First Steps to Solvency

Grumpelstiltskin

Get him interested in Garden Design.

It could fit in with your work and there is an undergrad course at Brackenhurst.


Horticulture / Horticulture: Garden Design FdSc Foundation degree; Undergraduate Course | Nottingham Trent University

I know it's 10 /11 years away but if it's something that can be lucrative.

( One of my outlaws is involved in this area )

Allikat86

If she wants a weekend for the two of you then that can happen another time. I can imagine that’s tempting in some ways as you’ve alluded to things not being great in that way before. However, you’re putting lots of time and thought into your time with your son and rebuilding his trust - he needs this time with you! Well done! I can’t imagine how disappointed my kids would feel if I dropped a planned break with them to do something that didn’t involve them, even if they were still going on their break.

If your son is into crafts you could get him to make some art for inside the tree house too - we did that with the kids’ playhouse! Just seen that you made a planter... could you perhaps look at getting some ceramic planters to paint with him, for your new plants? I bet you are seeing a big difference in him with these joint projects!

CRANKY40

Get him to plant some lettuce for your salads. I like mixed leaves in a pot because they look pretty.  Lettuce grows no matter what - it will be his first taste (do you see what I did there) of providing for your little family. Your wife does not want to go on a couples weekend, she straight up wants to avoid her father.

You are a great dad right now. You've made mistakes but you've owned them. You'll be able to give him a fabulous talk about the dangers of drugs when he's 14. The ones that are rubbish never think they are - the ones that worry about it are the ones working hard to try and get it right. That's my logic as a solo widowed mother (who also worries a lot) and I'm sticking to it. I tell mine that we run as a democracy and if he disagrees with my decisions he can tell me and if he has a good reason we will discuss it (I don't want to is not a good reason). If we can't agree on something then safety will always be a priority. It works for us.  I'm looking forward to hearing more about the tree house. 

enthusiasticsaver

Goodness your wife needs to grow up.  Terrible example for your son.  We did Centre Parcs last month as a family with our daughters, son in law and grandchildren.  Your son will have a  great time so maybe emphasise how much she will be disappointing your son if you don't go and there is no money in the budget for a couples  weekend. I am sure your FIL is as frustrated with her as you are so you both need to talk to her and stress how damaging this social media is to her and your lives and her attitude to  money needs to change. I actually would have removed her name from cards long ago and if she sees it as punishment then tough.  She needs to earn the trust back that she can spend sensibly or she can go out and get a job like millions of the rest of us do or did. 

I do think you need to stop with the talk about upgrading houses or moving for the time being though.  Your primary focus should be sorting out the debt and living sustainably and you appear to be doing that but so far she is not.  That needs to change. 

alt80

Day 41, I have made it through. Absolutely whacked but have spent a bit more time on the rhs website ha 'old' me would have thought that was !!!!!! hilarious but keeps me out of trouble, will keep my boy happy over summer and might be able to talk to my FIL about something this weekend lol. Win win. 

@Grumpelstiltskin fml he's 7 and you're shipping him off to uni already. 🤣 Rn if his interests remain similar to what they are now he'd probably love that. Loves anything practical - lego / garden / being generally on his feet and active. He is ok at the academic side but I don't think he'll be one of school's Oxford/ Cambridge success stories tbh but at his age who knows really.

@Allikat86 We're going to centre parcs, told my Mrs it's the only break she's getting this weekend. We went away for a night for our anniversary in May without son but now she's decided she wants to get away again. Nothing else booked but might take her away somewhere for a night or two before the end of the year idk rn she's not exactly my favourite person can't say I'm relishing the idea of sharing a bed this weekend tbh but it is what it is. Can't say my son entirely trusts me either - I've been doing a fair bit of reading/ talking with the pros etc and time and consistency the only healers for that - why I'm quite worried about signing up for the garden stuff, I don't want to let him down with it. 

He loves painting/ drawing as well as the practical stuff, films, riding his bike, playing with / walking the dog and sport - football / rugby mainly. Just general kid stuff basically. The planter is wood, not ceramic I don't have those skills ha but he'd def like doing something like that. We are going to drive over the border to the land that just about has running water apparently getting electricity soon 😉 and visit Denby pottery over this summer one day - some craft activities for kids there involving pottery it you didn't guess ha.

@CRANKY40 we have the chard on the go and he's still doing his cress. RHS reckons we can still plant radish and lettuce - have bought some seeds of both. Lettuce name is F1 Cosburg 'Sweet Success' haha made me laugh anyway. Radish is rainbow mix - different colours. Might have a go at some tomatoes next year and he'll have a mini salad. 

You're probably right re my wife she's def not looking forward to seeing her dad said to me this evening we could tell them we're going in the BMW so they'd be better going in their own car haha tbf would avoid FILs almost !!!!!! constant back seat driving. Not gonna lie I'm really !!!!!! hoping she decides she's driving us back I can only take the 'have you seen x/y/z', 'braking a bit late', 'bit too close to the back end of that Skoda', 'the limit is 30/40/60' and the best for last... 'you'd get an extra 0.01mpg if you drove like a !!!!!! 90 year old' he's full of all the !!!!!! back seat driving gems my FIL is lol.

I'm trying to be better with him. All the research I've done points in same direction that I need to make an effort with him and avoiding him was harming him. I don't want that.

alt80

@enthusiasticsaver My son has been before, he is excited.

Yeah I feel tempted to remove her from the cards every time she lets me down but just reminded I've let her down many times over so not like I'm some kind of saint so I can't really. Asked her to remove the cards from her phone and purse just keep one on her (she did this once but they've all crept back).

I'm not planning to buy another res house for at least 5yrs - it's my plan for what I'm doing after I've cleared my debts; get the debts gone, RR owned outright, keep on with the leases through the business for 2nd everyday car, hopefully my mate will let me buy the MG. I'm not sure about an AM or other fast sports car might change my mind but it's not something I want in my life rn too many bad memories. Next house I buy will be the last res house I buy, I fully expect it to be a big commitment likely be doubling my mortgage but still be better off than I am now without the debt and moving closer to not having to fund the school fees etc.

SanguineGina

Congratulations for Day 41, alt; your grit, determination and resolve have got you through to nearly 6 weeks of being clean now.  Well done!!  You are doing so well with not letting the stress and aggravations of life weaken your resolve.  

It sounds like your wife is having a little difficulty accepting and adjusting to the need to rein in her personal spending. If you were to make a point of calmly stating after each of her spends/or when you review the monthly figures  that she now only has X number of £s left to spend this year, maybe that would help reinforce the idea that her personal spends budget really is a fixed amount as prevously agreed.

If she has already exceeded her budgeted total for the whole year, then maybe start stating after any spends that she is now eating into her 2022 personal spends budget!

If you really want your wife to stick to her budget for personal spending etc then she needs to understand that the total amount allocated to her is indeed a fixed amount.  If you let it carry on being a flexible limitless figure, then your wife will carry on indulging her passion for spending on the latest must haves. 

Magnifying glass.  If he doesn't already have one, your son would be able to see all the insects up close with one in the garden.  Could play insect bingo etc as well. 

Legs21

You both have addictions your are battling with. Yours is drugs hers is spending. You’ve put barriers in place to prevent you from accessing drugs and now barriers need to be put in place to stop your wife from spending i.e. restricting access to money. The barriers are preventative measures not punishment. If you let her keep everything she buys you are feeding her addiction. 

Happy day 42. You are smashing this. 

getmore4less

The garden can be a very therapeutic space and will eat up as much spare time as you want it to


To add a twist to the garden projects maybe look at recycled/upcycled materials.

I know you are not into eco, more as cost escalation prevention.
Outside structural stuff is complimentary to your main business interest and the horticulture adds a new angle, something you have been looking for.


You may have contacts through work to start building up a collection of useful materials that are scrap from projects or even just packaging waste like pallets.

More ideas than you could ever hope for on the tube and some quite interesting TV based ones.

I just did 
https://www.google.com/search?q=tree+house+from+pallets

Some are very disappointing.

plenty of time to plant the succession crops, a row of each every week or two sow very thinly

Tomatoes are relatively easy, they are like weeds if fed and watered, 
got a sunny wall a couple of growbags do the job and they even do cheap mini wall grow houses to help.

Keep an eye out  for them getting sold off end of season, seeds are on sale already in the likes of Wilko..


Look at recycling household stuff for making seed trays and pots,  don't need to buy much at all to get going with gardening
Maybe a few bug houses could be mini projects.

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Stick with the CP weekend that's what was planned and budgeted for,  it has gone pear shaped since you got on board and her parents are not happy.

Couples weekend == S**g you into submission don't fall for the oldest trick in the book.

Remind her that there was budget for  that later in the year but if she carries on with the ridiculous spending  that may have to go and as said her 2022 budget is already getting eaten into as well.
(I can send a bag back to pay for it will probably be the answer)

For the drive, have the FIL in the front, get him onto handbags that will cut out any driving tips.



If I counted right day 45 is Sunday, treat yourself after all this latest c**p off the wife.


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(some will be in venues you are trying to avoid)

A while back I mentioned comedy as a potential night out.
my local is back up and running(going full capacity soon)

Might be worth putting on the list to fill a gap.


Looking at Notts you have a few options.

Glee have a decent line up for the 23/24 
https://booking.glee.co.uk/17769

some good line ups over the next couple of months  in this place(looks like it's a walk away)
https://www.justthetonic.com/nottingham-comedy/

this one has venues all over the places.
https://funhousecomedy.co.uk/

or (prices are great)  
https://www.ncfcomedy.co.uk/

(Could be tempted to drive up to Loughborough Sat. and stay over for that show)

alt80

Day 42 or 6 weeks not many times I’ve managed longer than this and tbh when I have I’ve been more a ‘dry drunk’ than in recovery. Had a chat with my wife this morning about it and her spending. I was addicted to spending but often went hand in hand with doing coke and some of the things I used to buy my wife tbh I think was out of guilt. She told me she misses me always buying nice things for her and she feels she needs to take matters into her own hands or won’t get anything. I’m like a different person apparently ha suppose I am without doing coke all the time or ‘giving up’ whilst constantly craving more of it, not addressing being addicted to it. Hates the budget - not enough for her and yes already been through her spends for the year. I’ve told her I need her to speak with the pros about this see if she can get through it, make a commitment and whilst I’ve continually broken my word over the years she’s better than that. She has said she doesn’t know if she can live like this, proud of me for sticking with recovery but not sure whether she wants to live with me in the payback or find someone who can give her a better life bigger house, nicer cars, larger spends budget. Idk it !!!!!! breaks me - trying to sort myself out, she’s wanted me off it for years but can’t deal with the budget.

@SanguineGina magnifying glass; good call. I have a microscope in my wish list (kids one) which I was going to get for his birthday- if he likes the magnifying glass I will get it, if not it’s some money saved.