisingly amazing on the resi front- unexpected when we locked down for first time March 2020 can tell you that.

@warby68 I haven’t touched it, in some long term slog of the worthlessness probably am looking for a ‘good’ high in a way. Generally things are going really well, cash coming back. It’s a period of consolidation but not enforced coasting due to me not being with it. Growth in some areas. Staff performing well new ones settling in ok too. Can’t complain other than my own head telling me I want to be successful. Suppose I think if I reach a point I think I’ve done well in life I’ll think my life has been worth something.

alt80

Little win on the mindset today had an increase on the limit of one of my cards (not requested ha just one of the automatic things) and I just thought thanks but don’t really think I need that.

Absolutely whacked after the stupid late night last night but just going to chill out for the evening, go to bed early and tomorrow I shouldn’t be so tired. Little win again, not worth going off track for haha.

Willowtree222

That’s a lot of progress. I have mine set to not automatically update which works well for me. 

You are successful Alt. I wish you could see that. I also hope one day you really do. 

Sun_Addict

There’s this event not too far from you this weekend https://woodthorpeparkplantshop.com/ plenty of stuff for kids. We go to this park a lot as it’s only 20 minutes walk from our house. 

alt80

Day 112, 16 weeks through. Pleased with that.

Going to bed after writing this have an early night. Going to take some of those herbal pills idk if they do much or just a bit of a psychological help. Have had a session with the pros know I’m a bit depressed rn and need to keep it in check or I’m going to wind up on the pills for that, rather take those for a bit than start risking getting back into old habits. Not sure if it’s a lot of reflection generally, lot of regrets I’ve not worked on sorting my head out prior to the last year, thinking about having to face parents etc easier to FaceTime than to see them in person ridiculous at my age I know lol but I’m !!!!!! dreading it. Do anything to avoid going tbf.

@Willowtree222 enforced progress I think really. I still only spend on business expenses have my business credit card, better than messing about with cash and I know I can trust myself with my company money. All personal money I don’t touch. My credit and debit cards are kept in my office safe, have taken off apple wallet etc I can get to them if I needed to tbf and ultimately I do make the choice not to reach for them; would be just !!!!!! it for myself ultimately. Some days I’m tempted but idk possibly sounds stupid but I think I’ve come too far to go back. 

Really want to buy my wife a few things for Christmas and do my advent cal again but doesn’t seem right to spend. Long term I need to get to middle ground be able to have my cards but trust myself to always stick to the plan. With all the therapy and a fair amount of reading I understand what is going on in my head a bit more, it does help but I have to spot it before it starts getting destructive and it’s tiresome tbh I was being compulsive last night mulling over decisions I’d already made same calcs over and over etc it’s difficult to explain but anything that keeps me up until 2am winding me up isn’t good. Need to keep it in its box haha left my laptop at the office today. Can get onto it all from iPad but don’t go and sit in home office staring at figures in a screen without the laptop to plug into the monitor. I know it’s habitual.

@Sun_Addict I know that place, thank you, will def try to get over there at some point this weekend, son will like it.

alt80

Having just read footyfandan update def had realisation I really need to stop dreading seeing my mum and dad in person and steeling myself for a !!!!!! nigh on week long bun fight with my sister when parents haven’t seen us together as a family for years. 

alt80

Day 113, no plans to spend today and going to try to leave work reasonably early- need to keep it in check and stay on track. Been really struggling with the addictive thoughts around business / no amount enough etc. and pressure / stress initially not for my personal benefit but ultimately so. Been struggling with sleep again last night. I know everything going in the right direction, just not enough for me when I’m sat up looking at big ticket items I’d like to buy, not able to do so some I don’t think I’ll ever be able to - well into 7 figure country homes, limited run cars, six figure watches and the like knowing I’m not good enough for that stuff. Isn’t a not being grateful for what I do have- I am and know it’s more than a lot of the population have I just want to get to that level I can say I’ve made it and my Mrs isn’t sacrificing to be with me. Business is only way I’m getting there and I don’t want to take risks of being over leveraged anymore struggling with risk generally- I’m not overly risk adverse but a bit more so off the stimulants not sure that’s a good thing or not sometimes. 

Hazelnutty

alt it seems as if you measure your relationship in material terms - if you don't give your wife high-end material goods she's making a sacrifice to be with you?  Or if you don't give your son 'the best' (private school etc) you're not delivering as a dad. This is really sad to read - would it be worth working on this with your therapist? The wife thing is particularly worrying as it suggests that marriage is about the husband continually having to pay to earn/keep the wife's loyalty/love/commitment and that wives primarily want/deserve material goods bought for them. It just doesn't seem like a healthy model and until you address this and set up a new model in your head all the self-doubts and self-reproach about your worthiness as a husband/father will keep rearing their ugly heads when you're depressed or down.

Purplelady65

You are still working on your mindset. It’s going to take time to learn to think in a new and different way. You know yourself that all this talk of ‘getting to the next level’ isn’t really going to make you or the rest of the family any happier and will only end up causing you stress and putting more unnecessary pressure on yourself and your health. You have said many times that you would like to move to a bigger house but have been unable to articulate any specific reasons apart from it will mean that you have ‘made it’. It will take time but hopefully if you can develop your self worth so it isn’t linked to public displays of material wealth then you will feel a whole lot better about yourself. 

Re the anxiety around seeing your family in person again could you arrange to meet your sister face to face before you go on holiday so that you can clear the air (I may have got this wrong but had she fallen out with you after you’d admitted to taking cocaine)? 

You are doing really well and have come so far since you first started this thread. I’m sure you’ll get there in the end. By that I don’t mean ‘levelling up’ but liking yourself and seeing the value of yourself as a person not your earnings or earning potential. 

RelievedSheff

Day 113 is a massive achievement. You should be proud of yourself.

I hope that in time you manage to find peace with yourself. Just from reading your posts on here it must be exhausting constantly trying to find ways to "move up to the next level".

Hopefully in time your body and mind will recover and you will realise that "levels" are fictional. There is no such thing other than in your head. I think your true happiness will come when something clicks and you realise that. It will no doubt take some time to get to that stage.