First Steps to Solvency

getmore4less

Leave her at home no cards.

Go with the in-laws and have a great time.

CRANKY40

Take her cards off her. Too bad if she sees it as a punishment - it is and it's because she can't be trusted. I'm on a low spend year because I ran up a credit card debt and I know full well it serves me right for not sticking to the available budget. Actions come with consequences and the consequence of being selfish/stupid is no spends. 

RelievedSheff

Make her take the clothes back. Then take her cards off her.

Tell her that you are going to Centre Parks with the in laws for your son. If she wants to stay at home that is fine but there will be no cards left with her. 

You are going to have to sit down with her and explain that this can not continue. If she wants to keep spending like that then she has to go out, get a job and earn the spending money. You need to spell it out in black and white for her. 

foxgloves

Well, this is an occasion where I can really understand you getting (as you put it) 'tripped off'. If you can't both work as a team in turning your finances around, then it's going to take much longer with many arguments along the way. If your wife won't consider finding a job & won't play her part in stopping the frittering of money, then a monthly allowance on something like a pre-paid mastercard may be the only way, with credit cards in your name only. It's such a shame you can't tackle this as a team. If my husband walked through the door now with £230's worth of home cinema gizmos after I've put all that time into July's budget, he'd be in the manure, I can tell you! He won't though. Living debt-free has been a huge revelation to him.
Don't lose it though..... all of us on here want to see Day 42+.
F

stymied

Breathe! You can do it!

Get son to pack his bag for CP tonight - I don’t know why but ours love packing! If he struggles to find something that’s needed / doesn’t fit by all means keep it from the shopping but I’m afraid the rest really does need to go back. You have lunch out yourself on expenses, can’t really argue against that.

stymied

PS - I hope you’ve hidden the bag 😊

PPS - don’t forget to thank FIL for his support!

Kakiste

It's really frustrating to be undermined, I can completely understand why you're so frustrated. 

Totally agree with @foxgloves though- your wife seems completely at odds with what a 'normal' lifestyle looks like. Even at the point where I am completely debt free (and I'm currently on the highest wage I've ever earned- my monthly household takehome pay will be just shy of £2k (in a job that requires 2 degrees to even get in the door) I will feel extremely lucky to be bringing home that- In 'real life' I only know a handful of people who earn significantly more than me. 

Purplelady65

alt80 said:

Day 41. Little better nights sleep but woken up absolutely freezing cold and no idea why lol. Another busy work day planned and wife is spending the day getting the RR ready for Friday. I already feel a bit sick about the prospect of a weekend in very close proximity to my in-laws ha but it should be busy enough when I get there and taking the laptop. Just get through it and I do at least know I get through today and tomorrow I’m through the weekend too.

Hoping for a no spend today. 

@Purplelady65 I do swyacf and it’s hard for her for the reason you state and I’ve stopped buying her stuff too. We do have allocated funds for different things in the budget which I review on a monthly basis so I suppose have an allowance or are you talking like the sort of allowance you’d give a kid lol?

No I’m talking about an allowance for adults - it’s called living within a budget! I’m not suggesting a monthly allowance as a punitive measure but as a means for your wife to learn about living within a budget. If she’s never had to budget then expecting her to budget a whole six months to a year ahead is a big ask. You have previously said that your wife isn’t great with numbers so she might find it difficult to have one figure to last such a long time. I like buying clothes, shoes and make-up and spend a couple of  thousand a year on them. It’s not for IG or anything as I’m not on social media. I know if I had the amount for the year in full on 1st January I would have spent it all by March and would find it impossible to go nine months not to spend anything. I therefore have a monthly allowance to keep me on track. 

You both seem to be stuck in a cycle of repeated behaviour about this. You have both taken it in turns to overspend then had regrets and sent the stuff back to the shops although this time your wife seems to be spending every few days now and not sending anything back. I think in the last few weeks she’s bought a £380 belt, £200 shopping with a friend, the bag was it over a £1k and now over £200 today plus the tv which I presume is going back. That’s a good few thousand in maybe 4 weeks? 

You have made massive strides and fantastic progress since you took what was quite drastic action since you reduced your access to cash. 

I think you need to look at doing something totally different around access to spending for your wife as currently how you’ve got it all arranged might be working for you but it clearly isn’t working for your wife. You’ve been doing it this way for around six months now and a large part of that was when we were in lockdown.I think this current spending is maybe more of a typical pattern of how your wife spends money now everything is open. I know enthusiastic saver and myself have repeatedly suggested the monthly spends allowance and so far it’s fallen on deaf ears but I do think unless you make a change that forces behaviour change you’re just going to go round in circles. Your wife isn’t going to change unless she’s made to much like you’ve made changes for yourself that have produced very positive results. Plus after all your fantastic progress I’d hate to see you getting really annoyed about all your wife’s overspending and then throwing the towel in yourself. 

As I’ve said this isn’t about punishing your wife it’s about you supporting her to learn and develop new habits which will take time to learn and embed. But really she does need to start learning them now otherwise you’ll just be stuck forever on repeat with the current behaviours. 

One last thing - £10 a week for pocket money for a 7 year old. Just beware - if he gets this amount now he will probably expect £100 a week when he’s 15! 

Good luck with the center parcs trip. Something to bear in mind is that they have been a fantastic support to you and your wife and son. They may not be your favourite people but if you go with the attitude that you’re going to make the best of it and enjoy it and take any of the Fil’s barbed jokes on the chin you might find you really enjoy it. 

efes_shareholder

I think if I were you the spending would put me at a point of melt down.

All of the advice given so far is very good and also the only way , If your wife will not stay within budget then her ability to continue the destructive and wasteful spending needs to be contained.
I can't possibly think what any of you could need that would require a £230 spend today.
I'm afraid instead of facilitating her and adjusting the budget,  you are going to have to put your foot down , just ask her outright where the money for all this is coming from ? Take her name off of all the cards bar one with a very small limit or open up a monzo account and each month put her spending allowance in to that account and thats what she has.
All of the recent stuff has to go back , its ridiculous and just undermines everything you are trying to achieve

Maybe when she goes to work which at some stage she really should she will finally understand the value of money , cant see her being overly pleased if you then spent all her wages

As for centre parcs , absolutely go , its the perfect oppurtunity to repair your fractured relationship with the in laws and show them just how much progress you have made , if she wants to stay at home like the spoilt child she appears to be LET HER but dont leave any access to spending with her !

Allikat86

Kakiste said:

It's really frustrating to be undermined, I can completely understand why you're so frustrated. 

Totally agree with @foxgloves though- your wife seems completely at odds with what a 'normal' lifestyle looks like. Even at the point where I am completely debt free (and I'm currently on the highest wage I've ever earned- my monthly household takehome pay will be just shy of £2k (in a job that requires 2 degrees to even get in the door) I will feel extremely lucky to be bringing home that- In 'real life' I only know a handful of people who earn significantly more than me. 

Just a quick reply but I agree with @Kakiste. I’m halfway through a post grad diploma right now and I hold a LOT of responsibility in my job. After tax, student loan deduction and pension I take home £1800 per month. 

Don’t let this tip you into bad decisions. You have people cheering you on. I do think that perhaps you need to look at other ways of managing this now. Would your in laws be open to sitting down and really discussing this in depth? From what you’ve described (I appreciate it’s hard to get the full picture) they actually sound like an untapped resource of support. I think if you’re really vulnerable with them you might be surprised...