First Steps to Solvency

SanguineGina

Looking good on day 109, alt!

Re the struggling with the self worth side of recovery - try not to beat yourself up so much for things in the past that can't be undone; it is a waste of the time you have now and a waste of mental energy/brain power.

That's not to say you shouldn't acknowledge the things you regret, you should and it is important to do so. BUT you shouldn't then waste a whole lot of time on self recrimination/torturing yourself with guilt etc - it is wasteful, doesn't alter the past and doesn't absolve you for it either.

Absolution comes from acknowledging what you regret and turning the mistakes of the past into learning/knowledge for now so that you don't make the same mistakes in the future. 

Relapse will happen if you end up making yourself feel so bad that you lose all sense of self worth.  Don't let the sneaky addict part of your brain trick you into losing your recovery that way.

You may never be able to forgive yourself for the things you regret doing but you do need to stop punishing yourself for them.

Let yourself see the great person that you are now.☺

ladyholly

You are doing so well so stop looking back. Everyone has made mistakes in their life but now is the time to stop with the guilt and look forward to the good things.
I note you say your in laws want to "see us".  That includes you and shows how far you have come as no long ago you wouldnt have included yourself and would have done anything to avoid a family meal. Have a lovely evening.

getmore4less

If you’d told me this time last year I’d be happy with that trio I’d have told you to !!!!!! right off. 

lets look back to the same time last year 

I think the first mention on this thread of going business electric was 20 Sept 2020 but not sure when it got raised again and the not in my lifetime responses.


 we have this  

This afternoon took my son for a drive out in the F-type with one of my car mates in his old MGB bit of a gentle one really, those MGs don't move very quickly lol but only money spent being a tank in the F-type with plenty left over for until it goes and a stop for coffee and cake. Going to really miss the F-type and son wants to do this again so think I'm looking to get either an XJS or push the boat out and buy the AMV8 put my plate on it and no one will know its a 2005 lol. 

also do you remember saying this....

I did have an idea to get rid of the bmw when I can and buy the wife her XJS (her dream car lol not mine)

major change there from XJS money pit to the MG.


also a year ago yesterday  I suggested.

Rather than go on a clothes spending spree today why not do a clothes audit and see if there is anything you need in the next 6-12months  for you the wife and the kid,  you can get that bit of the budget sorted and ticked off the list.
A job you can do as a family,  might even find some stuff to sell.

Took a while but we got there in the end.......


Also looking back I found this gem 19 Sept 2020.

One of your emerging bad habits is your default when you have nothing to do is just find some work to do.

Seems this one is still work in progress as you are still falling back to that old habit.

Also been pointed out numerous times they are not really productive hours,  something to look out for.

ther will be more from sept 2020.

Andyjflet

alt80 said:

Off to bed with my tea now, listen to my book.

Have you listened to Greenlights by Matthew Mconnaghay yet? Kind of like his life story and self help book, really good and I highly recommend it. 

Willowtree222

It is easier if its someone else, but sometimes you’ve got to see yourself through the eyes of others too.

You are giving her what she wants. For the first time in ages she’s told you she cares, that’s showing what you’re doing now is what she wants. 

RelievedSheff

Willowtree222 said:

It is easier if its someone else, but sometimes you’ve got to see yourself through the eyes of others too.

You are giving her what she wants. For the first time in ages she’s told you she cares, that’s showing what you’re doing now is what she wants. 

This is a very valid point and one that I think Alt needs to understand a little more.

alt80

Thanks all I need to make sure I don’t get too depressed with what it can lead to. Definitely struggling rn but just keep working on what they tell me. Not sure why but my number one priority in life rn is not going back to day 1. Really don’t want that ha. 

@ladyholly not going to pretend my in laws and I don’t have our differences but idk we get on ok rn FIL still got his way with words tbf nothing he says that I probably wouldn’t say to someone else as a joke. He’s actually quite funny some of the stuff he says idk I just took everything he said as far too personal, always did. 

Tried to get through with no lunch break but that didn’t work don’t know why I do it @getmore4less you have a point with work I know it’s a bit of a problem in it’s own way. Laughing at the MG comment it’s in my garage now ha. I’ve been in a mess about the ftype for a long time but idk I’m not really bothered now. Not bothered about plates either really. It doesn’t really matter a lot of the stuff I used to get massively wound up about age of car etc. People can think what they like ultimately.

My wife still likes the XJS and so do I tbh agree it would be a massive !!!!!! money pit though. It’s on the joint list for after the debt has gone lol idk probably ridiculous to have one, the MG, my Range Rover and the EQCs replacement by then maybe another EQC or could be more choice by then. 

enthusiasticsaver

There have been massive improvements in your outlook over recent weeks. Among them is the willingness to engage with your PIL, seeing that there is enjoyment in a simple weekend away, realising your finances are stable and that sensible cars (still expensive) can make you content.

The low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness still emerge from time to time. Usually this happens if you surround yourself with critical people who don’t make you feel good about yourself. I wonder if it is your ex druggie mate or maybe it is linked to childhood with your parents putting stress on you to work unusually hard to the exclusion of having no down time or to do well in financial terms?

 My mantra is work hard and play hard but if work is the only thing which matters to some people that is unlikely to make them happy in the long run. 

alt80

Day 109 through. Good start to the week on the work front and been a nice afternoon/ evening - making the most of the lighter evenings but definitely fading now. Wife started the Christmas chat apparently the ‘real’ countdown starts once the iPhone announcement starts haha fml even my MIL thought that was hilarious. Son asked for the phone again iPhone 13 Pro this time tried the in-laws, no !!!!!! chance there ha. I have been thinking about maybe surprising him with one but keeping that to myself as idk it does reward his bad behaviour, not good really should probably stick to not buying one.

Tired again so finish writing this and go to bed, put the book on. @andyjflet no not listened to Greenlights will take a look thanks. 

@Willowtree222 idk about that I’m not so stupid as to think if someone did come along who could provide her with everything she wouldn’t take the opportunity and I wouldn’t blame her tbf. Sad to think about but it is what it is.

@enthusiasticsaver thanks, I am working on trying to get my mindset into a better place putting a lot of effort into it might not seem like it sometimes but it’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. If I keep away from the destructive things will be worth it in the long run though know that much. 

Can’t say I’ve ever had any sense of self worth tbh think get to this level or next and it’ll happen. It never has for me. Bad person on drugs and a bad person off drugs as someone said on here not nice to live with knowing that though tbf. 

I’m doing everything I can to avoid my mate when he calls / emails. Blocking doesn’t really work he just tries harder idk why go back too far I suppose. He wrote me a letter, I’m not even joking. Lots of chat about he’s done with it, going to stay clean for life if we can meet etc etc fml. I hope he sorts his head out really do but I can’t be part of what he’s still part anymore. I’m not in his position in life never have been and tbh I don’t want to lose what he’s lost either it’s not worth it to me. 

I still want to do well financially 100% that’s my number 1 goal always has been, always will be. My parents are talking about winding down, selling up maybe next year. I’m going to have a look over it for them when I go there see if they can make it work to produce an income fully staffed, will be less for them than currently but better to have a smaller passive income than no ongoing income at all would still give them a purpose. All they know is work I don’t think it’d be healthy for them to give it up. They’re not like you with hobbies etc my mum and dad are like me, need to have a job. They are in their 70s though I get it’s a different time of life but tbh it’s really !!!!!! sad to see they are thinking about stopping work altogether makes me !!!!!! panic tell you that started thinking probably only got c35 years or so left in me before I maybe start thinking the same kind of way idk. I thought they’d work forever tbh apparently Covid gave them a new outlook. They aren’t even opening when sister and I are there end of next month, was hoping to get my teenage job back over a couple of days for a bit of nostalgia idk what we’re doing now. In-laws are like you; FIL retired early through choice not illness, idk probably is upbringing but I think it’s important to work.

enthusiasticsaver

I think it is important to have a  good work ethic but you need to know why you are working.  You have said you want to do well financially and presumably that means a bigger house, plenty of spare cash, nice cars etc and yes those are all goals worth having.  For us we wanted to do well financially to retire early, have fun, enjoy our hobbies and family and friends and our house, be able to travel and go on nice days out etc without worrying about money.  To reach that point we worked hard during our working years, saved hard while also living a good lifestyle  and are now reaping the benefits. Your parents have done the working hard bit but don't seem to know why they are working unless it is because they really do enjoy their work and if they are running a hospitality business maybe they do.  I can guarantee though at some point age catches up with most of us and we reflect on why we do the things we do and there are very few people at the end of their life saying they wish they had spent longer at work. Covid may have helped them look at things differently as presumably their business closed down and they had to reassess not only how they survive financially but how they live when their work no longer defines them. Maybe they enjoyed having a break when they had no choice.  You may be the same as you said you also enjoyed lockdown which makes me think that although you feel guilty when you are not working, if forced to stop you actually were quite happy to relax a bit. 

Well done on continuing to resist the ex mate.  You can guarantee that any period of sobriety with him will be short lived until you agree to hang out with him again.