First Steps to Solvency

CRANKY40

You'd better start hoping she's only taken him for dinner - if I was Mrs A I'd have taken him for good and myself along side him. 

ladyholly

First of all we are here because we care. Secondly we'll done on telling your mate but you have let your son down just to go for a drive. Is it any wonder he doesn't trust you and thinks you are a liar. I don't blame your wife for going to her parents either. You cannot keep letting her down and expect her to do everything you want. 
You have got it dead right listen to the people on here. Many of them are telling you the same things but are you taking it on board. Also you must engage with your therapy properly or you have just blown £9000 for nothing.
I hope you can find the balance you need. 

Allikat86

I haven’t commented on your diary before @alt80, but I have been following it. You remind me very much of some parents that I meet professionally (I work with children and families in a health capacity, and I liaise with schools as part of my role). I wonder if you and your wife would benefit from discussing your current situation with your son’s school - it sounds scary, but they will want to help your son. I agree with a previous poster who said that you need to give your son an age appropriate version of the truth, whatever other advice you take or do not take from this thread. He doesn’t need to know that you have addictions that you are addressing, but perhaps that you have been having a difficult time lately, and that to be a better dad to him etc that you had to take time to get some help to help your mind become healthy... the same way that you would rest if you had physically hurt yourself, with examples given to him. Time and consistency will be the best thing for him. There is a lot of evidence to say that children fare better with parental health issues (including addiction) if they are given age appropriate explanations. I also think that it might be useful to speak with school for that reason - they can help you to arrange some emotional support for your son. They will value transparency far more than you probably realise and it will give your son a safe space at school.

It’s hard to read the truth of your wife’s actions as I think she is seen through the lens of whatever your feelings are when you post, but from what you have posted it does seem as though she acknowledges how she has contributed to the financial side of your difficulties, but that she is trying to make amends and trying to keep everything stable for your son, and also for you.

From a personal perspective - my ex husband had some similarities in his attitudes at times,
not an identical situation but love was not enough to keep me there in the end, and I left. I tried really hard to fix it for a long time. I think that you have the capacity to change and you have these moments of real, raw self reflection, but you need in depth counselling for far longer than three weeks. Your family need to be supported too at this time. 

Allikat86

The other thing that I just wanted to add was that I think that you need to reframe your thinking about your son having ‘strange’ behaviour - the fact that he has acted like this shows what an enormous disruption this has been. You need to show him real consistency now. Kids are like sponges - they pick up on everything, even if they don’t fully understand it, and if you level with him appropriately and apologise when you get it wrong/tell him how are you are going to make it right and prioritise your relationship with him above everything else, even your wife, then you will be able to make an inroad to fixing this with consistency. It does come across that you are at the centre of your world - and I’m sorry if that’s difficult to hear, but the way that it reads is that your wife is pretty far down your list of priorities in terms of emotional support/recognition of need of support for her, and your son even further down. It sounds stark written down, but I’m just saying how the situation presents in your diary.

warby68

If anything sums up how far gone you are, this morning is it.
There is a bit of me also that feels like this is a wind up because your choices are so blatantly opposite and provocative compared to what everyone is telling you - a (reckless) drive with the waster over your son. 
If it is true, your wife must be in despair.

stymied

I’m just desperately hoping that you haven’t found “just a little bit of” coke in the house that would explain your posts over the last couple of days.

ladyholly

stymied said:

I’m just desperately hoping that you haven’t found “just a little bit of” coke in the house that would explain your posts over the last couple of days.

I must admit the same thought Had occurred to me. I just didn't want to voice it. 

amanda_p

People on here care, they give good advice,all from different perspectives, some have been in positions which are really really difficult and over time have hung on and managed to turn things around. That is why they want to help you.
While people can give advice there is only one person who can change their behaviour and that is you. 
Your wife must be beyond despair, she has worked so hard to give up her ridiculous spending and Instagram habit and must have been looking forward to having you home with a way forward. She must be beyond disappointed.

Your son will be picking up vibes, children are like sponges and although they can't articulate it they know something is not quite right. I feel for him. Dad promised to take him to school but decided to go for a joy ride. What does that tell him?He went to school knowing you had let him down and you weren't even around to see him. I doubt if he is acting strange, he is just feeling very insecure. I think it was suggested you speak to his school, they will already know something is not quite right. They will be able to support him.
I feel desperately sorry for you, underneath it all you are a decent human being, a good landlord and a fair employer.
For your own sanity you must make changes and get your priorities right, you have been given tools to help you navigate the pitfalls, use them, don't make excuses or look for an easy way out. Your wife was right rehab should not be used as a holiday camp. 

You need to take responsibility for your actions, you do, nobody else just you. You are a parent,you are the grown up. You cannot run and hide when things get tough. As life goes on there will be other tough hurdles to scramble over. What happens then? Another bolt back to rehab?

To many people you have an enviable lifestyle, you need to start enjoying it and all it can offer. Life is short, your wife and son need you now, show them that you do care because deep down you care very much.


Remember 'tomorrow will be a good day.' 

theoretica

alt80 said:

 Can't even enjoy the things I do have - when I get them I just want more/ better/ newer. Afraid to let it go in case this !!!!!! stops driving me forward in business and I sit still or go backwards.

You do realise how utterly circular that is?  You are afraid to try something because you might enjoy it. You don't want to relax a bit about your business because you might find relaxing a bit works for you.  A bit like saying you won't try lychees or something because you might like them. If you like it and it works for you that is not a problem, it is just a change.  And actually optimising your work might be good for it, rather than frantically running and ending up going in circles over it.

We are here because we see the potential you have for change and giving three people happier lives long term - you, your wife and son. But change is the key, and you have made some great ones to start with - actually looking at personal finances not just spending and hoping and your determination to stay clean. But yes, more changes to come - good luck!

alt80

Yeah I’m wrecking my life and my family’s idk why at the point of no return I’m a total !!!!!!. Son would be better away from me forever he doesn’t need my influence in his life.