First Steps to Solvency

RelievedSheff

I think this is where you can use the in laws to your advantage this weekend.

Perhaps together you and they can make her realise that actually even though you have all had to cut back that she still has a much better than average life.

Her parents would be horrified if they knew some of the things that she says to you. Perhaps they will find out what she is really like this weekend.

getmore4less

alt80 said:

Day 42 or 6 weeks not many times I’ve managed longer than this and tbh when I have I’ve been more a ‘dry drunk’ than in recovery. Had a chat with my wife this morning about it and her spending. I was addicted to spending but often went hand in hand with doing coke and some of the things I used to buy my wife tbh I think was out of guilt. She told me she misses me always buying nice things for her and she feels she needs to take matters into her own hands or won’t get anything. I’m like a different person apparently ha suppose I am without doing coke all the time or ‘giving up’ whilst constantly craving more of it, not addressing being addicted to it. Hates the budget - not enough for her and yes already been through her spends for the year. I’ve told her I need her to speak with the pros about this see if she can get through it, make a commitment and whilst I’ve continually broken my word over the years she’s better than that. She has said she doesn’t know if she can live like this, proud of me for sticking with recovery but not sure whether she wants to live with me in the payback or find someone who can give her a better life bigger house, nicer cars, larger spends budget. Idk it !!!!!! breaks me - trying to sort myself out, she’s wanted me off it for years but can’t deal with the budget.

@SanguineGina magnifying glass; good call. I have a microscope in my wish list (kids one) which I was going to get for his birthday- if he likes the magnifying glass I will get it, if not it’s some money saved.

it is yet to properly sink in the spending was on credit borrowed from future self and it is payback time, there is not enough  in the pot to have this level of spending again, some will come back but not for a while..

She is till in fantasy delusion mode if she thinks she can find someone that can support that lifestyle.

You are in the top 2% of earners and couldn't without borrowing,  she need to find someone in the top 1% or maybe even higher,  not going to happen,  the interim step will be SFA for spending and living with her parents and they won't be liking that.

Allikat86

Alt, I’m sorry, but if she’s said that to you then that is absolutely disgusting. This is no marriage and that isn’t love. Please talk to your pros about that. I actually feel so sad for you. 

It’s not up to anyone to tell you what to do in your marriage, and I’m not doing that - but personally, that kind of comment would kill any residual love left for me. I know you’ve mentioned it before but it was hard to tell if it was your own insecurities flaring up when you were on the powder. 

You’re vulnerable right now but in time you need to think about whether you can imagine yourself with this marriage in ten, twenty, thirty years. 

I’m really sorry if that’s too blunt!

theoretica

The only person she has a chance of finding who can give her increased spending is herself - by earning.

stymied

When you spoke with your wife previously she realised that the things she most enjoys are about time, not money. It does feel more like this is Instagram talking that the real her. It’s almost like that’s her coke?

In hindsight the 2 months no spend commitment may have been a mistake - maybe she needs to take it day by day like you are? Certainly talk of reducing the 2022 budget can only make her symptoms worse, not better.

I would still return the second bag, but ultimately that’s your decision.

You are joint parents to your son, surely that’s more important to her than a bigger spends budget? She doesn’t even want the house & cars so that part is definitely !!!!!!. In all honesty what you’ve just written that she’s said doesn’t sound real at all but either more manipulation or a symptom of her addiction.

Didn’t she also say on one of your previous attempts at giving up that you’re more like the man she married now? And that that is a good thing.

getmore4less

Some really good points by @stymied,  she does seem to adjust her story of what's important and play to moment lack of consistency

alt80

Tbh she’s got no trust in me, proud of where I am currently but thinks I won’t go the distance with staying in recovery and I don’t blame her for that - I don’t know I will myself ultimately but have to keep the hope and will. As she says what’s the point when the chances of me still being off it this time next year are about nil and I spend like a madman when off my head anyway so she might as well ‘enjoy herself’. I’ve told her to speak to pros and I’m serious about staying off it but I’ve said that probably hundreds of times. The amount of times I’ve told her I’m done with it I dread to !!!!!! think.

I know the bigger house / cars stuff is her winding me up tbh. Spending budget she’s not happy about - wants the bags / clothes etc etc and misses me buying her stuff. Explained to her the whole plan plenty of times, she knows the score and the amount spare after the payback - give her a bit of hope haha to get told ‘in a month’ I will have no doubt sabotaged the lot, put a ‘couple of £k up my nose’ and bought a load of stuff anyhow so as she sees it, what’s the point. Ultimately idk what the answer is but I can’t just carry on letting her spend like she is doing - I am serious about clearing my debts 100%. 

Anyhow I need to get off the computer myself ha and get on the road lol. She’s got 2 girls for nails and sorting the car out today so pretty safe on the spends - already sent me a pic of the interior lol and son wanted to join in ha so they’re both keeping busy. God !!!!!! help the girls if he wants to join in with the nails later haha fml. 

dawnybabes

You’re married, it’s supposed to be a partnership.  She’s supposed to actually be on your side - she’s  playing  for the opposite team.  She wants you to fail so she can justify herself.

I really do feel her parents could be your biggest ally here, tell them the things she’s saying and how they are making you feel 

SanguineGina

He would love a microscope, alt;  our daughter was the same age as your son when we got her one and it really was fascinating - anything and everything that could be put on a slide was examined under the scope.  The novelty does wear off but still well worth the outlay and the interest will hold longer than other once done finished with items.

Another thing he would probably enjoy is the Eyeclops scope - see the stuff up close on your TV; our dog was very tolerant of being inspected with the scope, which was great because it would have been a faff trying to squash her onto a slide

Setting aside the sheer nastiness of what your wife said,  it sounds like it is all just kickback against the new boundaries.  She is trying to play on your fears/ guilt trip you/ manipulate you into giving in re her spending and increasing her budget.  Maybe if she said all those things to a counsellor instead of you they would be able to help her to process her feelings as she adjusts to the new reality of payback.

100% do not let her kickback  trigger/provoke you into giving up on your recovery.  A coke using alt, guilt buying stuff for his wife is absolutely not going to be any good for your son's well being.  

efes_shareholder

Deep breaths , you may have let her down on your word in the past but you are taking great strides to be the man you want to be and in my opinion doing a great job , especially given the challenges she is presenting you with.

A grown women basically throwing her toys out of the pram because she can't have !! and what she can't have isn't essentials like a roof over her head and food on the table , its material stuff that costs the earth !!

Stick to your guns on this one , if she is honestly deluded enough to believe that she can walk out the door and find someone who will fund her extravegance then sorry let her !! Grass is not always greener and she will come back to earth with a huge thud 

You have a goal and your sticking to it , to be debt and substance free and you need her to be on board with this and make some adjustments to make it acheivable

She really does need to go out to work , there is no reason why she can't contribute to the household